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anita.
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May 30, 2025 at 11:35 am #446437
anitaParticipantEmotional Exploitation should never be a form of parenting, but unfortunately, some parents engage in it—often unknowingly or due to their own unresolved trauma. It happens when a child is manipulated, guilted, or pressured into fulfilling a parent’s emotional needs, rather than being nurtured and supported as an independent person.
Signs of Emotional Exploitation in Parenting:
* Parentification – Expecting a child to emotionally support the parent, acting as a confidant or caregiver instead of being cared for.
* Guilt-Based Control – Saying things like, “I sacrificed everything for you, so you owe me,” instead of allowing the child to make choices freely.
* Conditional Love – Making love and approval dependent on obedience or meeting the parent’s emotional needs.
* Overwhelming Expectations – Treating a child as a source of validation, rather than accepting their individuality- the child feels valued only when they succeed, rather than for who they are.
* Discouraging Independence – Making a child feel guilty for growing up, setting boundaries, or pursuing their own interests.
The Impact on the Child:
* Difficulty setting boundaries, Feeling responsible for others’ emotions, Struggles with self-worth & independence, Anxiety or guilt when prioritizing their own needs
Healthy parenting should be about guidance, protection, and love—not emotional dependence or manipulation.
If this topic resonates personally, dear reader, I’d be happy to explore ways to heal and set boundaries.
anita
May 30, 2025 at 1:41 pm #446444
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
*trigger warning*
I might have an odd perspective. I never minded looking after the household, my biological mother and brother, or my adopted sister. That isn’t what bothered me. I was doing that from the age of 4. I was used to it. I don’t mind if people have difficulties, what bothered me was the physical, verbal and sexual abuse.
That is not to say that some people aren’t damaged by parentification. They absolutely can be. The biggest loss for me was loss of my childhood. I think that is precious in itself and worth protecting. It is sad when children miss out on the opportunity to be children.
My mother wasn’t a very capable person. She was very much mentally ill and an alcoholic. She spent most of her time asleep, out of the house leaving us at home alone, drunk or was having some kind of episode.
As a child I quickly learned that I was more intelligent than her. She couldn’t teach us anything. She couldn’t help with homework. She liked puzzles, but had a lot of difficulty with them and asked me for help. She couldn’t write well. I taught my bio brother everything, helped him with his homework, helped my adopted sister with her homework.
For a while, I felt bad for my mother. That she was so ill. Over time I understood the damage that her abuse was causing and resented her. She wanted me to care about her self harming and suicide attempts. Beg her to stop. Cry. Relieve some of her guilt over how she was treating us. In the end, I reacted with indifference and even prayed that her attempts would be successful, so I could be free. I felt guilty for doing that.
May 30, 2025 at 10:52 pm #446445anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Your words carry such depth, honesty, and emotional weight. Thank you for sharing your experience—it’s raw, painful, and deeply important.
First, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it took to survive this. No child should ever have to bear the weight of an entire household, nor navigate the reality of abuse, neglect, and emotional entanglement while still trying to figure out who they are. You didn’t just endure—you protected, nurtured, and took on responsibilities far beyond what was fair. That speaks volumes about your resilience.
The way you describe your mother’s role—her illness, her dependence, her inability to care for you—highlights a devastating reversal. You were forced to be the adult in a situation where you should have been protected. The parentification, the emotional burden, and the manipulation left scars, but the deepest wound seems to be the loss of your own childhood.
The grief for what could have been—the innocence you deserved, the safety you needed—that’s something no child should have to mourn. And yet, you do. And that loss is valid.
Your shift from sympathy to resentment is completely understandable. At first, you tried to hold compassion for your mother’s suffering. Over time, you saw the cost of that compassion—how her self-destruction wasn’t just harming her, but was actively consuming you. That moment—the realization that you mattered too—was heartbreaking but necessary.
And I want to tell you this: feeling relief at the thought of escape does not make you cruel. It makes you human. You were trapped in a situation no child should ever experience, and wanting freedom—whether through distance, detachment, or even the unthinkable—was a survival instinct.
Healing from this is not just about processing the pain but also reclaiming the parts of yourself that were stolen—the childhood, the sense of self, the ability to be cared for instead of always caring for others. That takes time. It takes patience. It takes learning that you don’t have to carry everyone else’s burdens anymore.
You are not defined by what happened to you. You are someone who survived. Someone who is still here. Someone who deserves softness, safety, and peace.
Thank you for sharing. You are heard, and you are not alone. 💙
anita
May 31, 2025 at 2:37 pm #446455AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to get the feelings out, as well as for your kindness and support! ❤️
It helped me to let go of the flashbacks. They just stick in my head until I process the memories.
*trigger warning*
It was not easy taking care of my brother because my bio mother treat us both differently. It pit us against each other. I was not mature enough and I didn’t do a good enough job of taking care of him because we were always fighting especially when we got older. All I did was try to stop him from being beaten, try to feed him. It wasn’t enough. I suppose what do you expect a child living in that environment to do? I couldn’t really protect myself, let alone him. I just did the best I could. Then, I abandoned him when I got the chance to be free. I gave him my number and he never called or texted. He chose to go back and was alone with her. The last I heard about him he stalked his ex and she fled the country. It is a shame… I feel like I failed him.
I suppose without him being around to protect I would have killed myself when I was 7. I hope that he figures things out at some point.
Yes, that is true. At the time, it seemed like the only way out of the situation was death. She threatened us not to report the abuse. She said that she would kill us if we did. I knew she wasn’t lying because she would often describe to me how she planned to kill us in our sleep. I never imagined that one day she would report herself. One of the few kind things she did. The others were encouraging us to be away from her for as much as possible and not bringing men home.
It is actually nice having a child because you get to do things that children are allowed to do again. Part of me wanted a boy because I did a lot of tomboy activities as a child. I honestly don’t mind caring for others. It is in my nature. I do need to work on taking better care of myself though.
I wouldn’t even know where to start with a sense of self? Any suggestions? I really appreciate your advice. 🙏
May 31, 2025 at 10:46 pm #446461anitaParticipantI will be back to you in the morning, precious Alessa!
anita
June 1, 2025 at 12:28 pm #446467anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and for asking me for advice. I feel truly honored. ❤️
As I read your words, I see a central thread running through your life—the roles of Survivor and Caregiver. From an unimaginably cruel childhood, you found ways to endure. You took on the role of protector for your brother, doing everything you could to shield him, feed him, and keep him safe in a world that made that nearly impossible.
Even now, as an adult, that instinct to care remains strong—it’s woven into who you are. You continue to give to others, finding meaning in nurturing, whether through motherhood or supporting those around you, including people in these forums.
You lived in constant fear, yet you kept going—not just for yourself, but for your brother. In many ways, caring for him became the reason you didn’t give up entirely. That role was powerful, but it also carried a heavy burden—because when survival depends on protecting someone else, it can be devastating when that protection isn’t enough.
The guilt you carry isn’t because you failed—it’s because no child should have been placed in that position to begin with. You did everything in your power, but the circumstances were beyond your control.
Now, you ask about a sense of self—because for so long, your existence has been tied to surviving and caring for others. It’s completely understandable that looking inward, beyond those roles, feels unfamiliar. Who are you outside of survival? Outside of caregiving? This isn’t a question that needs an immediate answer—just gentle exploration.
A place to start could be small moments of self-reflection:
What makes you feel at peace, even briefly?
When are you happiest?
What do you enjoy purely for yourself, without an obligation to help someone else?
If survival and caregiving weren’t the defining themes, what would you want your life to be about?
Self-care doesn’t have to be grand gestures—it can be as simple as taking time each day to focus on what you need, separate from anyone else. Even allowing yourself to consider these questions is an act of reclaiming yourself.
You are more than what was done to you. More than the roles you’ve taken on out of necessity.
You have already survived the impossible—with incredible strength. Now, you deserve the space to exist for yourself, not just for others.
I’m grateful that you shared this with me, and I’m here whenever you want to continue exploring this journey.
Warmly, Anita
June 1, 2025 at 2:42 pm #446470AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kindness! You’ve given me a lot to think about. ❤️
June 1, 2025 at 5:57 pm #446472anitaParticipantYou are welcome, Alessa. ❤️
June 3, 2025 at 2:08 pm #446526AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your support, as always! ❤️
The difficulty is that sometimes life isn’t fair. People are in unfair situations all of the time and they have to make the best of it. I was a child and I didn’t choose the situation. I tried my best and made mistakes because I was a child living in extremely difficult circumstances. I might not have liked my brother, but I cared about him. He didn’t deserve the abuse he got. I didn’t want him to be harmed. It wasn’t my fault that things were the way they were. If we had been born to someone else things would’ve been very different.
I’ve had a think about sense of self. It’s complicated. I am in a bit of a survival mode, it’s true. I don’t have the time for anything else. With my conditions, the amount of self-care that would help I’m simply not able to do. I have to prioritise my son. I’m an adult, I can cope with difficulties. I’m not willing to let him down. I just do what I can when I can.
It’s difficult because I have always been a dreamer. Yet, I’m forced to be practical by my circumstances. I don’t begrudge this. It is just life.
In some cases, it seems like I do have a sense of self. In others, not so much. My perspective is easily influenced by others. Being comfortable with my own opinions would be nice.
I’ve learned to cope with a lot. I enjoy food. Asian dramas are strangely relaxing. I love a good story. Asian philosophy helps me. Sleep.
I don’t know. I really do think that helping makes the world go round. But helping can be anything. There isn’t really escaping it.
I really like calm and peace. And seeing people happy. These things make me feel safe.
I like singing and dancing even though I’m not good at them. Meditation, yoga. The outdoors.
I like thinking, but I know it is counterproductive sometimes. Trying to rein it in. I guess like anyone else, I feel happy when my needs are met. I feel seen and cared for.
I do think that positive affirmations might be helpful. Part of me is afraid of them. They have always made me uncomfortable.
Thank you for being there and listening. 🙏
June 3, 2025 at 3:18 pm #446529anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
You are welcome, and thank you for sharing so openly with me. I truly appreciate and respect your reflections. ❤️
I hear in your words the weight of survival and responsibility—the constant need to adapt and make the best of difficult circumstances. That resilience is a remarkable part of who you are. But woven through your message, beyond survival, I also see traces of Alessa outside of those roles—small glimpses into what brings you joy, what soothes your soul, and what makes you feel truly present.
You said: “I have always been a dreamer. Yet, I’m forced to be practical by my circumstances. I don’t begrudge this. It is just life.”-
Being a dreamer is part of who you are. Even in the face of hardship, your mind still reaches beyond practicality, beyond survival. The fact that you identify as a dreamer suggests that, deep down, you still believe in possibilities—even if life has placed barriers in front of them. Your dreams may look different now, but they still exist within you.
You also said: “I enjoy food. Asian dramas are strangely relaxing. I love a good story. Asian philosophy helps me. Sleep.”-
There is so much of you in these words—your appreciation for comfort, beauty, and ideas. Loving stories speaks to your imagination, your ability to find meaning in narratives, whether on screen or in philosophy. Enjoying food is a reminder that pleasure and nourishment matter to you, beyond just surviving. Sleep isn’t just rest—it’s a moment where your mind and body can retreat from demands and simply exist. These moments may feel small, but they are pieces of Alessa that exist beyond duty.
You shared: “I really like calm and peace. And seeing people happy. These things make me feel safe.”-
Your love for calm and peace shows that you crave serenity—not just as an escape, but as something inherently valuable to you. The desire for happiness—not just for others, but for yourself—reveals a deeper truth: you are allowed to want joy, not just to provide it for others.
You said: “I like singing and dancing even though I’m not good at them. Meditation, yoga. The outdoors.”-
These are expressions of self, not survival. Singing and dancing—whether you’re “good” or not—are pure, unfiltered moments of joy and movement. They have nothing to do with obligation; they exist simply because you like them. Meditation and yoga suggest a desire to connect with yourself, beyond daily struggles. And your love for the outdoors speaks to something deeper—a connection to the world outside survival, to beauty, fresh air, and presence.
You also said: “I like thinking, but I know it is counterproductive sometimes. Trying to rein it in. I guess like anyone else, I feel happy when my needs are met. I feel seen and cared for.”-
Even the need to feel seen and cared for is powerful. It tells me that you recognize your own worth, even if it feels distant at times. Your words show that, despite everything, you still want and deserve connection, joy, and peace—not just as someone who gives care, but as someone who is worthy of receiving it.
And lastly, you said: “I do think that positive affirmations might be helpful. Part of me is afraid of them. They have always made me uncomfortable.”-
This tells me that self-acceptance is both something you want and something that feels unfamiliar—which makes sense, considering everything you’ve endured. But even just acknowledging that affirmations might be helpful is a step toward reclaiming self-worth.
Alessa, you are more than a Survivor. More than a Caregiver.
You are a dreamer, a thinker, a seeker of peace, a lover of stories, a person who sings and dances simply because it brings joy. 💃🕺🎶
Even if survival still feels dominant, these parts of you are real, and they are yours. You deserve to nurture them, in whatever ways feel possible.
I am grateful to hear about these pieces of you, and I am always here to remind you of them. ❤️
Warmly, Anita
June 4, 2025 at 1:50 pm #446565AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Your message was truly beautiful and touched my heart, thank you! ❤️
You are a dreamer, a thinker, a seeker of peace, a lover of stories, a person who sings and dances simply because it brings joy. 💃🕺🎶
I hope you don’t mind if I use this as an affirmation?
June 4, 2025 at 5:11 pm #446572anitaParticipantDear Aleesa:
Your message truly made me smile—thank you for your kind words. ❤️ I’m honored that my words touched you, and of course, you’re welcome to use them as an affirmation!
🌸🌼🌷🌺💐🌻🌹 Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 