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Tommy.
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October 18, 2023 at 2:14 am #423515
SarikaParticipantAt 40 years old, I find myself facing a predicament. To provide some context, my early years were quite ordinary until I reached the age of 10. It was around this time that I came to the realization that my parents never celebrated my birthday, which was in stark contrast to the experiences of other children my age. This revelation had a profound impact on me, and by the age of 9 or 10, I began resorting to theft within my own home and fabricating elaborate stories about myself. Unfortunately, my actions eventually caught up with me, and I was caught in the act. In response, my father resorted to physical punishment and severed all ties with me for the rest of his life. Instead of seeking resolution, he distanced himself from me and adopted a controlling demeanor.
As I grew older and started working, my father assumed control over my finances. He not only prevented me from developing my own personality but also eroded my self-confidence through constant insults and humiliation. When I began earning, he continued to manage my money, providing me with only what I needed for basic expenses while making investment decisions on my behalf.
He also arranged my marriage to a person of his choosing, a union hastily confirmed after just one meeting. Unfortunately, this marriage eventually ended due to dowry demands. After the divorce, he left me feeling worthless, insisting that my life was over. He continued to present me with subpar marriage proposals, expecting me to compromise, all while maintaining a demeaning tone he had used since I was ten years old.
Frustrated with this situation, I became involved with a co-worker, which initially started as a casual relationship but later blossomed into a marriage. However, I faced challenges with conceiving after the wedding. My father, in a rare gesture, offered to pay for in vitro fertilization (IVF), which, despite two attempts, has not been successful.
The controlling behavior and constant belittlement from my father have greatly impacted my self-esteem throughout my life. I am now in need of a fresh perspective and guidance on how to navigate these challenges.
October 18, 2023 at 2:15 am #423516SarikaParticipantAt 40 years old, I find myself facing a predicament. To provide some context, my early years were quite ordinary until I reached the age of 10. It was around this time that I came to the realization that my parents never celebrated my birthday, which was in stark contrast to the experiences of other children my age. This revelation had a profound impact on me, and by the age of 9 or 10, I began resorting to theft within my own home and fabricating elaborate stories about myself. Unfortunately, my actions eventually caught up with me, and I was caught in the act. In response, my father resorted to physical punishment and severed all ties with me for the rest of his life. Instead of seeking resolution, he distanced himself from me and adopted a controlling demeanor.
As I grew older and started working, my father assumed control over my finances. He not only prevented me from developing my own personality but also eroded my self-confidence through constant insults and humiliation. When I began earning, he continued to manage my money, providing me with only what I needed for basic expenses while making investment decisions on my behalf.
He also arranged my marriage to a person of his choosing, a union hastily confirmed after just one meeting. Unfortunately, this marriage eventually ended due to dowry demands. After the divorce, he left me feeling worthless, insisting that my life was over. He continued to present me with subpar marriage proposals, expecting me to compromise, all while maintaining a demeaning tone he had used since I was ten years old.
Frustrated with this situation, I became involved with a co-worker, which initially started as a casual relationship but later blossomed into a marriage. However, I faced challenges with conceiving after the wedding. My father, in a rare gesture, offered to pay for in vitro fertilization (IVF), which, despite two attempts, has not been successful.
The controlling behavior and constant belittlement from my father have greatly impacted my self-esteem throughout my life. I am now in need of a fresh perspective and guidance on how to navigate these challenges.
October 18, 2023 at 2:16 pm #423531
anitaParticipantDear Sarika:
Welcome back to the forums; we communicated for a short time back in March 2018,, more than 5.5 years ago.
I am sad to read how rude and cruel your father has been to you for so long, and that he had such control over your life
“I reached the age of 10… I came to the realization that my parents never celebrated my birthday, which was in stark contrast to the experiences of other children my age… and by the age of 9 or 10, I began resorting to theft within my own home and fabricating elaborate stories about myself“- I am guessing that not being GIVEN birthday parties and gifts.. you GAVE yourself whatever you could get your hands on (stealing) and fabricating stories, as in making-believe that your life story was better than it was.
“As I grew older and started working, my father assumed control… When I began earning, he continued to manage my money, providing me with only what I needed for basic expenses while making investment decisions on my behalf… The controlling behavior and constant belittlement from my father have greatly impacted my self-esteem throughout my life. I am now in need of a fresh perspective and guidance on how to navigate these challenges“-
– before I reply further, can you tell me about your current marriage (CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS): if it’s a good marriage? And does your father still control your- your husband’s finances.. ? What role otherwise does he play in your life now?
anita
October 18, 2023 at 10:39 pm #423543SarikaParticipantThank you for taking the time to listen. To be completely honest, I never wanted to enter into a second marriage, but I lacked the courage to express my feelings to my father due to his dominating nature. Consequently, I married my current spouse, thinking that at least he was a familiar “devil.” Unfortunately, this marriage is far from smooth due to various issues, including a difficult mother-in-law and three overbearing sisters-in-law. It’s become evident that this pattern in my life continues, where individuals similar to my father emerge when I try to distance myself from him. In both marriages, my mother-in-law has mirrored his behavior. Furthermore, my husband is unwilling to support me financially in matters related to IVF, which is taking a toll on my finances. In my view, if it’s a marriage, responsibilities should be shared equally. At this point, it feels like things are heading nowhere.
October 19, 2023 at 7:27 am #423546anitaParticipantDear Sarika:
About your father: “He.. eroded my self-confidence through constant insults and humiliation… manage my money… all while maintaining a demeaning tone he had used since I was ten years old… controlling behavior and constant belittlement”
About your new family: “a difficult mother-in-law and three overbearing sisters-in-law… individuals similar to my father… my mother-in-law has mirrored his behavior. Furthermore, my husband is unwilling to support me financially in matters related to IVF”
“I am now in need of a fresh perspective and guidance on how to navigate these challenges”-
– I can’t think of any other perspective than to set yourself FREE from all of then: to no longer pursue IVF, to take control over your money and move out of your marital home; to have no contact with your father or with the individuals in your new family.
I am using the word family loosely here: family is supposed to be a place of safety, support.. a place of love. If you leave your family, you leave behind not love, but subjugation.
“Don’t know what to do” is the title of your thread. Is leaving them all possible for you, is it practically possible and is it something that you want to do?
anita
October 19, 2023 at 8:27 am #423551SarikaParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes, I truly desire to leave, but my confidence wavers as I’m now 40, trapped in a stagnant career. I fear that if I break free, financial stability may elude me. Emotionally, I believe I can endure, but my self-esteem has suffered due to my father’s restrictions on my growth and job changes.</p>
October 19, 2023 at 8:35 am #423552anitaParticipantDear Sarika:
“Yes, I truly desire to leave, but… I fear“-
-It’s desire vs fear: the desire to be free from abuse vs the fear of .. can you define your fear by completing this sentence: I am afraid that _______________
“Yes, I truly desire to leave, but… I fear… Emotionally, I believe I can endure, but”-
-Can you complete this sentence: I can endure the following: ______________________…?
anita
October 19, 2023 at 9:14 am #423553SarikaParticipantI fear that if I were to walk away and lose my job with no income source, I’d end up in a precarious situation.
And endure –
I can live alone and stay emotionally stable.
October 19, 2023 at 9:19 am #423554anitaParticipantDear Sarika:
“I fear that if I were to walk away and lose my job with no income source, I’d end up in a precarious situation“- can you plan first and then walk away, with a reasonable financial plan in hand, with enough cash and with a job ready elsewhere?
“And endure – I can live alone and stay emotionally stable“- then you can move far, far away from where you are now..?
anita
October 19, 2023 at 9:23 am #423555SarikaParticipantI lack confidence in my financial future due to my upbringing; my father’s constant insults and humiliation hindered my personal development, affecting my career. I never explored opportunities or left my comfort zone.
On the other hand, I am entirely comfortable with the idea of walking away. I have no emotional attachments whatsoever.
October 19, 2023 at 10:03 am #423556anitaParticipantDear Sarika:
I lack confidence in my financial future as well, and in the future in general. Question is, do I (do you) surrender to fear, going belly up; or do I stand up and do what is possible and sensible for me to do, in the circumstances I am in.
“I never explored opportunities or left my comfort zone“-
– it is interesting how…”constant insults and humiliation… … controlling behavior and constant belittlement” become part of a comfort zone, isn’t it?
I mean, I know these are not comfortable but when you grow up with these, having no escape, no choice.. the human mind adjusts best it can.. getting used to it.
anita
November 27, 2023 at 10:30 am #425627
ArnoParticipantHi Sarika,
It must be difficult dragging this father’s behaviour and history with you.
I recognise some of this and what helped me is to practise to forgive genuinely by becoming aware that even a parent might not be very experienced or capable of doing the best in raising children, but might think they are doing the best for them.
Forgiving can be a first step to clean up a bit.
The other thing that comes to mind, regardless of inconvenient or challenging results….do what’s right no matter what. Your intuition will tell you.
Take care,
Arno
November 29, 2023 at 6:28 pm #425708
TommyParticipantSounds sort of like culture of west Asians where the female children are treated worse than their male counterpart. Humiliation and insults are used to control the mind of the child. To always depend upon the parents (father). Matrimonial dowry is part of the culture. And the if the female doesn’t bring enough to satisfy the man and his family then the woman is treated even worse. I am sorry if I am wrong for what I say may hurt you.
In order to escape this constant cycle of being belittled and depending upon your father, one must free oneself from the trappings of the culture. Take your money back. Keep your wages to yourself. If asked for it then say the company is cutting back and cutting salary. That you are lucky to keep your job. I the job is too connected to your father then find a different j0b. You have to find it within yourself to see a problem and then know there is a way to conquer it. This comes from practice. You pick something and work thru it until you are on top and winning. When you have accomplished several victories, you will know when you can move away from this poisonous condition and free yourself.
I am not telling you to do anything illegal or to fight. Just to take control of your life. Find it in yourself to be the courage you need to move forward. Otherwise find a way to be happy living in the same situation. I do not know where in the world you live. So, I do not know if there is help for you. May be government help? Or community help? I wish you the best. Good luck.
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