February 19, 2017 at 3:36 pm #128385
Spoiler: it mentions drug use. English is not my mother language.
I am 38, maried, got two kids, and I run the police station of a small town where I live for 4 years now. So I m known in town. Ok, last friday (2/17) I went to a party, it was ok, and when I was about to leave, a stunning young girl arrived. It made me stay in the party and I ended drinking a lot. The worse, later some ppl started to use marijuana and I took it once. I am very sad and worried, because my job is at risk, my reputation is shaked, but the worse of all, I m disappointed with myself. I talked to the girl, but when she noticed my wasted state, she dumped me quickly.
Now I m feeling horrible, cant eat, cant sleep, I dont have peace, even though of killing myself. I might move from this town. Help.February 19, 2017 at 4:18 pm #128403
Because it is a small town and people have observed your behavior: drinking too much alcohol, using marijuana and flirting with a woman who is not your wife, a behavior not suiting a married man and the town police officer, do you think it is a good idea for you to make a PUBLIC STATEMENT to the town people, acknowledging your inappropriate behavior, apologizing for it, and declaring your full intent to not repeat any of these three behaviors?
In the U.S., public officials often … misbehave, then apologize publically, making an apologetic public announcements and are surprisingly forgiven by the public and are ever re-elected to their position, again and again.
I wouldn’t recommend it to a person who has done terrible things, but the three things you did, in my opinion, are not enough for you to quit your job, to leave town, or worse. Every person in the world makes mistakes sometimes. In your case, all three happened at one time in one place, one leading to the other.
Forgive yourself and if it is a good idea, make a public announcement and apologize to the public you serve. You can state that you will no longer attend private parties, so to avoid such mistakes in the future.
The public statement, if you make it, needs not be long. If you want, compose it here and I can give you my input on it.
* Will be back in a couple of hours.
anitaFebruary 20, 2017 at 10:06 am #128523
It is good that you have opened up about what happened at the party and it is clear to anyone that reads your post that you deeply regret your actions.
From reading your post it seems that the way you acted was out of character and not how you would normally behave, either way the only thing you can do now is move forward and move on. You mentioned you are married and have a family, hence it seems like nothing happened at the party that would pose a risk to any of these. Alcohol can make monsters out of decent people and can test relationships which might otherwise be stable.
In your case, it is important to recognise a. the fact that this could have been worse to your marriage and b. potentially lead to breaking up what can be cultivated as a good family but it seems like this was avoided.
Making amends is what you can focus on. You have to motivate yourself to see how the situation could have played out and what you can still do to save your image as a public figure and gain back the trust of people around you that may depend on you. This isn’t going to be an overnight process so it is important for you to bear with time and let your future actions speak for you.
Your ego is telling you that you should feel horrible, you should think about taking your life but you have to believe that this is all a result of your mind over analysing and causing paranoia. This is all the result of your ego clinging on to the image projected in your mind. People around you will quickly move on and look to focus on the next problem or point of interest to talk about and what seems like an impossible situation will pass and lose its effect as times passes, remember it is not permanent.
If you decide to publicly denounce your actions, which I think is a strong suggestion, then you have to act on making a positive change and after forgiving yourself, move forward and prove you willingness to change, so if your weakness is alcohol and ‘chasing’ other women then you have to tackle these issues individually and realise how they may cause your downfall and also the consequences may force on your loved ones. There is so much motivation to be learnt and your experiences can teach you and others valuable lessons.
I know of several stories where people have fallen to tragic circumstances and have not had the chance to realise their actions, you have realised this and just need to make that step in the right direction which you are capable of.
I hope this helps you see things from a different opinion and from the outside looking in what I can say is that human beings make mistakes, it is our nature, but we also have the ability to think outside the box and change and this should be your focus.February 20, 2017 at 5:34 pm #128561
Thank you for the answers, I couldn’t get better help.
Today I made a drug test, both by hair and urine, so I will know if what I did counts as using drug.
I will think about going public, but it might make things worse, I live in a third world country, people wont understand, probably the judge and the prosecutor would ask to the state to move me from here, which I want, but not like this, being banned.
I still cant eat, sleep, or rest, since my mind is looping that awful moment. I just cant forgive myself. Sleep is being hard, since I wake up all the time, shaking and scared.
Just telling, I am a right person, never took a bribe or did anything wrong at my job, I do the best I can with the resources I have.
Now I do know I must stop drinking, and chasing woman, which wont be easy task.
Again I thank you Anita and NJ for the time and effort you are giving freely to the ones in need. NJ I read your post for several times, it made me feel better, thank you!February 20, 2017 at 6:28 pm #128571
You are welcome. I hope you survive this difficult time, and come out better for it. Hope you eat, rest and sleep well.
February 21, 2017 at 6:56 am #128655
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.
You are welcome, getting an outside view helps you realise that things could have been worse and that you will move past this, it is only a temporary sensation.
Take care and take it one day at a time, the mind will still if you train it to.
NJMarch 14, 2017 at 11:20 am #139453
I just would like to share that I didnt drink anymore since that awful evening.
I took the drug test results and it was negative for all drugs in the past 90 days.
So when I was getting normal, a weak ago my police department was robbed and I had panic attacks. Went to a doctor who gave me pills to sleep, still feeling bad.
Also I want to divorce, but I strugle to stay together for my kids.March 14, 2017 at 8:35 pm #139543
Glad you are back to your thread. Congratulations for not drinking since that evening of 2/17, almost a month ago. The robbery- what a development.
Why is it that you want a divorce- how is the relationship between you and your wife?
anitaMarch 15, 2017 at 10:50 am #139617
Thank you for your time, reading this post and replying to it, feels good to know I m not alone.
Regarding the robbery, now I m working on the warrants, so I can arrest them, at least for a while. The laws in my country does not work well, here crime pays.
I think it would be nice to be single again, so I could “chase woman” without being guilty, and after 13 years together, my relationship has got cold, BUT I know shes a great person, still looks attractive, and she has forgotten my faults, I think I better stay with her.
Wish the best to you all!March 15, 2017 at 12:07 pm #139659
You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes. Reads to me that your marriage is worth staying in. It may be fun to chase women without feeling guilty but if you chase the wrong woman and “catch her”- that will work badly for you, no matter how much fun the chase was.