Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I’d say a 1/4- 1/3 of a standard paper size would be the limit. You can post a first draft right here and if you would like,  I will edit it for you (for length and content). You can then tell me your thoughts about my editing and we can both come up with a final draft.

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I agree that writing to him is the best choice. Do you know (by the time you are reading this message) why your two girlfriends did not ask you to join them on the night out?

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I know how it feels to not be included, not good at all. Whenever you are ready to write down what you want him to read, do so and we’ll take it from there.

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

What you wrote as a first draft reads fine except that it is not challenging (you didn’t include a single questions for him), and it is not direct (you didn’t suggest going to a Turkish restaurant with him and you didn’t suggest a relationship with him). It is fine with me that you send him this message just as you presented it, but I want to offer you a different version by the end of this post.

You’ve been thinking of writing him a message and contemplating about what to include in the message for 2 weeks now. In regard to the message, you wrote September 27 and onward: (1) “I was thinking about apologizing for my behaviour and say when my anxiety kicks in I become rude without knowing (shutting down, ignoring people) and it’s hard for me to keep a conversation going (he had to constantly be the conversation starter)… tell him that…  I like him so much so I shut down to protect myself (letting him know I ignored him because I liked (him), not because I didn’t care… I really want to emphasize that my rude behaviour over the past months was because of my anxiety and that I like him so much”, (2) “and then tell him I appreciate him taking time meeting me and give a yoga session (something positive that I unfortunately didn’t do on the day)”  (3) “at the end maybe wrap it up with the Turkish restaurant he thinks I should try. Then he has a chance to join me if he wants to” (4) “I need to keep focus on me then he has space to think if he wants to…  Keeping it simple“.

My suggested version:  Hi (or Dear… however you normally address people)___ (name):

First, I want to say thank you for meeting me that day in the park and giving me a yoga lesson. I very much appreciate you taking the time and the effort, and I appreciate you overall, as a person: very much so!

Thing is, so far, when I liked someone very much, I got scared and I shut down so to protect myself. In the park, in the pub, and otherwise in the last two months, because I like you so much, I shut down in the following ways: I did not express my appreciation of you, I did not initiate a conversation with you, and I didn’t keep a conversation (that you started)  going, I left without saying goodbye, I ignored and avoided you…  All these are rude behaviors. But they were not about me disliking you; the opposite is true: I like you very much!

Regardless of the explanation to my rude behaviors, I am responsible for how I behave, and I sincerely apologize. It is my intent to treat people kindly, especially the people I like the most. It will be difficult to accomplish this long-term because of my anxiety and my tendency to shut down, but I will try my best!

I was wondering, maybe you can help me with my goal of not shutting down when I like someone very much… maybe you can help me to keep a conversation going and to remain open instead of shutting down: how about you joining me to a Turkish restaurant, my treat, and we can talk about it?

Sincerely, Katrine.

– What do you think about my version?

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

“I want to be direct about my feelings about him over the many months, but giving him space to come to me… I don’t want to spook him… too direct... I am afraid of making him bolt“- you can send him parts of the message I suggested, the parts you feel that are not too direct, and not include the last paragraph where I suggested that you offer to treat him to a meal at the Turkish restaurant.

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

Your situation had me thinking earlier of the term analysis-paralysis, which means that in a situation where there is a lot of uncertainty, some people (more than others) tend to overanalyze and overthink the situation so much and for so long, that.. no action is taken. Like you wrote in your most recent post, and I agree: “better get it over with“, better shake off that paralysis and take the action (sending him a written message), an action that you considered taking for the last two weeks.

Remember that it is most important that you express yourself honestly and simply-  regardless of how he will react. No matter what you write to him, no matter how careful, you cannot predict or guarantee that he will react the way you want him to react. His behavior is out of your control.

anita

Dear Katrine:

“who doesn’t like compliment right?“- yes, people love compliments, I do, as long as the compliments are sincere. Focus on expressing yourself simply and sincerely regardless of his reaction or lack of. Do this for yourself!

anita