Dear Katrine,

I am so sorry you’re hurting. What do you think of my suggestion to talk to him and express how you’re feeling, instead of bottling it all up?

It’s good you’ve applied for therapy, and also that you’re planning to go home, to have a break from everything.

Especially since everybody knows about us at work, and now i feel put on the spot, because they are asking me about him.

You can tell them he is not coming to London after all and goes straight to Portugal, due to his job. You don’t need to tell more details, if you don’t want to. Perhaps you can confide in people you trust a little more, like X and Y?

Dear Katrine,

I don’t want to scare him away, maybe telling him something like i feel he has been distant lately and I’m gonna give him some and that he can always reach out to me

Well, if you phrase it like that, you’re assuming that he wants a time out, and you are giving it to him, and kind of pretending to be cool about it. Neither of this is true. First, you don’t know what his intentions are, and second, you are totally not cool about giving him a time out. Instead, you are very anxious about his potential leaving.

So instead of playing the “cool girl”, I’d talk to him and express my feelings. But as I said, without attacking him. This is called non-violent communication: you speak in the “I” form. For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t discuss important things with me”. Instead of “You’re being so cold and distant lately and aren’t telling me anything”.

Or you can say something like “I feel sad because I feel that you’ve been distant lately”.  So you express your feeling and tie it to his behavior, but you don’t attack him for this behavior.

How does that sound?

Dear Katrine,

I’m scared of his reply. Since his actions and words don’t align any more. That’s what happened with the guy i was with last year.

The one who went back home to his country after his visa expired (not sure I remember that part well)? I thought you had a sort of an agreement with that guy that your relationship will only last till he is in your country and that there were no plans for a LDR?

But I understand that you’re scared. You don’t want your fears to be confirmed. When he left for Brazil, he said he’d be back. But now he is changing plans and not telling you much. Have you talked to him in the meanwhile? Or the last communication was that he’s not coming to London and nothing more than that?

Dear Katrine,

I’m very scared. I received a voice message from him yesterday. Saying he misses talking to me and he wants to know how everything is going here, and tell me about his life. He’s nervous about going to Portugal. We agreed to call and catch up with each other. I’m a bit nervous but he said he missed talking to me twice and he didn’t sound sad or anything.

This sounds pretty good. If he said twice that he misses talking to you, and wants to hear all about you and tell you about his life, it sounds promising. I can imagine he’s nervous about going to Portugal, because it’s a beginning of a new chapter in his life. Perhaps he is nervous about how he’ll organize his life there and about all the responsibilities awaiting him on his job?

In any case, it doesn’t seem that he is distancing himself from you or that he wants to say goodbye.

Have you agreed on a time of your next call?

Maybe this entire confusion is because he doesn’t have the privacy to talk to you (perhaps he is surrounded by family members?), and also because of big difference in time zones? So maybe the problem is mostly logistical and not because he is losing interest?

Dear Katrine,

I am hoping too that your talk on Monday will turn out the best and dispel your fears. Let me know how it went… I am rooting for you!

Dear Katrine,

oh… sorry to hear that 🙁 I don’t think he is lying though. But it is tough on you, I totally understand. Because something always gets in the way.

Do you know when he is arriving to Portugal? I am sure that then you should be able to talk more regularly. And clarify what he actually feels about you and how to proceed.

In the meanwhile, try to reduce your anxiety, e.g. by doing some exercise, going for a brisk walk, or perhaps a jog. I think moving  your body and burning that extra stress might help you calm down and feel better.

That’s great that you managed to keep calm and not attack him, but just say that you miss him. Well done, Katrine!

Keep walking and burning that stress whenever you can… yeah the summer arrived, so that helps a lot!