Home→Forums→Relationships→Does my love life have a chance?
- This topic has 15 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 day, 3 hours ago by Prudence.
-
AuthorPosts
-
September 27, 2024 at 9:50 am #438411PrudenceParticipant
I’m 23 and have never been in a relationship. Men aren’t interested in me. The closest I got was with someone I met a year ago, but he didn’t want to date, despite claiming to love me.
I tried a dating app, convincing myself the problem isn’t me. I matched with some guys, but none showed real interest. I clicked with one, but after I sent him a photo, he lost interest.
I feel ugly, lonely, and unwanted—not because of the last guy specifically, but because of my lack of success in finding someone in general. I feel so stupid for thinking that my moment had finally come. And even the first guy I talked about had already shown that he didn’t think I was that pretty.
I feel sad because people say, “Love isn’t only about looks.” So why have I never had an opportunity? But the saddest part is that when I look in the mirror, I don’t see that ugliness at all… So why does this happen?
September 27, 2024 at 10:12 am #438414anitaParticipantDear Prudence:
“I tried a dating app… when I look in the mirror, I don’t see that ugliness at all… So why does this happen?“- it may be that you are not good at the workings of this technology of dating apps: limitless matches, fast access, great competition. Our world, especially that of your age (23), is very much technologically advanced, but very much deprived of the human in-person factor. It may be that you are falling through the cracks of this highly technological world.. ?
anita
September 27, 2024 at 7:49 pm #438418HelcatParticipantHi Prudence
I want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with not having had any relationships yet at the age of 23.
There is a good chance that you aren’t good at telling if someone is interested in you or not.
Your friend may love you, as a friend.
If you don’t think there is anything wrong with your appearance I doubt that there is anything wrong with it. I’m sorry to hear that the difficulties dating make you feel like you’re unwanted and there is something wrong with you.
For men, dating apps are primarily for having sex. Not for dating specifically. Their goal is generally a one night stand, or multiple of these before they even consider dating. If you sent a normal picture, not a sexy one. That is signalling that you aren’t interested.
Dating is hard these days. Women are expected to be treat terribly. For people who aren’t interested in that, it can be really difficult to find a partner. I think that it is a good thing to have standards though.
A degree of confidence is needed for dating because there is a lot of rejection. But everyone experiences that, not just you. And men experience it doubly so because they generally bear the larger burden of pursuit.
Actively flirting may help to signal interest. I found that to be the most effective way to attract a partner that I was interested in.
It is okay for this process to take some time. The ultimate goal of dating is to consider which qualities you value in a partner. Do you have any thoughts about this?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
October 1, 2024 at 7:21 am #438467SohamParticipantDear Prudence,
Look at it this way. Imagine a precious stone—like a rare meteor—lying unnoticed on a busy street. It’s unremarkable to the eye, lacking any visual allure, yet holds immense value. One person glances at it but, dismissing it as just another pebble, walks away. Here, does it tell more about the person or the stone? Isn’t it the finder’s ignorance in failing to see what’s beyond the surface. Takeaway: It is not your fault. Having standards these days is rare and valuable. So have patience. Let the universe offer you chances. Chasing people and trying to make people like you is utter waste of time. What is destined will happen. Since you are 23, it is a peak time for you to use your youth, do the undoable.
I myself have never had any relationship before. I tried approaching a few potential partners before. They rejected. But these rejections taught me a lot of things about life, mind and matter. It is not important what you bear, but how you bear. And now when I look back and see what they are, I sometimes feel relieved that they rejected: what happened was good.
I know sometimes this is all easier said than done. But to be able to hold there for a moment requires a leap of faith: believing that the fate is in your direction. If something is not going in your direction, then its not meant to be. Each of us needs what nature gives it, when nature gives it.
Soham 🙂
October 1, 2024 at 11:00 am #438476anitaParticipant* Dear Soham: thank you for the precious stone metaphor: powerful! I would like to use it in future replies to members.
I like your whole reply, including this sentence: “It is not important what you bear, but how you bear“.
I hope to read more from you: replying to members as you did today, and if needed, if you would like it- starting your own thread🙂
anita
October 1, 2024 at 1:56 pm #438481SeanParticipantHi Prudence,
First, I think its important to understand that you’re not the only person that struggles with finding or maintaining a mate. That doesn’t even account for the quality of that relationship. Understand that relationships are a form of art, and that art will speak to you differently based on your situation, experience, and story. Most people struggle with this, so if you’re feeling frustrated, know that it is super common.
What’s more important than that perspective is in understanding which relationship should be your priority. I’m talking about the longest and the one with the highest potential of fulfillment. I’m talking about the relationship you have with yourself. Getting to know your wants, needs, values, and beliefs are some of the deepest conversations you can have. Those people that know that side of themselves and are comfortable with those sometimes difficult conversations tend to be the safest people to be around. Make getting to know yourself a priority.
This leads to the last point I want to bring up, we attract into our lives that which we are ready for. I think you’re looking at the finish line rather than the journey. Some of my most fulfilling relationships took a long time to form, and the serendipity intertwined with each of them makes the relationships all the more special. Life unfolds at its own speed. Our job is to be aware and open to the opportunities that come our way.
Stay strong.
October 2, 2024 at 7:28 pm #438514PrudenceParticipantThank you for the responses, everyone. I don’t know how to use the forum very well (I just arrived), but it was great to hear other perspectives.
I have to admit that my negative feelings about myself have been hard to deal with, but I will try to think about what you all said.
Dear Anita, regarding my relationship with dating apps: I only used them once and had that negative experience. However, my experiences have been exclusively negative in the real world as well, which makes it difficult to keep hope.
October 2, 2024 at 7:43 pm #438516anitaParticipantDear Prudence:
You are welcome and you are using the forum well.
“my experiences have been exclusively negative in the real world as well“- would you like to give me an example of a negative experience of dating in the real world: what happened (in some detail: who said what, what conversation ensued, what interactions took place)? I ask because I would like to understand better.
anita
October 4, 2024 at 7:21 am #438535PrudenceParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hello, Anita! Sorry for the delay in responding; I just had time now. Well, regarding my negative experiences in real life, I mention this because I’ve never managed to connect with anyone like that. Men don’t even look at me (and I notice them looking at others). I’ve never had a chance to date or go out, etc. And these things are common for other women, including those with men who approach them instead of having to look for them.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”></p>October 4, 2024 at 8:34 am #438537anitaParticipantDear Prudence:
No problem, you can respond whenever you have the time.
“Men don’t even look at me (and I notice them looking at others)“- this reminds me that as a teenager I was upset that teenage boys were looking at other girls, approaching them, but not approaching me. Years later, I realized that I wouldn’t know if they looked at me or not, because in their presence, whenever there was a chance that they may look at me, I reacted by looking away, avoiding the possibility of eye contact (I was too shy).
On their end, the teenage boys, if they see a girl looking away, they assume she is not interested. On the other hand, if they see a girl looking at them, making eye contact and smiling, talking or behaving flirtatiously.. that’s an invitation to be approached. I think that this is true in regard to being approached at any age, not just teenage.
anita
October 4, 2024 at 1:34 pm #438539HelcatParticipantHi Prudence
I don’t agree that going on dates is necessarily common these days. Going on dates is more for people who are actively boyfriend and girlfriend.
Dating culture these days is centred around hooking up without being officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It is actually harder to find someone who does want to date officially.
Being approached is more likely to happen in specific situations. Namely, parties. Do you go to many parties? Approaches there will be people trying to hook up. Otherwise, it generally takes a while for people to express an interest. Do you have many single male friends? Even being friends with someone doesn’t guarantee that they will want to date officially even if they do take an interest. Many still only want to hook up. When I say that dating is difficult these days. I mean it. It took a long time for me to find someone who actually wanted to officially date instead of just hooking up.
I’ve never used a dating app, it’s not my cup of tea having sex with strangers.
It is rude to stare while people are looking. People are naturally going to avoid being caught doing that.
I’m sorry to hear that dating has been hard for you in real life as well as online.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
October 7, 2024 at 8:48 am #438565PrudenceParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>[quote quote=438537]Years later, I realized that I wouldn’t know if they looked at me or not, because in their presence, whenever there was a chance that they may look at me, I reacted by looking away, avoiding the possibility of eye contact (I was too shy). On their end, the teenage boys, if they see a girl looking away, they assume she is not interested. On the other hand, if they see a girl looking at them, making eye contact and smiling, talking or behaving flirtatiously.. that’s an invitation to be approached. I think that this is true in regard to being approached at any age, not just teenage. anita[/quote]</p>
Hi, Anita. Thank you for your contribution. I’d be lying if I said I don’t try to avoid seeking the attention of potential suitors when going out. I just feel that after so much time expecting and getting nothing, it’s not worth it anymore. Also, I feel like when it comes to other girls, men make an effort to get their attention when they’re interested, but they only ignore me. For example, I don’t see other girls flirting as often (at least not intentionally), and yet there is always someone interested in them, to the point that they are surprised or even annoyed by so many unintentional suitors.[quote quote=438539]I don’t agree that going on dates is necessarily common these days. Going on dates is more for people who are actively boyfriend and girlfriend. Dating culture these days is centred around hooking up without being officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It is actually harder to find someone who does want to date officially[/quote]
Hi, Helcat! You’re absolutely correct. By the way, I’m from Brazil, and even here, I feel that most people today go out without any commitment. Still, it’s not uncommon for me to hear girls my age, older, and even younger talking about being invited on dates by men that are really interested in them (although some of them are only interested in hookups). Although I’m not interested in going out just for casual encounters, I still feel it would be nice to be invited sometimes, as my invisibility to men makes me feel inferior to other women.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>[quote quote=438539]Namely, parties. Do you go to many parties? Approaches there will be people trying to hook up. Otherwise, it generally takes a while for people to express an interest. Do you have many single male friends? […] When I say that dating is difficult these days. I mean it. It took a long time for me to find someone who actually wanted to officially date instead of just hooking up.[/quote]</p>
I don’t usually go to parties. In fact, I’ve never been to one. I also don’t have male friends. In my experience, I don’t feel that most people (especially men) are open to making friends with me. I can’t deny that I’m a shy and closed-off person; I believe that affects me, but I’m not sure if it’s enough to be constantly invisible without generating any kind of attraction in someone, especially since I see other shy and introverted people being successful sometimes.I hadn’t really reflected on how the dating scene is generally difficult these days. I agree with you that our current culture encourages casual relationships much more, making it harder to find someone serious. I feel that my biggest difficulty is getting any kind of initial connection that would allow me to start that journey, even if it ended up failing.
My first kiss, for example, only happened when I was 22 with someone I met online. I feel that if that hadn’t occurred (meeting that person online), I still wouldn’t have kissed anyone, because in the real world, I can’t make any kind of approach. Because of that, I tried online dating again, but as I mentioned in my first post, I failed, and it seems like it’s because of my looks, which made me feel a lot more insecure.
October 7, 2024 at 10:13 am #438567anitaParticipantDear Prudence:
You are welcome!
“I’d be lying if I said I don’t try to avoid seeking the attention of potential suitors when going out“- so, you do try to avoid seeking the attention of potential suitors when going out.. and you are successful at it.
“I don’t see other girls flirting as often“- so, other girls do flirt.
“my invisibility to men makes me feel inferior to other women“- I know the feeling and I hope that you will not be feeling this way for long.
“I can’t deny that I’m a shy and closed-off person“- you may find it interesting to read an article by Manhattan cbt. com/ shy-dating(part quote): “if you’re shy and trying to date, it can feel impossible!… It’s particularly helpful to keep an eye on the harmful aspects of shyness that can make dating extra tough, such as avoiding meeting people and avoiding people who might be interested in you… General Dating Tips for Shy People..”
“I see other shy and introverted people being successful sometimes“- there are almost cases that are exceptions to the rule, always people who succeed in areas you don’t, and people who fail in areas you succeed.
anita
October 8, 2024 at 3:48 am #438584HelcatParticipantHi Prudence
It might interest you to know that in person I have only been approached by two guys that I haven’t been friends with. I rejected both of them one because of shyness and one because of an age difference.
A lot of people use the internet to date these days. Infact, it is primarily the method used nowadays. So I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.
It is good to hear that you did have some success dating online! Congratulations on having your first kiss. 😊
In person everyone I have dated I have either met at parties and become friends with or simply just been friends with.
Online I have met 3 partners not through dating apps.
I think the difficulty of being friends with someone is there might be a limited pool locally. Whereas online there is a much larger variety of people.
I think that a lot of people flirt privately, not in front of other people. That is mostly what I did. You are not really getting a picture of what people do privately.
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with shyness. I think that primarily shyness is likely to be the cause of the difficulties dating.
I have known people who aren’t classically beautiful by a long shot have a lot of success dating because they are very outgoing.
A crass way to put it is how do you think unattractive people are born? They have unattractive parents that um you know…
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
October 8, 2024 at 10:19 am #438601RobertaParticipantDear Prudence
What things do you do that brings you joy? ie if you like painting join an art club or art classes this way you will gain confidence in socializing as you will already have something in common this also goes for volunteering for something that you are interested in.
As your world expands you will meet people who hold the some of the same interests & ideals and this will increase your chances of finding a date.
Good luck
Roberta
-
AuthorPosts