Dear Jenny,

I am late to your thread and have been trying to catch up. I am glad you’re in a better place now than you’ve been before. You’ve had a very productive discussion with Anita, and now many things are clearer to you, and you feel much better about yourself. But there’s still something troubling you, as you say: you’re almost missing his calls now that you’ve changed your number. You feel rejected all over again (it’s as if he left me all over again). You’re surprised that he isn’t trying something to reach you (now I am wondering why is he not doing something to reach out), and you’re a little disappointed, or sad, that he might be moving on.

In February 2021, you said to Anita:

What I definitely did want was for him to see that I am not the needy clingy woman that he thought me to be when he left. I wanted him to see that I am one High Value woman that HE LOST. I wanted him to feel a sense of LOSING a girl who really loved him and was special.

When Anita asked you if you don’t feel worthy enough, you said you do – you do feel worthy to your parents, to your friends and co-workers, but it’s just this one man that humiliated you and took all of your pride.

In many of your posts, you were actually stressing how valuable and special you are, but that he refused to acknowledge it. That’s why you felt angry and offended at him. You were specially offended that he called you a child:

“I feel so insulted when I remember he said that I am a child. I can imagine him thinking he was right about me and that I am just an immature girl which I am not Anita. He has the audacity to behave whichever way and then why I have one slip-up he has the audacity to pass such statements on me. I am just insulted Anita, feel just very insulted by someone who should’ve by now been regretting losing me instead of calling me a child.”

“I mean he has made me feel like such an argumentative, crying, weak woman. And now he’s calling me a child as if I am some immature person that needs growing up.”

You also said, in one of your earlier posts: But my biggest fear is that tomorrow I’ll see him have a perfect life with another girl and it will reiterate that I was the one who was at fault.

Based on what you’ve expressed, it seems to me that you do have self-respect and value yourself, however you didn’t get that respect from your mother. She was criticizing you for slouching, and you would protest: “you can’t talk to me like that.” You demanded respect from your mother, and would argue about it with her (you said you were rude, to match her rudeness), but you never got her respect. You didn’t get respect from your father either because he never stood in your defense, but your main wound is with your mother. She treated you like an immature child, while you wanted to be treated respectfully, like an adult. (I wonder if there were other ways in which she criticized you or where you felt humiliated, beside slouching?)

I believe that you do value yourself, but you wish she’d value you too. And that desire – to be valued and respected – you transferred to your boyfriend. There’s still a part of you – the wounded inner child – where you aren’t sure that you’re worthy, because you didn’t get your parents’ (specially your mother’s) confirmation. You think you are, but you’re not sure. That’s why you said your biggest fear is that it would turn out that you were the one who was at fault, and that there’s nothing wrong with him. That’s your inner child insecure of its worth. It has to have it confirmed by other people.

You found a man who reminds you in some aspects of your mother, and you were trying to get his confirmation. But instead, he humiliated you most of the time. You would beg him to show you some respect, but to no avail. He would be even more cruel. He didn’t want to give you that one thing that you craved so much: the confirmation that you’re valuable and special.

What’s the way out? To understand with your entire being that indeed, you are valuable and special. To give that confirmation to your inner child, and not expect it from other people. I believe this is what’s missing for you to heal and really let go of him.

Tell me what you think and if it resonates with you.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.

Dear Jenny,

good to read from you! I am glad you’re doing good, not obsessing about him, and instead, focusing on your own life, doing things you enjoy, such as singing. It seems you’re much more in control of your life and able to regulate your emotions, and this gives you a sense of power and peace. That’s great!

Regarding your self-esteem, now that I think about it again, it could be that what you had was self-confidence – in that you saw yourself as successful in other areas of your life, such as career and friends, and you felt pretty good about yourself because of that. But deep down, you probably did lack self-esteem, because that’s a core characteristic that is formed in our relationship with our parents. If you haven’t felt special and valued by your parents, if you were criticized a lot, your self-esteem couldn’t have developed properly.

Self-esteem runs deeper than self-confidence. It’s that deep sense of worth, a sense that we’re valuable, just because we exist. It doesn’t depend on any outer achievement. It could be that deep down you did lack self-esteem, and needed your mother (i.e. your boyfriend) to give it to you – to tell you and show you that indeed, you are special to him. That was your inner child desperate for validation. The way out is what I said earlier – to see yourself as valuable and special, and not expect validation from other people, including romantic partners.

How is your own sense of worth at the moment? Do you see yourself as valuable and special – not because of any outer accomplishment but just because?