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  • #409462
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    I haven’t asked if they have talked to him about me.

    But have they promised that they would? I am asking because they told you “we have your back, we will help you out!“. Do you know if they have done anything to actually help you out?

    The girl who added pressure kept asking me about him everyday, and saying things like if nothing happens on this first date you move on and forget about him. If it doesn’t happen now it never will you are too different. … she wrote me just before meeting him like tell me how it goes.

    It seems that she was very curious about what happens between you two. Was she among those who told you they’ll help you?

    My friends thinks he started be coming friends with my friends to come closer to me.

    talking about it to my friends who knows him they were shocked that I didn’t pick up on the fact that he wanted me to eat at the restaurant with him.

    When you say “my friends”, do you count in the inconsiderate female co-workers too (who used to dance around him when drunk)?

    I have started swing other people at work outside of work to get a bigger friend circle that is better for me because I am extremely disappointed about their behaviour.

    Good decision! I too think you should hang out less with these co-workers who party and drink a lot, plus, they don’t seem like good friends at all.

    #409508
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    A bit of a study of your thread so far, it being on its 10 page.  Your quest was stated in the title of your thread and in the very first sentence of your original post, a month and a half ago:  “Does he like me? Trying to figure out if a guy at work likes me“.  You stated that you met him 5 months earlier (April 2022) at work.  You described how long he stared in your direction, what he said to you, when and where, the expressions of his face, the language of his body, as well as what friends said to him, what he said back to them, what friends told you about him, etc., starting with “My friend then  told him I think she is interested in you and he said no I don’t think she is”, in your original post.

    First thing in regard to your quest is to eliminate everything that you heard about him from 3rd parties outside your physical presence  (what he allegedly said to work colleagues, friends or acquaintances, what they said to him, what they think he feels for you, etc.), and take into account only your direct interactions with him and what you personally witnessed: what you saw with your own eyes and heard with your own ears.

    The reasons you should not take into account what other people say about him and about his feelings for you are two: (1) people are not likely to fully pay attention and understand correctly what is going on, particularly when drunk, (2)  they may be motivated to make you feel better (when they talk to you), to make him feel better (when they talk to him), and to make you think well of them, so they are not likely to present you with objective, balanced information, but with partial and manipulated information

    Your 2nd sentence in your 2nd post is:  “I needed to know that I wasn’t crazy for starting to think he liked me“, and in your 6th post (still on page 1 of your thread): “it nearly made me cry knowing I can trust my own perception of things and I’m not crazy“- of course, most empathetic readers are likely to reply: no, you are not crazy, Katrine! You are not crazy to think that someone likes you!, and to hope that he really likes you, so that you will believe that it is indeed possible for a guy to like you.

    In your 2nd post, you wrote for the first time the words that he communicated directly to you in regard to his feelings for you: “no I’m not interested, your amazing person but I don’t see you that way“. These words, for some women, would sadly satisfy the need to find out about a man’s romantic feelings. But you didn’t believe his words: “I don’t believe that he doesn’t like me and that he doesn’t see me that way” (Sept 22),  and the quest (Does he like me?) continues for 9 additional pages.

    You explained away his words: “he was interested but it got too close for comfort…  I got too close and he got scared and shut down… I am 99% sure now that his behaviour towards me is a fear of intimacy“- let’s say (and it is very possible) that he liked you romantically, but then he got scared and shut down: being emotionally shut down means that his romantic feelings were shut down as well, and the end result, like he told you: “I don’t see you that way“. Isn’t it?

    On page 4 (Oct 12) you mentioned crazy again: “I need to focus on the fact that I’m not crazy for thinking that he liked me“, and again, on Oct 14: ” that feeling of going crazy because I thought he liked me“.

    But wait, isn’t it crazy to base one’s sanity on whether this one work colleague likes you that way?  (and wasn’t it crazy of me to encourage you to think that he does like you that way, so to convince you that you are not crazy?)

    Page 7, Oct 19: “Knowing I am not going crazy and that I can trust my perception is just a huge relief!“. Following you mentioning the word crazy five times, I went back to your September 2020 thread looking for what may be behind your mention of the word. The following are your words in that thread and the current: “My sister became ill when she was 11 (I was 7)… She was screaming from pain sometimes up to 20 hours a day… It took us 7 years of fighting before she got the treatment she needed….For the first 7 years..  she was told to just get over it and that she was probably faking it for attention…  doctors.. kept saying it’s was just a teenage girl trying to get attention“-

    – for your sister, for you and for your parents, to hear her screaming for hours at a time, sometimes up to 20 hours within a period of 24 hours, over a period of months and years… and to be told by anyone, let alone by medical doctors (and not in an undeveloped country, but in “a country that’s quite wealthy… known for having a great healthcare system“) that the screams are as trivial as those of a teenager seeking attention is… unbelievably crazy and crazy- making. I mean, I understand that it is not uncommon for patients to be misdiagnosed in wealthy countries, but to be told by medical doctors that a person screaming for up to twenty hours straight is faking it… is so crudely unethical and inhumane that it would have been enough to make me feel crazy and very traumatized.

    I am so sorry for all four members of your family for having gone through such a traumatizing, crazy making experience. How is your sister doing these days and how are your parents? Is there any chance at all to seek financial compensation for what your parents were told repeatedly, I assume (that their acutely suffering daughter was faking it), so that you and your other family members can receive all the quality psychotherapy that you need?

    anita

    #409511
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am aware that there can be personal biases in terms of talking Regards to the cute guy I only told one of the boys and the two girls that I like him prior to me telling them about his behaviour. The other people I just told them about the way he acted and that I thought it was a weird behaviour. They then said that it’s because he likes me and that he isn’t like that with other women. The boy said maybe he is just awkward around you because he can tell you like him and that he doesn’t like you that way. I thought that was a very valid point. But then why go from talking to me normally and then instantly getting nervous when he asked me to go to the bar with him. Only after I acepted he started looking at me and talking more normally. I wanted them to focus on his behaviour and not my feelings because if they just tell me what I wanted to hear and not what they think his behaviour actually means then I would get hurt. This is why i always push men away and second guess their every move. I never wanna believe that a guy i like likes me and then risk getting hurt that’s why if the cute guy had one day where we didn’t really talk i would think then he doesn’t like me. My colleagues( (whom I talked to on one on one basis didn’t know i liked him just that I thought his behaviour was weird) they started laughing at me for not picking up on him trying to get me to eat at a turkish restaurant, I thought he was trying to get rid of me. Him being awkward when the boys and girls were snifing me and wanted me to spray my parfume on his wrists, i said to them about the situation “you wanna smell like a girl for the rest of the party?” she went of course not! He wanted to smell like you! That he sounded mad/frustreted when he kept saying but who is gonna pour me a beer(before the friend housewarming) he knew who could pour him a beer it’s the same person that takes over from me in the café every Saturday and two girls in the bar could have don it. She went no! The who means you! That’s why he was frustreted with you for not picking up on it, and why he when he finally got to the party he ended up right next to me even though i was the person  that was hardest to get to. Two boys at work (on separate occasions) told me that the thought he seemed jealous when he saw us talking along and that he talked very loud to draw attention to himself. That was something that i didn’t notice. My mom asked me if something was going on between me and him based on his interaktions with them when he came over to introduce himself to them. I never told my mom about him.

    I also didn’t want to read his general anxiety as interest in me. We both have days where we shut down socially due to lack of readources, that’s not something i take personally. But when he was talking to my other female colleagues he is fine and then turns around and gets nervous talking to me. Then he is acting different around me. Like didn’t react to his female friend (that he works reception with) but reacted and invited himself to my housewarming, him not reacting to his really good friend getting creepy comments from men but got mad when he heard about my experiences, the other boy who is friends with both of us didn’t react to any of the comments. I don’t think that someone likes someone based on what they are doing but the way they are doing it. My colleagues also tell me when they think I’m reading too much into something or if they think i am wrong.

    The guy I was with earlier this year, did a lot of things that indicated that he like me. He wanted to go out and do stuff with me alone. He started offering me to try his food using his own fork (I wouldn’t do that with just everybody) but he was a perfect gentleman so I wasn’t sure it was more than that. Not until he kissed me that I finally was convinced that he really liked me. When I told my friends they said you really didn’t see it? It was kinda obvious. Even the guy that was on the spectrum knew he liked me.

    Dating in this city seems harder due to the many nationalities. There is so many cultures that all act differently.

    They thought my sister was faking it because they couldn’t find out what was wrong. And because they couldn’t find out what was physically wrong with her they thought i was mental and based on her age 11 y. They thought it was teenager kinda behaviour. She had two things wrong at the same time and that caused the doctors to be confused by her behaviour. My country is one of the wealthy one’s but our healthcare system has been under founded and understaffed for many years so doctors are insanly stressed which causes more mistakes.

    I really wanted all of us to have terapy me and my sister did but not my parents. I also wanted them to have it, not just because of my sister and what they had to deal with(i was a child so i could just go to my room to take a break they couldn’t) but also because of their traumatic childhood.

    Sorry for the long post. I talk alot because it relieves me of stress but I know people don’t really want to hear someone go over the same thing over and over again. If i talk to much let me know.

     

     

     

    #409512
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I talk a lot because it relieves me of stress but I know people don’t really want to hear someone go over the same thing over and over again. If I talk to much let me know“- it is okay with me that you relieve your stress by talking/ sharing a lot, and you are welcome to keep relieving your stress this way. There is no limit as far as # of words per post, not as far as I know, so you are welcome to type away your feelings as thoughts as much and for as long as you need to.

    In regard to the rest of your post, I will attentively read and reply hours from now, as I am just about to go out into the dreary gray, rainy day, away from the computer.

    anita

    #409513
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Not really they said that the were totally gonna help me out, but nothing ever happened. I was thinking us going out as a group like we did back in June where they told him they were going to a pub with me and if he would join. He said yes even though he already had plans with his friends that day. And he ended up staying with us for long after he said that he was suposed to be else where and he did look at me later and said that this had been very nice and we should do it again. Going like that as a group made it easier for me to show more of my personality in the comfort of having my friends around. Because when I get to the point where i really like someone my anxiety kicks in, like I have to show my personality and who I am but I just end up paralysed and can’t even say hi to them.

    Yes the girl adding pressure was the girl who asked him to join us at the pub back then. She works reception with him the other girl works café (like me) and bar as well as some reception shifts. She was asking questions about me and him and it made me way more nervous than I already was. Which unfortunatly didn’t help me with the yoga date, because by then my anxiety got so high I thought everything on that day was a negative. And also the reason i wrote him in a defensive way.

    I haven’t told the two girls anything about what has been said between me and him since, and I have never told them the details of what happened on the yoga date.

    Your right. And I feel a lot better when I am hanging out with my other colleagues than them. I know it wasn’t their job to set me up with this guy, but when someone tells you that they are gonna help you out and only not to be included when they go out as a group really hurts.

     

    #409519
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I read your recent posts and I can see that nothing about my recent posts are of any interest or meaning to you. This is disappointing to me..  but then,  your thread is not about me, my motivations and my wishes; it is about you and what you want and wish for. Good night/ morning to you, Katerine.

    anita

    #409528
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Your posts are of meaning to me, I’m not sure what i did wrong.

    #409533
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I’m not sure what I did wrong“- you did nothing wrong to me, and nothing wrong to anyone in the context of your thread!

    I talk a lot because it relieves me of stress but I know people don’t really want to hear someone go over the same thing over and over again. If I talk too much let me know“- relieving stress by repeating yourself over and over again, here on your thread, is not wrong. And like I suggested, you are welcome to repeat yourself on your thread as much and as often as you would like.

    Hi Anita, Your posts are of meaning to me“- I can see that when you receive a reply, you get the chance to repeat yourself, and repeating yourself  has meaning to you (it relieves your stress, like you said). But as far as the content of the long post I sent you yesterday (and posts earlier), none of it led to you form new thoughts and consider and explore new ideas. All you did in response to my reply was… to repeat yourself:  “Hi Anita… I only told one of the boys and the two girls that I like him…  They then said that it’s because he likes me… not picking up on him trying to get me to eat at a Turkish restaurant”, etc.

    The reason I felt disappointed when I received your response to my long post of yesterday was that I had an expectation that you will respond to some of the content of my post by considering something new, and you didn’t. It is not wrong for you to not consider something new. It is just that my motivation is different from yours: yours is to repeat; mine is to explore, to learn something new and to understand better.

    I don’t blame you for not considering new ideas about/ exploring how your mind works and how you can live life differently. It is way easier (no anxiety involved) for a replying member- such as me- to consider new/ challenging ideas about someone else’s mind and life (the OP’s) than it is to consider new/ challenging ideas about my own mind and my own life. (I am making more and more of an effort to share and explore new ideas about myself and my life in the context of communicating with original posters, so to make it fair).

    Katrine- please do post again anytime, at any length: express yourself, repeat. I will not offer you any more insight, analyses (and in so doing repeat myself), but if you would like me to, I will be glad to reply with a sentence or two, just so to encourage you to post again and again (please let me know if you would like this; otherwise, I will not).

    anita

    #409537
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I wasn’t aware of that. You are more than welcome to give insight and analysize. Me and Tee have started going into my childhood and the patterns I have adapted, and it has been very helpful and I am applying that now.

    #409538
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    You didn’t share much about your childhood: how it was like hearing your sister scream from pain up to 20 hours a day for years: what did your parents do while she was screaming, what did you do… how did you escape the noise and how were you treated by your mother and by your father growing up?

    Looking at the title of your thread, my question is: who liked Katrine the child: who hugged her, who talked softly to her, who played with her…Who asked her questions like how she was feeling and what she wanted?

    anita

    #409540
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m not sure to be exact, I don’t really remember a lot from those years. I have one memory of coming home from school and seeing my sister lying on the floor og the living room with a towel over her head covering her eyes, curtains drawn and no lights on screaming and crying and I went to my room and listened to music to block it out. Most of what happened is something I don’t remember but they told me about. I do remember them taking me to a child psycologist once or twice when I was like 11 years old.

    #409545
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    “She was screaming from pain sometimes up to 20 hours a day… It took us 7 years of fighting before she got the treatment she needed….For the first 7 years..  she was told to just get over it and that she was probably faking it for attention…  I don’t really remember a lot from those years.  I have one memory of coming home from school and seeing my sister lying on the floor…  Most of what happened is something I don’t remember but they told me about“-

    – I am now presenting you with what might be a new thought for you, one that you may never have considered or explored: did you ever consider that you were lied to and that much (or key elements) of what you were told was not true?

    anita

    #409549
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    Me and Tee have started going into my childhood and the patterns I have adapted, and it has been very helpful and I am applying that now.

    I am glad that some of our discussion helped you. I did mention a few possible false core beliefs, and a possible pattern that you are repeating in your friendships. I’ve described it on page 9, last but one post. This is what I said:

    In your childhood, you concluded that your parents don’t care about you, because of their failure to protect you. You also concluded that you’re not important, that you’re less worthy than others.

    These became your core false beliefs: “I am not important”, “Nobody cares about me”, “I am unworthy”.

    And now, you seem to be playing out this same narrative with these co-workers of yours. You are hoping that they’d care about you, but they don’t. They don’t care too much when they’re sober either, but they care even less when they’re drunk. And each time you interact with them, your childhood wound gets reopened. You feel again and again how worthless you are, and how nobody cares about you. Your false core belief is reaffirmed each time you interact with them and expect something from them.

    You haven’t commented on this analysis/assumption of mine, so I don’t know whether it sounds true to you, or not so much? But you did say that you’re realizing that your friends “drink way too much and do stupid stuff”, and that you are disappointed with their behavior. And that for that reason, you’re trying to expand your circle of friends.

    In my opinion, you’ve said enough about your childhood to get an idea of what happened and what you were missing the most: validation of your experiences, as well as soothing and protection that your parents failed to provide. I don’t think it would benefit you in any way to start assuming that your parents lied to you about your sister’s disease, e.g. when how long it took the doctors to diagnose her, etc.

    What is important is your experience of how you felt. And you remember very well how you felt: you were pushed to disregard your fears and to “just get over it”. You were told to “just forget about it” when your grandmother accused you of being an animal abuser. You were forced to do a presentation at school when you had terrible anxiety about it. Those were all traumatic events that you remember well, and which (together with other similar events) have caused you C-PTSD.

    So I would encourage you to keep working on the trauma you are aware of, and not on something you aren’t aware of and for which there is no evidence whatsoever.

     

    #409555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    Unless you feel the desire to answer my question (the one in my last post addressed to you, a bit over 4 hours ago), you are welcome to ignore it. If the question caused you much distress, I apologize and please ignore that question.

    Thanks to Tee’s latest reply, I paid enough attention to this part of what you wrote earlier today: “Me and Tee have started going into my childhood and the patterns I have adapted, and it has been very helpful“- because it already has been very helpful to you, please continue to go over your childhood patterns with Tee.

    When it comes to discussing a difficult childhood, it is better that an OP communicates with one replying member at a time, otherwise it can get confusing and counter-productive. My best wishes to you, Katrine Nielsen!

    anita

    #409678
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    No I don’t believe that my parents lied to me. They are not wicked people and had nothing to gain for it, they did everything that they could with the resources that they had. People not believing that she was sick and the medical trauma that she suffered which I can sense that neither do you based on the fact that we lived in a wealthy country.

    As for feeling relief in learning to trust my own perception makes good sense when you have had your reality denied for long. It makes you quetion everything and is a horrible feeling. Telling someone something that the want to hear just to make them happy, doesn’t sound very empathetic nor helpful.

    Repeting things isn’t just about reliving stress but also makes you able to see things from a different perspective.

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