Dear Prudence:

“I tried a dating app… when I look in the mirror, I don’t see that ugliness at all… So why does this happen?“- it may be that you are not good at the workings of this technology of dating apps: limitless matches, fast access, great competition. Our world, especially that of your age (23), is very much technologically advanced, but very much deprived of the human in-person factor. It may be that you are falling through the cracks of this highly technological world.. ?

anita

Dear Prudence,

Look at it this way. Imagine a precious stone—like a rare meteor—lying unnoticed on a busy street. It’s unremarkable to the eye, lacking any visual allure, yet holds immense value. One person glances at it but, dismissing it as just another pebble, walks away. Here, does it tell more about the person or the stone? Isn’t it the finder’s ignorance in failing to see what’s beyond the surface. Takeaway: It is not your fault. Having standards these days is rare and valuable. So have patience. Let the universe offer you chances. Chasing people and trying to make people like you is utter waste of time. What is destined will happen. Since you are 23, it is a peak time for you to use your youth, do the undoable.

I myself have never had any relationship before. I tried approaching a few potential partners before. They rejected. But these rejections taught me a lot of things about life, mind and matter. It is not important what you bear, but how you bear. And now when I look back and see what they are, I sometimes feel relieved that they rejected: what happened was good.

I know sometimes this is all easier said than done. But to be able to hold there for a moment requires a leap of faith: believing that the fate is in your direction. If something is not going in your direction, then its not meant to be. Each of us needs what nature gives it, when nature gives it.

Soham 🙂

Hi Prudence,

First, I think its important to understand that you’re not the only person that struggles with finding or maintaining a mate. That doesn’t even account for the quality of that relationship. Understand that relationships are a form of art, and that art will speak to you differently based on your situation, experience, and story. Most people struggle with this, so if you’re feeling frustrated, know that it is super common.

What’s more important than that perspective is in understanding which relationship should be your priority. I’m talking about the longest and the one with the highest potential of fulfillment. I’m talking about the relationship you have with yourself. Getting to know your wants, needs, values, and beliefs are some of the deepest conversations you can have. Those people that know that side of themselves and are comfortable with those sometimes difficult conversations tend to be the safest people to be around. Make getting to know yourself a priority.

This leads to the last point I want to bring up, we attract into our lives that which we are ready for. I think you’re looking at the finish line rather than the journey. Some of my most fulfilling relationships took a long time to form, and the serendipity intertwined with each of them makes the relationships all the more special. Life unfolds at its own speed. Our job is to be aware and open to the opportunities that come our way.

Stay strong.

Dear Prudence:

You are welcome and you are using the forum well.

“my experiences have been exclusively negative in the real world as well“- would you like to give me an example of a negative experience of dating in the real world: what happened (in some detail: who said what, what conversation ensued, what interactions took place)? I ask because I would like to understand better.

anita

Dear Prudence:

No problem, you can respond whenever you have the time.

“Men don’t even look at me (and I notice them looking at others)“- this reminds me that as a teenager I was upset that teenage boys were looking at other girls, approaching them, but not approaching me. Years later, I realized that I wouldn’t know if they looked at me or not, because in their presence, whenever there was a chance that they may look at me, I reacted by looking away, avoiding the possibility of eye contact (I was too shy).

On their end, the teenage boys, if they see a girl looking away, they assume she is not interested. On the other hand, if they see a girl looking at them, making eye contact and smiling, talking or behaving flirtatiously.. that’s an invitation to be approached. I think that this is true in regard to being approached at any age, not just teenage.

anita

Hi Prudence

It might interest you to know that in person I have only been approached by two guys that I haven’t been friends with. I rejected both of them one because of shyness and one because of an age difference.

A lot of people use the internet to date these days. Infact, it is primarily the method used nowadays. So I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.

It is good to hear that you did have some success dating online! Congratulations on having your first kiss. 😊

In person everyone I have dated I have either met at parties and become friends with or simply just been friends with.

Online I have met 3 partners not through dating apps.

I think the difficulty of being friends with someone is there might be a limited pool locally. Whereas online there is a much larger variety of people.

I think that a lot of people flirt privately, not in front of other people. That is mostly what I did. You are not really getting a picture of what people do privately.

I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with shyness. I think that primarily shyness is likely to be the cause of the difficulties dating.

I have known people who aren’t classically beautiful by a long shot have a lot of success dating because they are very outgoing.

A crass way to put it is how do you think unattractive people are born? They have unattractive parents that um you know…

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏