This is going to sound desperate but I could really use some help. I met my American boyfriend in my country and since the beginning I was aware he was depressed for several years (and also sexually abused by his brother). I fell in love so deeply I asked him to marry me so he could stay in my country. He was always scared of how things were moving fast but we never knew what could happen since his life has gone on slow mode for longer than it was supposed to. He didn’t have a job, a house, literally anything. I had him and paid for whatever I could but he still struggled being in a relationship with me. When I started to let him go, he would always come back.

He eventually went back to the States. We managed to be in a long distance relationship while he was looking for a job. Despite the insecure people that we were, it felt we were falling in love even fonder. After 2 months that he left, I took my backpack and landed in American territory to see him and meet his family. Everything went fine until he dropped me at the airport saying I didn’t take care of myself (meaning I was fat). Back to my country in tears, he apologized and made me believe he just wanted me to be healthy so we could have a longer life. Time passed and I was still hurt, so the fights kept coming. He got a job as an intern and was heading his way to his 30th birthday. I helped him all along including what he was supposed to say during the job interview. Jealousy took over when we both agreed that his boss was all over him. I was always upfront about my insecurities and that I’m a jealous person, I wanted to be honest with him since the beginning because I truly believe that accepting your worst is a way to healing, and I did for some time with him until he made sure that I wasn’t his type, demanding in sutil ways that I should lose weight – I’m 5’1″ and when I met him I was 119. I did lose weight and became a lot more active (which was okay to me because I always wanted that lifestyle). I started climbing, biking, hitting the gym. Even though I didn’t have any muscles at all, now I am 94 pounds and very happy and healthier.

He turned 30 and I managed to buy a last-minute flight ticket to surprise him. I knocked on his door and we were the happiest we’ve ever been. I made sure he had his first birthday party and invited friends and family. He felt so loved he finally said “when do we get married?”. But until then, he had no job security and was also going back to weed – hardcore. Back to my country, we had to make a decision. Long distance relationship was not on the table, a sponsorship was almost impossible for me and we only had a chance in New Zealand (where I managed to get a Visa prior to meeting him). NZ was soon off the table since he was doing fine at work. After several tense days and months, we decided to give it a try: I left my job, my house, I donated EVERYTHING I had and moved in with him. Because he couldn’t take pressure so well, I told him I would go to New Zealand first and make sure to validate my Visa in case things didn’t end well between us. He felt hurt at first because I contemplated he wouldn’t take care of me and abandon me with no plan B. I finally moved in with him and we were waiting his internship to become a full-time employment so we could marry each other and live happily ever after.

Things did not go well. Because I had nothing to do, I was now the one deeply depressed. Not only depressed, I was feeling trapped in a situation where I thought wouldn’t become a marriage. Because I was in the country as a tourist, I couldn’t work. I couldn’t drive for the longest time (and we were not living in a place like NYC). I didn’t have freedom at all to be who I am and couldn’t even invest on studying, going out, working out because I needed to save the rest of the money that was left with me. I just became a vegetable, a zombie, lost in sadness and screaming for freedom. He knew we only had one choice and when the time came and even his family interfered, he said he couldn’t do it. From that point on, we would go on and off every single day. I couldn’t fly anywhere without his financial support (that we agree he would help because I did my part investing as well when he didn’t have a job – and even when he had). I found out he was on Tinder ever since we met. And more and more lies would surface little by little. He wanted to marry me as friends but wanted to keep it a secret from everybody else (including his coworkers). He also couldn’t think of the possibility of me going out with other guys. He wanted to make things right but didn’t know how to fix it. It was clear once again that I couldn’t give him what he wanted: he wanted fake boobs, pierced nipples, big butt, nails done, daily dirty sex, different hairstyle, that I should love one sport at least, that I stopped being an “old lady”. He wanted someone active – even though he would spend the whole weekend getting drunk, watching TV shows and playing video games. But he wanted me to be a princess, a lady, and a total slut whenever he wanted on a daily basis.

When I finally purchased my tickets, I called him to say I was leaving for good. He always asked me not to leave without telling him or while he was at work. He left his job immediately and I asked him to take me to a lake I always wanted to go (but he always said no). It was cold but sunny. We cried our hearts out. He said he understood how much effort I put into the relationship, how I did everything for us and how little he offered me back. He said he breaks the hearts of the people who love him but he now wanted to change that. Because of his abuse, he finds it hard to love without anger and pain. He then fell on one knee and proposed to me right there. Took me to the courthouse and we signed the marriage license. We rushed home, had a wonderful end of the day. I dressed up in my 18-dollar white dress and we headed to his family to surprise them (the uncle and aunt who gave us all the support). I still have the pictures and I think we looked happy.

Next day, he woke me up in a loving way, calling me wifey and Mrs. He asked me several times to cancel my flight tickest because I was supposed to fly the same day. I said I didn’t want a party for the ceremony, because of all the stress we went through, that moment should be ours and only. I arranged someone to make it official and it was going to be me, him and the judge by the same lake. He agreed with a happy face, also relieved I wouldn’t put him under even more stress of sharing vows in front of our big family. By the end of the day, he got depressed and started provoking with situations that would get me upset. When he noticed he was failing, he then started liking pictures of hot girls on Instagram on purpose. I confronted him calmly, saying that behavior didn’t match the magical moment we had the day before. He then said he wasn’t happy with me, he couldn’t fake it or force it anymore. I went over his phone and he had print screens from Tinder with women wanting explicit sex. He tried to convince me he was sending them to his best friend and I said he was lying because all he did send to his best friend was the most absurd awful things about me and how I am a bad bitch.

I left the same day. Half of my things are still in the house that I decorated myself, that made it look like a home. I couldn’t make it no NZ anymore due to little money. He didn’t help me financially like he said he would. I’m back living with my mom (I’ve been independent for 10 years). I lost my chance of going to NZ. Within a week, it was my 30th birthday and he never contacted me.

It’s Christmas, I’m miserable. I have no friends in town (it’s been 10 years since I left). I have no money at all and my mom (the strongest woman I know) is heartbroken watching me die alive. My friends are supportive but I can’t put this pressure on them as well. I lost everything and I don’t know what to do: and how is it possible that I miss him so much? How is it possible that I want him back? How can I move on like this?

I need help. I really do. I’m also not American so I don’t know how American guys deal with all this. I’m still hoping he will come back but after 3 weeks, I don’t think he will. Did he ever love me? Was I so blind?