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Does he love me or messing with my mind :(

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  • #160250
    Sophie
    Participant

    Hi lovely helpful people

    I have a question, am I right to feel how I feel? And what does he mean 🙁

    I am going traveling in 5 weeks, me and my ex rekindled 3 months ago and we became very attached, I have a anxious attachment style and feel I get invested way to quick, especially because he was an ex, he just knew me. I am extrelmy in ore of him, he is so so so hot to me but I’ve always felt something was missing??

    So the more attached I got the more I felt like I was spinning out of control about following my dreams to travel (flight and everything was booked) so I’m panicking that I’m leaving maybe “the one” omg am I doing the right thing???it even got so bad I was stressing so much I was making myself ill, hair was falling out and I was bring up this issue with my counsellor, my head was a loud mess and stupidly I was crying at least once a day.

    Yesterday I thought this is just crazy, im litrally exhausted so I decided to ask him “do you think your just not ready for a serious comitment yet” to which he replied “yes, I feel I still have selfish tendancys like my work and sport I want to focus on” I was very calm and im not sure what I felt, I felt something but I cant describe it, I kind of feel single? A bit on the side? Just a fling for another 5 weeks? I dont really want to see him! I really don’t know… I did tell him I was a little annoyed by the fact the he has watched me cry my eyes out, go to counselling have all these confusing and cinflicting thoughts for him to only just tell me this now! Whist feeding me the – “ I wont always be this way baby, when you get back we can start again, I love you and see my life with you, you the best person ive ever met” WHAT DOES THIS MEAN….

    Once again im so so so confused, yes I was always going traveling but I did say to him maybe I will just do one snow season and come back to you, yes its always been in the back of my mind is he really the one for me? But now I kind of feel a little numb, like he has his cake ad can now eat it, but am I wrong because he tells me he loves me so so much…

    Please can you help me on what my next direction should be, like I say I leave in 5 week, I have a two year visa to Canada and travelling has always been my true passion.

    Thank you so much

    Sophie x

    #160256
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophie:

    1) You have a planned travel to Canada coming up in five weeks, visa for two years to come

    and

    2) you are in an ongoing re-kindled relationship with a man in the last three months while you suffer from an “anxious attachment style”

    These two things, thing 1 and thing 2 don’t go together.

    Best for you, I believe, is to end this relationship as soon as possible. Not because it is an abusive relationship but because it is not congruent with your plan, nor is it congruent with your mental health.

    Regarding the question you started this thread with: “am I right to feel how I feel? And what does he mean?” – he means that he is not ready to consider a serious commitment to you. When he says ““ I wont always be this way baby, when you get back we can start again, I love you and see my life with you, you the best person ive ever met”- maybe he is trying to make you feel better, maybe when he says this he is smitten at that moment, feeling euphoric (maybe a result of physical intimacy?)

    His words are not carved in stone. He is not committed to you and he is sometimes smitten, or emotional.

    You are right to feel whatever you feel. The question is: is your interpretation of what you feel right or wrong.

    I believe that your safety is not with him, so as you go traveling, you are not abandoning safety.

    anita

     

    #160262
    Sophie
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Your are right, I think I find it hard knowing that someone doesn’t want me “yet” but still wants to see me and love me – that’s is really strange to me and a little upsetting.

    Do you think that fact that i’m anxious in relationship means that I will find it hard to find love? There are certain things about him that I truly love but then I think back to what he is saying to me and doing to my mental health right now and I think how can he love me. He isn’t being horrible or abusive at all he is being very loving so I think i’m trying to make that connection in my mind as to how he can be so loving but then say the things he is saying, it doesn’t make sense to me.

    I feel traveling is right for me right now I just don’t want to feel the “what if” everyone I know and who us says how deeply in love he is with me, but how can this be?

    Thank you so much

    Sophie

     

     

     

    #160268
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sophie,

    Do you think it may be infatuation? In your post you stated “he is so, so, so, hot” and “I’m in Awe of him, yet I feel that something is missing. Can you elaborate on that? Do you think you just placed him on a pedestal, and idealized him, and see him as “all perfect”?

    What might be missing is love, connection, emotional bonding that you are really wanting, but just not getting from him, because you are focusing on his physical aspects and allowing it to consume you. I also don’t like what he said when you asked him if he was ready for a committed relationship, and he said he wants to focus on other things. When you get back from traveling, he may still want to focus on other things. Telling you ” when you get back we will be together, have a future together” is like not really wanting to talk about having a committed relationship. Why in “the future” and not now? It sounds like he does not want to deal with things and sweep in under the rug. I see alot of red flags. Let me know your thoughts. Keep us posted.

    #160274
    Sophie
    Participant

    Thank you so much for replying I really appreciate your thoughts and I do agree with them yes! I also find it hard when he says that kind of mixed messages stuff… the thing is he says it with such love and understanding, “I truly truly love you and I never want to loose you” so I think that’s why I am so confused, in a way its making me resent him a little, this only happened yesterday and right now I cant/don’t want to see/talk to him, not in a tasty way but in a way of I don’t understand how he could treat me with so little respect, he saw the hurt I was going through yet didn’t bother to tell me this until I asked, so yes maybe he is not emotionally invested in me. But then I think back and he seems so loving and caring, all cuddles and kisses.

    I have struggled in the past waning me from him, I mean with out sounding crazy I feel I do sweet things to show my love towards him, like leave little notes or just make an effort to see if he need anything thought his day yet I get nothing like that in return, is that him being a boy or not emotionally invested?

    I do find him very very attractive yes and now you say it when I think about him being kind, caring and if I love him no matter how hard I try there is almost like a mental block so I find myself not actually being able to answer that… I also do like that he is into his sports, and he is very independent, he says he will work hard for us to have a happy life and family, so how am I supposed to feel after he says that… every girls wants that 🙁 maybe he isn’t the one for me!

    He says he knows this is all his fault and has commitment issues that he needs to work on so I know the answer is staring at me in the face MOVE ON SOPHIE!!!! I just find it hard.

    Thank you once again

    Sophie

     

    #160286
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophie:

    It is possible for a good man to feel love for a woman and at the same time, to not be ready for a committed relationship. I was not under the impression, from your previous thread and from this one, that this is a dishonest man. And I don’t believe that he is “doing (anything harmful) to my mental health”- it is you who is anxious in relationships and is engaged in one while about to travel for a long time in five weeks.

    As far as I can read, he is not the-bad-guy, an evil, guilty man victimizing a good, innocent woman. He loves you and he is not ready and you are not ready either. You asked: “Do you think that fact that I’m anxious in relationship means that I will find it hard to find love?”- yes, I do. Fear and love don’t go well together.

    anita

    #160354
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sophie,

    Don’t be quick too overanalyze this, or think that because you leave him notes and he doesn’t do the same, does not mean he does not love you. Men and women have different ways of commicating their love. Women are more of the “nurturing type” where they want in depth heart to heart conversations. They want flowers and chocolates and love letters, etc. Men on the other hand show their love in different ways. Maybe, it’s helping with the household chores, bringing you cold medicine when you are sick with the flu. Filling your car with gas, fixing your car, telling you they love you, complimenting tou, holding the door open for you, and other ttokens of affection we take for granted.

    There is a great book called “The 5 Love Languages” a best selling book by Dr. Gary Chapman. I read it, every time I enter a new relationship. Men do things that are special to make women feel loved, and Women do things special in a different way to make men feel loved. Too often, couples give up on each other if their ways of showing love are not “exactly the same.

    Some women or men would rather have “words of affirmation, hearing the words “I love you” are important. Insults can leave you shattered and not easily forgotten.

    Others like “quality time”. Being there for this type of person is critical, it makes the significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

    Receiving gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism. The receiver of the gift thrives on love, thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift. A missed birthday, anniversary, would be disastrous, so would be the the absense of everyday gestures.

    Acts of service: Can Vacuuming the floors be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything someone does to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on “acts of service” person will speak volumes. The words she or he might want to hear is “let me do that for you”. Laziness, broken commitments tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

    Physical touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, thoughtful touches on the arms, face, shoulder, can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care and love. Physical presence is crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

    Another great book I recommend on the different ways men and women communicate, is the book “Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. I hope this gives a little insight. Keep us posted.

    #160450
    Sophie
    Participant

    Eliana, thank you SO much, I got straight to work and printed out you response, that did hit a spot for me and I totally get what your saying, I think some times I compare what he does to what I do…

    So I spoke to him last night, and unfortunately I couldn’t even look at him in the eyes, I feel so so hurt and he is just going about his day as if nothing at all has happened, like he is 100% totally fine mean while I just cant stop overthinking or crying – this annoys me a lot (not that I want him to be in pain). He told me he loves me so so much but still wants his free time, to live on his own, to focus or himself and his work and sport, which im totally not saying is a bad thing I actually get it, I just don’t understand how he can lie in bed with me say all these nice amazing thing and then turn round and say but I don’t actually want anything serious!!! ummmm???? is it me being a little princess or if that not so cool, knowing how stressed I am at the moment.

    I don’t want to be nasty or be negative toward him one bit, I respect that he doesn’t want that yet as I only would want someone in my life that is 100% committed – so is this a fact of, Sophie get a grip he is telling you he doesn’t want you?

    Thank you

    x

    #160454
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sophie,

    I am very sure, you have nothing to worry about. He may be going about his day, but he is still including and seeing you. I think he is very independent, and wants an independent woman. Just because he is going about his day, does not mean he is not thinking about you. He may just be very busy and can’t get around to texting most of the day due to responsibilities. Show him your independent side. Have some interests outside of him. This will make you appear more interesting and a mystery to him.

    Try some volunteer work, maybe at a local animal sanctuary/shelter, a soup kitchen, volunteer to walk someone’s dog, take some hobbies, join your local YMCA, hang out with your friends more. Don’t make him your world or the center of your life, because this is the quickest way to scare men off. Try to not show him insecurities and that you are perfectly fine, thank you very much (lol) without him. Don’t tell him “you need him” don’t plead for his time or attention. After doing this, see if there is a change of his behaviour about you. He may start showing more interest in your life, now that you are not so “available” and “accessible” to him. Make him work for you. Be a mystery.

    If all this does not work, and he is not giving you the love, attention and love you deserve, it may be time to rethink this relationship and find someone who does. Keep us posted.

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