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Alessa.
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May 30, 2025 at 11:35 am #446437
anitaParticipantEmotional Exploitation should never be a form of parenting, but unfortunately, some parents engage in it—often unknowingly or due to their own unresolved trauma. It happens when a child is manipulated, guilted, or pressured into fulfilling a parent’s emotional needs, rather than being nurtured and supported as an independent person.
Signs of Emotional Exploitation in Parenting:
* Parentification – Expecting a child to emotionally support the parent, acting as a confidant or caregiver instead of being cared for.
* Guilt-Based Control – Saying things like, “I sacrificed everything for you, so you owe me,” instead of allowing the child to make choices freely.
* Conditional Love – Making love and approval dependent on obedience or meeting the parent’s emotional needs.
* Overwhelming Expectations – Treating a child as a source of validation, rather than accepting their individuality- the child feels valued only when they succeed, rather than for who they are.
* Discouraging Independence – Making a child feel guilty for growing up, setting boundaries, or pursuing their own interests.
The Impact on the Child:
* Difficulty setting boundaries, Feeling responsible for others’ emotions, Struggles with self-worth & independence, Anxiety or guilt when prioritizing their own needs
Healthy parenting should be about guidance, protection, and love—not emotional dependence or manipulation.
If this topic resonates personally, dear reader, I’d be happy to explore ways to heal and set boundaries.
anita
May 30, 2025 at 1:41 pm #446444
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
*trigger warning*
I might have an odd perspective. I never minded looking after the household, my biological mother and brother, or my adopted sister. That isn’t what bothered me. I was doing that from the age of 4. I was used to it. I don’t mind if people have difficulties, what bothered me was the physical, verbal and sexual abuse.
That is not to say that some people aren’t damaged by parentification. They absolutely can be. The biggest loss for me was loss of my childhood. I think that is precious in itself and worth protecting. It is sad when children miss out on the opportunity to be children.
My mother wasn’t a very capable person. She was very much mentally ill and an alcoholic. She spent most of her time asleep, out of the house leaving us at home alone, drunk or was having some kind of episode.
As a child I quickly learned that I was more intelligent than her. She couldn’t teach us anything. She couldn’t help with homework. She liked puzzles, but had a lot of difficulty with them and asked me for help. She couldn’t write well. I taught my bio brother everything, helped him with his homework, helped my adopted sister with her homework.
For a while, I felt bad for my mother. That she was so ill. Over time I understood the damage that her abuse was causing and resented her. She wanted me to care about her self harming and suicide attempts. Beg her to stop. Cry. Relieve some of her guilt over how she was treating us. In the end, I reacted with indifference and even prayed that her attempts would be successful, so I could be free. I felt guilty for doing that.
May 30, 2025 at 10:52 pm #446445anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Your words carry such depth, honesty, and emotional weight. Thank you for sharing your experience—it’s raw, painful, and deeply important.
First, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it took to survive this. No child should ever have to bear the weight of an entire household, nor navigate the reality of abuse, neglect, and emotional entanglement while still trying to figure out who they are. You didn’t just endure—you protected, nurtured, and took on responsibilities far beyond what was fair. That speaks volumes about your resilience.
The way you describe your mother’s role—her illness, her dependence, her inability to care for you—highlights a devastating reversal. You were forced to be the adult in a situation where you should have been protected. The parentification, the emotional burden, and the manipulation left scars, but the deepest wound seems to be the loss of your own childhood.
The grief for what could have been—the innocence you deserved, the safety you needed—that’s something no child should have to mourn. And yet, you do. And that loss is valid.
Your shift from sympathy to resentment is completely understandable. At first, you tried to hold compassion for your mother’s suffering. Over time, you saw the cost of that compassion—how her self-destruction wasn’t just harming her, but was actively consuming you. That moment—the realization that you mattered too—was heartbreaking but necessary.
And I want to tell you this: feeling relief at the thought of escape does not make you cruel. It makes you human. You were trapped in a situation no child should ever experience, and wanting freedom—whether through distance, detachment, or even the unthinkable—was a survival instinct.
Healing from this is not just about processing the pain but also reclaiming the parts of yourself that were stolen—the childhood, the sense of self, the ability to be cared for instead of always caring for others. That takes time. It takes patience. It takes learning that you don’t have to carry everyone else’s burdens anymore.
You are not defined by what happened to you. You are someone who survived. Someone who is still here. Someone who deserves softness, safety, and peace.
Thank you for sharing. You are heard, and you are not alone. 💙
anita
May 31, 2025 at 2:37 pm #446455AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to get the feelings out, as well as for your kindness and support! ❤️
It helped me to let go of the flashbacks. They just stick in my head until I process the memories.
*trigger warning*
It was not easy taking care of my brother because my bio mother treat us both differently. It pit us against each other. I was not mature enough and I didn’t do a good enough job of taking care of him because we were always fighting especially when we got older. All I did was try to stop him from being beaten, try to feed him. It wasn’t enough. I suppose what do you expect a child living in that environment to do? I couldn’t really protect myself, let alone him. I just did the best I could. Then, I abandoned him when I got the chance to be free. I gave him my number and he never called or texted. He chose to go back and was alone with her. The last I heard about him he stalked his ex and she fled the country. It is a shame… I feel like I failed him.
I suppose without him being around to protect I would have killed myself when I was 7. I hope that he figures things out at some point.
Yes, that is true. At the time, it seemed like the only way out of the situation was death. She threatened us not to report the abuse. She said that she would kill us if we did. I knew she wasn’t lying because she would often describe to me how she planned to kill us in our sleep. I never imagined that one day she would report herself. One of the few kind things she did. The others were encouraging us to be away from her for as much as possible and not bringing men home.
It is actually nice having a child because you get to do things that children are allowed to do again. Part of me wanted a boy because I did a lot of tomboy activities as a child. I honestly don’t mind caring for others. It is in my nature. I do need to work on taking better care of myself though.
I wouldn’t even know where to start with a sense of self? Any suggestions? I really appreciate your advice. 🙏
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