dumped for someone else.. i'm dying.

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by toto.

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October 17, 2014 at 3:45 pm #66398

David
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I’ve been in touch with that girl since January.I know her from my university. It was very difficult period of time for both of us. We were suffering heartbreak, as we both got rejected by our crushes. As time passed by, we started givin each other more and more attention and flirting. I noticed that she’s into me, very much! We were giving each other a lot of compassion, tenderness,understanding and attention (chatting for 2-3 hours a day). We were healing each other so effectively that we fall for each other. We were compatibile at everything: emotional life, tastes and preferences, passions… We shared some intimate moments and everything indicated that we were headind in direction of happy relationship.

But then we faced a huge obstacle. I was going to South America for my volunteering project, and she was going to Europe for her internship. We were about to spend 9 months on totally different sides of the earth. She left by the end of May. I asked her whether she would like to be my girlfriend, but she said that we should make a decision after we come back. We kept being in touch and at the beginning everything was just like in home, but as the time passed by, she seemed to become distant. Meanwhile it turned out that for some reasons, my project was cancelled, and I was going to stay home. It meant that we will see each other 5 months earlier than I expected. But she was talking to me less and less. I was suspecting that she met someone new, especially taht one guy was posting frequent status updates with her, on facebook. It took her longer and longer to respond my messages. She stopped being flirty.

I didn’t want to appear clingy and needy (although I’m very insecure guy so I had a hard time playing it cool!!!) so I haven’t asked about that. Two weeks ago she returned home, but hasn’t spoke to me for entire week. Then she wrote to me, apologizing for not writting so long but she was “extremly busy” with organizing her life after coming back. I couldn’t pretend any longer… I asked her what’s going on, and she admitted that she met someone new and she’s with him.

I am devastated. Level of pain is totally unbearable. I said to her that I’m happy for her, then I cut all the contact, erased pictures from my telephone and her number from phone book. Then I went frenzy and devastated my room, then I cried so hard like never before in my life. I experience severe disorders like insomnia, loss of apetite, vomiting, lack of concetration. But worst of all is that haunting sense of hopelessness. There are days when I don’t feel anything. And I pray to God to kill me, because I’m literally losing my mind. I’ve never felt so broken before. I just wish I could close my eyes and never open them again.

And I feel so humiliated.. For 4 months, I was counting down seconds until our reunion and meanwhile she was occupied with building her feelings for someone else!!!! It didn’t happen overnight! Now I’m afraid that she might have lost her interest in me two or three months before and she didn’t even bothered to tell me, that she met soemeone new 🙁 I can’t stop torturing myself by imaging them cuddling, holding each other hands, kissing and maybe something more…

Please don’t tell me that I have to learn how to love myself first… I’m so terribly lonely and no amount of self love will replace the feeling I had when I was with her. The world never seemed so meaningless before.

October 18, 2014 at 1:52 am #66408

toto
Participant

I was in a similar situation years ago. The best thing you could have done was cutting contact with her. It’s hard, but you have no idea how much easier it will make it. Back then I wasn’t mature enough to stop contact with her. The result was that 3 years later I was still hurting for this girl, all the while trying to ignore the fact that she was with someone else (They eventually got married)

The person who I thought was the love of my life left me a month ago. This time I cut communication with her, and while it was hard as hell, you have no idea how much faster you will get over it. After a week I had lost the urge to contact her, and after 2 weeks I did not see her in my future anymore, and didn’t even bother questioning the past. Trust me, I’ve been where you are. Thought about putting a gun to my head. Weekends were a bit rough, I’d picture her going out with other men. You will learn to ignore it and not think about it. Once you accept that she is out of your life for good, the healing starts to happen. Be mad at her when the time comes, you have every right. I personally think it helps.
It does still hurt after a month, you’ll have the odd day where you wake up sad, but it’s mostly sadness from memories, and a little bit of loneliness. Hopelessness is gone. And it’s a hundred times more bearable than before.
Take it one day at a time. The days will pass and before you know it, weeks will pass.

October 18, 2014 at 8:35 am #66416

David
Participant

I feel so used 🙁 she needed someone to heal her broken heart and I gave her all of myself. And later, at first opportunity, she changed me for somebody else. And now she’s (at least as happy) as she was with me, and I am left all alone again, dying of gut-wrenching pain 🙁

I know that I should be happy it turned out this way, becouse her neediness could become even more troublesome as we would proceed in our relationship, but on the other hand, my own insecurities yearn somebody like her. I cannot even be angry at her. I still think of her as a poor, confused girl who got her mind messed up by some jerk 🙁

October 20, 2014 at 2:39 am #66500

butterfly
Participant

Helloooo…

I too faced the same situation.I felt so lonely ,ditched ,dumped and felt life is hell without him…all the dreams we dreamed together was broken … I felt i cannot move forward anymore in life..cried for days..tried calling him…convincing him…. but nothing worked… he was my best friend once still he couldn’t understand me…and when I came to know that he has started loving someone else from then I stopped bothering him,the last message I sent him was to GET LOST in huge bold letters.
from then I felt really better.to fill the gap he made I spent all my time with my best friends….involved more in work..talked more to my family and came to know how important I am to them..how much they all loved me…how they can never leave me alone..and then I started living more n more for myself and my dear ones….

Now I am happily married ..My family and I are happy….no regrets..I never think about past n get hurt.I don’t want to lose a milli second for anyone who doesn’t care for me.I hear his name and his stories from our common friends still I don’t feel anything.I have lost any feelings for him.

I love my husband a looooot… same way please understand there are many people who love u a lot ,to whom you mean everything..life is very beautiful.. if you don’t want to live for yourself there are so many less privileged people around us…you can try helping them …making their life beautiful…Live your life ..Noting is difficult…only u can change ur life and friends make it easy.

All the best ..be happy 🙂

October 20, 2014 at 3:06 pm #66523
David
Participant
toto and butterfly.. thank you for sharing your experience!

I was utterly devastated when I’ve heard that she loves somebody else, after I waited for her several months, but learning from my past experience with different girl, when I begged and pleaded A LOT, I decided to act differently. I said that I’m happy to hear that she’s doing great and I wish her best. Then I cut all contact with her.

I haven’t responded to her message, which she sent me last week (asking about my new job). Today she sent me another one which consisted of link to interview with some famous traveler (travelling is my passion)

I’m confused and I don’t know what should I do.

Does she:

1) Miss me and want me back?
2) Want to have me as her friend?
3) Want to get an ego boost? (learning that I’m still head over heels in love with her)
4) Feel guilty about dumping me and just want to make sure that I’m doing fine?

I feel that maintaing NC is the best thing to do, but on the other hand I love her so much and I don’t want her to think that I’m mad on her..

But also I don’t want to explain myself to her why I don’t want to talk with her… She’s fully aware of my feelings for her. During my last breakup I begged and pleaded and explained a lot and not only I didn’t change anything, but also felt guilty and ashamed for making a desperate wimp of myself.

Any thoughts? 🙁
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by David.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by David.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by David.
October 21, 2014 at 9:33 am #66574

pandapeach
Participant

Hi David,

Sorry to hear about the pain you are currently feeling. I think that it didn’t help that your adventure was cancelled so it seemed that she moved on with her life, got to experience a new culture, meet new people, and you didn’t. Is it possible to plan some kind of similiar project in the future? Even if you did get back together maybe you will be always wondering about this adventure that you didn’t have. Now that you are single and uncommitted it’s the perfect opportunity to travel abroad and open yourself up to new people.

With regards to your ex getting in contact again, I did the same when I broke up with my ex. I contacted him around 4 months breaking up with him. The main motivation was the guilt I felt for breaking up and realizing how deeply I felt for him (though I didn’t want to get back together with him). For some reason it took me a while for these feelings to hit me as I guess I was enjoying my new found freedom. The situation with your ex might be different. Anyway my ex told me that we couldn’t be friends. And that was that, we both moved on. Even if you got back together again, do you really think you could trust her? It wouldn’t be the same as it was before. I know it’s hard but like others say No contact is best strategy for you to move forward. It may not feel like it now, but the pain will lessen with time.

October 21, 2014 at 4:55 pm #66617

toto
Participant

Dave,

I’ve learned that no matter what people tell you, in this cases you will do what you feel is right for you. Only that in this state, we don’t think clearly enough. If she’s contacting you, she either feels guilty and she does care for you and wants the best for you, only not romantically. OR she sincerely wants to be friends. But think about yourself. The fastest way to get over this situation is through no contact. She has to respect your decision. She made a pretty big one that involved you as well and she never asked for your opinion.
Getting back together, i’m sorry but it’s very rare. My opinion is that it only happens with on and off relationships.

I can identify a lot with begging and pleading and then feeling ashamed. I did the same and wish I could take it back. In my eyes, when time passes and she thinks back to what we had, she will have lost some respect for me. You don’t have to explain anything to her really, just state the fact that you can’t be friends. Tell her maybe after some time, if you need to reassure yourself. Ultimately, you don’t even need to reply to her. if she’s mature enough, she will understand.

It’s been a little over a month for me, and even though it feels better, I still have a long way to go. I’m going through the same as you. Another man was involved, only I don’t know the details and every time I think about it, I feel it takes me back a few steps. If she was randomly texting me or sending me stuff, I don’t know where I’ll be right now. You need to get her to stop.
I still wake up every morning thinking about her, and I think that’s bad enough, but I know that will pass with time. Don’t get frustrated if you feel you can’t stop yourself from caring about her. But right now it’s important to care about yourself the most.

Courage!
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