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Thomas

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
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  • #324047

    Thomas
    Participant

    Yeah sorry this is a completely different & unrelated person haha

    #289719

    Thomas
    Participant

    @inky

    yeah maybe closure isn’t the right word. Guess I kinda feel like he wouldn’t follow up but that begs the question what kind of friendship it is then? He’s also just got let go from his job this week so trying to support him as much as I can but obviously I have own feelings and this has been building up for a month now, Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Doesn’t say much about me as a friend if I just leave him to own devices when he’s just lost his job does it? :/

     

    #289713

    Thomas
    Participant

    Also to add, I feel like I can’t focus on other friendships or building new ones with this issue. Something has got to give for me here as I feel emotionally drained by this person and can’t really put time into other people. I do really care about this person, they mean a lot to me and I do miss the friendship however there’s only so much I can do to fix this & it takes two to tango, can’t work on building a friendship by myself.

    #285933

    Thomas
    Participant

    Wonderful, thanks for the input. My therapist agreed with me I have two choices, try to resolve something or walk away. So i am prepared to walk away from this if the outcome isn’t favourable as i need to do what’s best for me

    #285915

    Thomas
    Participant

    Yes I understand completely, I’ll remove that part. I do think i told him too much but I cannot change the past. Rest of the message is fine I assume & conveys that I would like to resolve this?

    #285875

    Thomas
    Participant

    Is there anything else I should say/mention in this message? I don’t want to say too much as want to leave it for when we meet which is still happening on Monday or Tuesday but I do start off in the right direction and address the important points more than anything 🙂

    Thanks everyone

    #285873

    Thomas
    Participant

    I haven’t replied to the above message as we did have a 30 min phone call that night but this was what I was going to say to him today as I said wouldn’t message him till weekend:

     

    I could be more understanding man, you’re going through a crap time here & I don’t always realise that mate and for that I’m sorry. I am confused though as I thought we were over this issue mate? Thought you understood that we don’t need to chat 24/7 and we don’t need to hang out every week? I certainly don’t think you’re stringing me along or giving me false hope for that matter either. I honestly think you’ve gotten the wrong idea about me and misunderstood me big time mate. Ultimately I think it’s important that we listen to each other, are both-open minded & honest with each other so we can figure out what kind of friendship we can have as it’s the only way it’s going to work. You are a really a nice guy and I like having you in my life so I will try my best to get this sorted with you but that’s all I can do so after that it’s up to you, ball will be in your court mate!

    #285871

    Thomas
    Participant

    This is what he had to said to me before phone call:

    I’m working a lot this week and am tight for money, so that’s a part of staying in Edinburgh as well as spending time with my fella obv.

    That’s it just there. I don’t want you to feel like you’re in the position where you are nipping my head/stepping on my toes. Like when youre feeling anxious/nervous and I don’t reply which makes you worry more. That is putting a bit of undue pressure on me. Like when I’m in a total downer/wanting some chill and I don’t reply to you even though you ideally need a mate who replies when you want to talk and have some ongoing chat with. I just don’t feel I can be there for you all the time or offer the support that you’re needing from a friendship right now. And I hate the feeling of letting you down, I don’t feel it’s fair for either of us. Mostly, I don’t feel it’s fair for you. I almost feel like I’m stringing you along saying we’ll meet up, giving you hope and not being able to meet up because I’ve got other things going on. You need a proper mate that can be there for you, to hang out with and meet up with. It’s not right that you sometimes feel like you’re stepping on my toes, because a true proper friendship shouldn’t be like that. And for that I am sorry man, I am. There never seems to be good timing to deliver bad news to you, because there are always a lot of issues outwith your control on your plate affecting your life and I’m not helping. I mean, I don’t want to make you scared when I type a long big message. I don’t want to make you feel like you have a gut wrenching feeling in your stomach, and the fact that’s the feeling I make you have when I type a long message is horrible. That’s what I mean by this isn’t a healthy friendship. It’s certainly not healthy for you when you are scared/anxious waiting for my responses

    One thing I do want to say is that I would be keen for us to meet up to chat about this over a dog walk sometime though

     

    ill post the message i want to send after this

     

     

    #285365

    Thomas
    Participant

    He was really nice over the phone & there wasn’t any cross words etc. Was a calm tone throughout. I’m so confused at what this is, feel like he’s saying he wants to be friends but maybe just not close friends due him wanting to re-connect with his own pals & moving next year. Same time i don’t want to try & remain friends with someone who maybe doesn’t want to make a huge effort? What do I do :/

    #285363

    Thomas
    Participant

    I need help haha. So we’re meeting up next week for what feels like a make or break chat.

    So basically said to me can’t invest in a full property friendship as wants to work on his current friendship but we’re on good terms, still wants to hang out just not as often. Can still visit him in Canada when he goes. Not to expect a reply all the time. Would like to be friends but doesn’t know if it will work but wants to keep in touch & doesn’t want to lose contact, we are on good terms and I’ve not done anything wrong bit wants to meet up & chat about things.

     

    I dont actually understand what he wants? Anyone help I’m so confused on what to do or if I should eveb follow up & meet him next week?

    #284229

    Thomas
    Participant

    Yeah he’s not committing to anything but think Saturday morning will work. We used to speak a lot like every day. Now it’s more like every other day so I’m trying to give him a bit more space and not come off as needy i guess. He felt like I always needed a constant reply, I was needy & I was chatting about stuff that mates shouldn’t talk about. I do want to get to know him better so i want hang out more often with him so hopefully this weekend does happen & we have a good catch up and things improve from there 🙂

    #284227

    Thomas
    Participant

    Yeah I’ve doing CBT Councelling now so my anxiety is a lot better & more under control now. Getting the tools to deal with stuff so it is going well.

    Things are a lot better between us, he’s said as much himself yesterday. I do think actions speak louder than words in this situation, no point saying sorry if you repeat mistakes. I think a off the cuff apology would be the best thing though if it’s necessary although I wanna try & hang out with him more. Guess ultimately see how things are & what the vibe is like when we hang out.

    #283919

    Thomas
    Participant

    Yeah I’m a really anxious & nervous person plus just found out he has the flu. I did apologise but I dunno if it came across well as I did want to end the argument. Yeah I have other friends who my relationships are grat with, this one just didn’t get off to the best start.

    #283779

    Thomas
    Participant

    Okay I understand. Say he doesn’t meet up or cancel, should I bring this up via text or call him say it? I really hope he doesn’t but worse case scenario and all that

    #281739

    Thomas
    Participant

    Yeah I’m going to see an CBT councillor tomorrow to take control of my anxiety because it’s getting out of hand and is ruining my friendships including this one. Need to get it under control I just hope I can turn things around with my pal ?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)