Dear Matthew:

You asked: “Is there anything that you think is lacking logic and continuity?”- yes, I will expand on two items, please take your time to read the following calmly and patiently:

1)  You wrote yesterday: “The only guilt that I somehow managed to change was the one for sexual pleasure. I used to feel so guilty about any kind of pleasure I’ve given myself for about 10 years. I used to think I was weak and dirty for it. And about 2 years ago I managed to get over it. I still feel guilty and weak sometimes, but it’s usually only when I’m down emotionally”-

– in the first 4 sentences you wrote that you “used to feel so guilty” and that you “used to think I was weak”- used to is past tense, implying that you no longer feel guilty and that you no longer think that you are weak. You wrote that you “managed to change” how you felt, again, past tense, implying that a change has taken place.

But the 5th sentence contradicts the first four sentences: “I still feel guilty and weak sometimes”. What happened with the “used to feel so guilty” and “used to think i was weak”?! If you used to feel guilty and you still do, then “used to” is misleading, inconsistent and contradictory.

Still, the 5th sentence: “I still feel guilty and weak sometimes, but it’s usually when I’m down emotionally”- the qualification that you don’t feel guilty all of the time, but only sometimes (when you feel down) cannot possibly be consistent with you using the past tense.

I will give you a simplified example, it is as if you told me the following: I managed to change was my fear of spiders. I used to be afraid of spiders for 10 years. Then about 2 years ago, I managed to get over my fear of spiders. I am still afraid of spiders sometimes, but only when I feel tired.-

-the first three sentences are misleading: they mislead the reader to think that you are no longer afraid of spiders.

The possible rationalizing: I used to be always afraid of spiders but now I am sometimes afraid of spiders is not satisfactory in bridging the gap between the first 3 sentences and the fourth, because no one is always afraid of something, no one is always in a state of fear.

2-a) You wrote about the people living in the ghetto part of town, April 8: “they are simply not afraid of anybody, having almost nothing to lose”. Today you wrote about the same people: “they are afraid of those who would be able to beat them up”- a contradiction.

2-b) You wrote April 9: “I don’t feel that the world outside my home is hostile and dangerous. I never have”.

On March 30, on April 8 and today, your wrote regarding the people living in the center of the town/ ghetto: “I am kind of afraid of these kinds of people when being on the street…They behave like the world is theirs, the police doesn’t do anything to them because they are afraid of them. There is a high risk that if anybody tries to confront them they will take their revenge because they are simply not afraid of anybody, having nothing to lose… It’s not like their purpose is to terrorize people, but it’s one of the things they do because they are enjoying it and they can.. the older kid who poured the drink on me was part of the group of those who are known to steal and be violent“- a stark contradiction.

2-c) Today you wrote about the people living in the ghetto part of town: “they are a different ethnic group”, and “I am not a racist”. You also wrote today about the same people: “most others don’t want to work, they live on welfare, they steal and they defend themselves by being aggressive. It’s something known among people, it’s not just something I came up with”. On March 30 and April 8, you wrote about the same ethnic group: “I am kind of afraid of these kinds of people being on the street…They haven’t gone to school, they don’t work, they live on welfare.. they are always on the street”-

You Matthew are not always on the street. Therefore you cannot possibly know that they are always on the street- a contradiction)

-“these kinds of people”, who don’t want to work, who live on welfare, who steal.. etc., “It’s something known among people”- sounds a whole lot like racism, and that you are repeating what you heard throughout your life, things your parents said, things people around you said (“it’s something known among people, it’s not just something I came up with”). You feel superior to “these kinds of people” (and inferior to other kinds of people).

– For you to no longer feel inferior, you need to see all people as equal. For as long as you view some as inferior to you, you will  view others as superior to you.

In summary: there is a concept called “intellectual honesty”. Wikipedia defines it as “an applied method of problem solving, characterized by an unbiased, honest attitude, which can be demonstrated in a number of different ways:

– One’s personal beliefs or politics do not interfere with the pursuit of truth;

– Relevant facts and information are not purposefully omitted even when such things may contradict one’s hypothesis;

– Facts are presented in an unbiased manner, and not twisted to give misleading impressions or to support one view over another”.

What I detect in your writing is a lack of intellectual honesty/ intellectual dishonesty,  as detailed in the three items above. In your various thread, and particularly in this very post, I have done my best to offer you input that I hoped would be helpful to you. You can, having this thread available to you, copy it, or parts of it,  into a personal file and study it. Maybe there is something here that can help you to move forward. I wrote to you earlier that you are intelligent, but you can’t solve your life problems effectively if you don’t add honesty to your intellect.

Following submitting this post, I will withdraw from your thread and no longer post to you here, or on any thread you may start. Perhaps other members will reply to you, and you are welcome to post again, here or on a new thread, and perhaps communicate with other members. (I am withdrawing because it is very unpleasant for me to communicate with a person who practices intellectual dishonesty to the extent that you do). I wish you well.

anita