Dear Katrine,

Yeah they want him to stay there during the high season.

And that would be summer time? And the rest he would be allowed to work remotely?

It’s not a good sign that his boss is not keeping his word and makes him work more than initially agreed. But I understand that he doesn’t want to reject it as this point, since he is in Brazil and needs the money, so he’s sort of dependent on them. He doesn’t want to close the door on something that might be his “dream job”, as you’ve described it.

I think that even if he says yes now, he can change his mind later, once he is in Portugal and sees how things work. Even if he signs the contract, he has the right to quit, so I wouldn’t see it as tragedy if he accepts the job at this point.

You can even have a long-distance relationship for a while. I was in a LDR with my now husband for 5 years. Portugal is Europe, so it shouldn’t be so hard to travel and visit each other. Of course, the precondition is that he has some guaranteed free time, such as on weekends, and that they don’t cheat about that. But if they prove to be a cheating, exploitative company, he can always quit.

So I think this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship, and that it’s still doable, even if there are challenges. Try not to look at it in black-and-white terms – there are many possibilities how you can be a couple, and yet not live together all the time, at least for the time being. Be creative, be flexible. If you both want to be together and love each other, it can be arranged.

I have found a therapist back home (she does online sessions as well) and she works with improving romantic relastionsships, from heart ache to attachment style and all of that. I think that would be really helpful for me because this rollercoaster is too much for me.

It’s a great idea to work with a therapist. I know it’s hard for you, because you thought you can finally be happy with someone who loves you, and then obstacles appeared. And we, people with C-PTSD, can’t handle obstacles very well. It all seems scarier and worse than it really is. You feel helpless, although you are not really, because there are options to work around this problem. You just have to trust that it’s possible!

So please, don’t lose hope, don’t think it’s the end of love. It’s just life with its obstacles…. but you know how they say: where there is will, there is a way.

I am rooting for you! Let me know what he decided…

Dear Katrine,

that’s great news! You see how it’s all coming together, and he might end up living in London with you (didn’t know you were in London, btw, I thought you were somewhere in Scandinavia 🙂 ). Really happy for you, Katrine!

Dear Katrine,

I am sorry he is not writing more frequently. How often do you communicate? Is he still coming to London before going to Portugal? How about your trip to Portugal – is it still on?

Dear Katrine,

We’ve been in touch once a week but I’m nervous. He’s working more then he thought he would, and on top of that he started studying four hours a day (and seeing friends and family plus dental surgery) so he is busy.

Once a week is not too much indeed. It seems he tends to take on way too much work. I remember when he worked 72 hr weeks at the hostel, which is inhumane and barely possible physically. So he might have problems with boundaries and standing up for himself. Perhaps there is also a pressure to earn money, so he can send it to his family?

He is still coming here before Portugal but I don’t know when or how long, and he said he was anxious to go back to europe and to see me (I hope he meant to say excited).

What does his arrival date depend on? Perhaps he isn’t getting a clear answer from his company about when he is needed in  Portugal, and he is hesitant to ask about it and have it defined? And yeah, I also think he meant excited, not anxious…

We haven’t planned Portugal yet because he’s hoping that they will give him at least two days off and that he can provide him a place to stay so we won’t have to stay at a hostel or something.

Yeah, it seems again that his company is not willing to fix any dates, and he is unwilling to ask. He is maybe afraid of asking anything, not to lose his job? I understand that right now, while he is in Brazil, he is in a more vulnerable position than once he gets to Europe. So I can kind of understand his hesitancy to demand anything at this point. However, if he has a tendency to not speak up for himself, it might be contributing to this whole situation of him being overburdened and unable to communicate with you more.

I have been batteling with all my triggers and extrem emotions for five months now since he said that he liked me. I know this is normal but I am really worried that it’ll all bee for nothing because he’s gone for so long and his poor texting skills.

It’s normal you feel anxious about his lack of communication. I am almost sure that it’s because he is overburdened and everyone has demands on him, and he simply doesn’t have time. But if I am seeing it right, it might be that he is a people pleaser and simply cannot say No. And so he get torn between all those demands. It seems his company is taking advantage of this weakness of his and giving him more and more work.

At this point, try to be patient and understand him. Try to hold on for another 2 or 3 weeks, till you meet him. And then you’ll know better how things stand. But on the long run, I think he’ll need to deal with his lack of boundaries and allowing people to exploit him. But for now, try to be patient and supportive, even if it’s hard for you, because your own needs are not met.

Are you seeing the therapist you mentioned last time?

Dear Katrine,

Like me coming to visit him on his birthday in June is a clear date, but he’s not sure how much time they will give him off (he’s hoping for two days) so we can’t really plan anything until we know exactly when which I don’t like.

He should ask them for at least 2 days off when you visit him, otherwise it may happen he will be working all day and won’t be able to spend much time with you. I think he should be able to ask for those 2 days, and not depend on their mercy.

I think he struggles with that too. Like I told him several times to talk to a manager about the head chef and he never did. Or try to get him to ask for shifts in reception when they needed it before giving those shifts t someone else. But it easy for me to say cuz I’m exactly the same and I’m still struggeling to set boundaries myself.

Yeah it seems he has a problem to stand up for himself and say No at work. Or to express what he wants (e.g. to get easier shifts when possible).

He wrote me yesterday to check up on how I was doing and so that felt good

Good, I am glad he wrote to you without being prompted by you.

I think that working in the kitchen that long has hurt his mental health more than he’s willing to say.

Possibly… because working 72-hr weeks under a person who is suffering from behavioral problems (or even mental illness) is a huge burden. If he has low self-esteem, then being exposed to that kind of harassment (being put down, not allowed to use the bathroom etc) can cause him to feel ever worse about himself, to take things to heart and believe that he is not good enough. So yeah, it probably affected him a lot…

We had problems with him yesterday, he made the new chef cry then kicked him out of the kitchen. Then I got kicked out and a collegue for trying to check up on the delayed food orders

I really don’t understand why they are still keeping the head chef, even though he is harassing the staff. Is he really that irreplaceable?

Also I don’t think that he has been in a relationship before, and maybe doesn’t know quite how to comminicate (like myself)

Well, it’s good he is reaching out to you, it’s not just you initiating contact. This shows he is interested in the relationship with you, it’s just that he has too much on his plate (partly due to his inability to set boundaries). I hope you’ll be able to talk to him about all this when you meet. Perhaps you can encourage him to ask for 2 days off for his birthday, and see what he says.

I have been really exhausted lately so put it aside but I want to contact the therapist soon because she seems really good. It will have o be online and i’m not very technical but we will figure it out I think.

Yes, do that, and don’t worry, you’ll figure out the technology part!

Dear Katrine,

yes, hang in there, and if you can, start therapy, because I am sure it will help.

I too hope he gets at least 2 days off…

Dear Katrine,

I am really sorry about that. Does it mean his company changed their plans and are not opening properties in London or delaying the whole project?

I can’t believe this is happening. He broke his promise to me.

I understand your disappointment. But wasn’t his coming to London dependent on whether the company needs him there or not? It seems he is on a pretty tight leash there and doesn’t have time to swing by London before going to Portugal.

He kept promesing me that he would tell me if things changed, but he never did

Do you think it means he doesn’t care about you? Or it’s just that he is unable to ask for anything for himself and just does what the company dictates?

I’m so confused. I don’t what i do to deserve this

You haven’t done anything wrong! It’s the circumstances that are doing this…  The way I see it, the main question is whether he still cares about you and is interested in a relationship with you. If his feelings haven’t changed, then you can talk about things and see what your options are.

Are you still going to Portugal for his birthday? I wouldn’t cancel it, if his feelings haven’t changed and he wants to see you. But if he is indifferent or insecure, that’s another story. I hope his feelings haven’t changed, but just that his priority at this point is to secure the job with this company.

I think the key at this point is: 1) how he feels about you and 2) whether he is willing to do the minimum to spend some time with you. If he isn’t willing to invest even a day or two to be with you in Portugal, it would mean you’re not that important to him. But if he is keen to see you and can ensure 2 days off, that would show that he cares and that he is willing to “fight” for you,  i.e. ask for 2 days off in spite of his fear of what the company might say.

Dear Katrine,

He didn’t give me any explanation. Just a no I’ll be going straight to Portugal. To me that’s a break up.

Well yes, if he doesn’t give any explanations and just kind of informs you about his decision, that’s cold. It’s not what someone who cares would do.

I think the best would be to talk to him. Tell him what you told me: that you feel hurt when he changes plans without discussing it with you and just informs you about it. Tell him that this makes you believe he doesn’t care about you and that you’re not important to him any more. Be honest and express your feelings, without attacking  him. And see what he has to say.

So my advice is to try communicating with him before calling it quits, because no relationship can succeed without communication. So I’d give him a chance to clarify what he feels and what his intentions are about you.