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Don't Know What Else I Can Say

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  • January 7, 2016 at 2:41 pm #91723
    Gilliam
    Participant

    I recently met up with a woman who was my first Love when we were teenagers. It was right after high school and I was already out on my own and she moved out on her own too. Lasted a couple of years before it ended. But the memories I have of that first Love mean so much to me now all these years later. The meet up went very well and we talked like old friends in a very unguarded and open way. I felt an incredible sense of inner peace afterwards. We enjoyed texting back and forth for the next few days. It was wonderful! But did not last long…. you see, I am married and very lonely in the Love department. Love left the building years ago in my marriage. I have never cheated but felt I needed to make a connection with someone who meant so much to me. I’m glad I did. It was a great experience. She ended up telling me that as long as there is still a spark between us she feels she cannot be my friend anymore which deeply saddens me. Mainly because we always remained friends after the break up.
    So I’m feeling very sad for the loss of a long time friend and wondering now if I should have just kept my feelings all inside.
    Here is something I wrote about the way I feel:

    Don’t know what else I can say
    I really messed it up today
    Shoulda kept my feelings all inside

    Emotions got the best of me
    I ruined it with honesty
    Now I got no place to hide

    My feelings all locked up for years
    Safe, well guarded by my fear
    And I’m the fool who let ’em show
    Now I have to let her go

    It’s my fault I knew the risk
    Opened myself up to this
    Now I lost a long time friend

    The friendship meant so much to me
    But I just couldn’t let it be
    Now I’m on the losing end

    All my feelings gone away
    Finally saw the light of day
    All one sided so it seems
    All alone now with my dream

    I go back deep inside myself
    Don’t try and nurse me back to health
    Don’t know what came over me

    My feelings really haven’t changed
    I don’t think it’s all that strange
    To express them to someone you Love

    That someone may not feel the same
    I Love her that’s not gonna change
    And I won’t ever be ashamed
    Of Love

    January 8, 2016 at 7:42 pm #91840
    Will Moss
    Participant

    Never ever apologize for being honest! It’s the one thing that everyone should always strive for.
    You both still love each other, right? Maybe it’s good to talk to each other about why your relationship ended.
    Can I ask why you haven’t left your current marriage if there’s no more love in it?
    And can I ask why there is not more love in it? Maybe it’s time to be honest in that relationship first before you go seeking love somewhere else, you loved your current partner at some point, how did this fade, what can you and your partner do to make that spark heat up again?

    January 9, 2016 at 8:30 am #91876
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gilliam:

    Nice poem, some good lines there! I want to join Will Moss in asking about your current marriage and add: are there children involved? If you would like to share about it, examine it further… please do post again!

    anita

    January 14, 2016 at 12:42 am #92488
    Gilliam
    Participant

    I don’t leave my current marriage because of my children. That’s the reason.
    I am married to a person who has become inflexible and shows me very little respect but I put up with it and push back when appropriate. We don’t really have big fights or arguments. It’s really passive aggressive.
    She is a good Mother to the children and I do appreciate that but there is nothing left between us.
    I have no desire for her because of the level of disrespect. I have told her that she really hurts the relationship with her soul crushing resentment.

    BTW< I put those words to music… https://gilsmusic.bandcamp.com/track/dont-know-what-else

    January 14, 2016 at 8:30 am #92496
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gilliam:

    It is understandable why you don’t feel love for your wife. You sound reasonable: you told your wife that she is hurting you and her relationship with her “soul crushing resentment” (You are a poet!)

    You believe that she is a good mother and you see to it that there are no “big fights or arguments”

    To clarify, if you will, and I am asking because I hope to be of some help to you,

    What makes you believe that your wife is a good mother: what is she doing that is good mothering?

    Also, when you wrote that you don’t have BIG fights or arguments, what kind of LITTLE fights and arguments do you have? Are the children witnesses to those little fights and arguments? When your wife is passive aggressive toward you, is it possible they notice that?

    And is your wife passive aggressive with anyone else? With the children?

    anita

    January 14, 2016 at 8:31 am #92497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Correction: You told your wife that she is hurting you and your relationship with her…

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