Dear Katrine,

I am glad that your first intimate experience was a safe and pleasant one, and that it helped you conquer your fear of intimacy.

Yes we talked a bit today and he is still a bit awkward around me compared to my female colleagues but at least we are over the first contact since the rejection.

No wonder he is still a bit awkward around you – it’s because he still likes you…

It’s still hard cuz i really really like him

I understand that, I understand that rejection hurts… But I wonder if a different approach would be helpful: instead of resenting him for not giving you what you want, or pitying yourself for the lost opportunity, maybe it would help if you viewed him with empathy, knowing that he does like you but is afraid of intimacy. If you look at him with compassion and understanding, knowing that he is similar to you, or similar to how you were before, I think it could help both of you. Your heart will stay open, while he might feel unconditional acceptance, which could have a positive effect on him.

How does that sound to you? Do you think you could view him with compassion (not pity), and be open for a friendly relationship with no romantic expectations from him?

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

“I think I got too close and he got scared and shut down. I did the same when he got too close“- I agree. It is interesting, isn’t it, that emotional closeness (a good, healthy thing) can feel like a threat, requiring a shut down.

“he added that he was fuming and taking his anger out on (his brother)”- if the two of you were in a relationship, you’d have to pay attention and see that he does not take his anger out on you.

“.. and being so blinded by his own problems he wasn’t there for (his brother)”- … and you’d have to be prepared for the likelihood that he will not be there for you when he is blinded by his own problems. (If the two of you adequately regulated your emotions, you would be able to be there for each other even when experiencing problems).

“Honestly it nearly made me cry knowing I can trust my own perception of things and I’m not crazy“- you never seemed crazy to me. I think of you as remarkably rational, understanding and insightful.

“Earlier this year I had my first intimate experience with a man it was scary..  terrifying and foreign to me…I had to force myself. It sounds bad but it ended up being the most safe and stable thing I have ever tried. A true gentleman, we were together for three months then his visa expired. And that was hard. Finally, (I)  got some love and amazing experiences“-

– Your courage led you to success: C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S !!!

“I have learned a whole lot this year and still learning“- c O n G r A t U l A t I o N s again: the more you learn, the more courage… the more success.

“I know that when your nervous system gets dysregulated you can’t act appropriately because your brain is only focused on keeping you safe“- very well said. Your remarkable understanding and insight (which I mentioned above) is evident in your simple and accurate wording.

“I know I still react (shut ting down, pushing people away) instead of responding (regulating myself before making any decisions)“- again, very well said (if I may say so). When our nervous/ hormonal system is severely overly-excited, the brain-body will automatically shut down and the person will withdraw from any and all social interactions. It is therefore very important to get good at calming ourselves down whenever needed. I do it along this thinking: this over-excitement in between my ears is not necessary. It doesn’t help me deal with the external situation. More and more so, this thinking by itself helps me to calm down/ regulate my emotions.

“I am noticing some details I think I missed then…. he went: I think it’s time to go eat something, what are you doing for the rest of the day?“- when I read what he said (italicized), my first thought was that he wanted the two of you to eat together.

“I felt rejected like maybe he wanted me to leave. I said go home and eat as well“- but your first thought, expecting rejections, was that he wanted you to go away so that he can go and eat without you.

“He didn’t ask me until right before we had to go our separate ways so maybe he was trying to get the courage to ask me?“- I think so, plus fearing rejection himself, he didn’t have enough courage to ask you directly to join him for a meal in a Turkish restaurant, so he went about it indirectly, asking you about your plans for the day (same as his indirect approach in regard to the pub).

“Every time we came to a standstill, my approach was to just go back to square one and talking like friends“- or, you can attempt an honest, direct conversation with him. It will take courage and emotion regulation: two things with which you already experienced success.

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I am glad to read that you are very proud of yourself for all the progress you have made!!! Good to read that he too is working on his mental health and on making better choices. About how to go about talking it out with him: how about talking it out with him in writing, at this point: this way you will have all the time you need to express yourself clearly and he will less likely to get overwhelmed and to shut down, being that he will be reading what you tell him in the privacy of his home, with no pressure to respond quickly…?

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

Asking him for a walk and then talking during the walk or when the two of you sit down after walking, on a park bench or on the grass, may be best. Maybe you can bring with you a couple of sandwiches and something to drink (hot chocolate, let’s say, if it fits the weather) and have a tiny picnic in the park (comfort food and drink may.. comfort the two of you).

“when he said goodbye he called me Kat…  I take that as a good sign“- all the signs indicate that he indeed likes you as a girlfriend. But people are complex, some more complex than others. This is why no one can predict how he will respond to you in the future. I know of a man in real-life who exhibits many signs that he likes a particular woman and wants her in his life, in one way or another, and yet, when he talks about her outside her presence: he insists, loud and clear, that he doesn’t want her in his life at all.

“I will apologize for my behaviour and probably say that I believe that we both like each other but don’t know exactly how to go about it. Or something like that“- I think that it’s a good idea that you apologize for shutting him down in the past: explain to him just a bit why you shut him down (he should identify with your reason, since it’s the same for him), then pause. By pausing, you will be giving him the opportunity to respond. If he doesn’t say anything, or he mumbles something and looks/ sounds very awkward,  talk about something else (birds in the park, people walking by, and/ or pour hot cocoa, etc.), giving him the opportunity to recover from his awkwardness.

When the two of you are calm enough (not too nervous, not too stressed), tell him that you like him very much and that you noticed in his behavior signs that he likes you back, like him calling you Kat. Ask him if he called you Kat because he likes you in a  special way, like you figured, or if you figured incorrectly. What do you think about my suggestions so far?

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

“I was thinking about apologizing for my behaviour and say when my anxiety kicks in I become rude without knowing (shut ting down, ignoring people) and it’s hard for me to keep a conversation going… and then tell him I appreciate him taking time meeting me and give a yoga session” – so far, so good.

“then maybe something like but I don’t believe you didn’t read any intention into this, I think you like me as much as I like you…“- not clear enough. You mentioned that he has attention deficit, if I remember correctly. I do too and it was hard for me to follow this part. It is too complicated for me.

“Maybe mention that I think we both struggle letting people close (he talks about trauma and psychology) letting him know it’s not easy for me as well“- I think it’s a good idea, to say this.

“Maybe I’ve tried reading you for months but I tired of it (letting him know that I have been avoidant but only because I couldn’t read him“- not a good idea to add this: too complicated.

“Not quite sure how to end“- end the conversation simply. Make it all simple, beginning to end. Do not elaborate much. Let him know clearly that you like him as a potential boyfriend and you’d like to know what he feels about it, and if he would like to be your boyfriend.

Scary to be that simple and direct, isn’t it?

anita