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  • #198791
    Missxm
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I just wanted to share/seek advice from everyone out there.

    I am a 24 year old woman and I have a good stable life. I work, have a good set of friends and although family life has been difficult i have a wonderful relationship with my siblings and mother. My dad has had mental health problems since i can remember but I did not realise how much this has affected me until the last 3 years since being in 2 serious relationships. Both of the men were amazing/good people and made me feel very loved and told me I have a lot to offer but I can’t seem to control my emotions properly in relationships. I throw “tantrums” I say really mean things when we argue or I don’t get my way I just lose control completely. In every other aspect of my life I have control and don’t kick off the same way. I am also seeing a therapist about this for a few months but it hasn’t made much of a difference…yet.

    Any thoughts? Will I ever change? I want to be in control so I can be in a healthy relationship xxx

    #198925
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Missxm,

    I akin throwing tantrums like this to a bad habit. You can clearly control this as you don’t act this way in front of your boss, strangers, or, say, your mother. Pretend your loved one is a person you just met last week and you are on your second date. Then when these feelings come up you can squash them with sheer politeness.

    Try it! It works! My husband and I have been on our “sixth date” for twenty years!

    Best,

    Inky

    #198961
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Missexm:

    The good thing is that you sought therapy. I hope the therapy you are having is of quality. Did you arrive at any new understandings as a result of therapy so far?

    Is there clarity in therapy of the objective to aim at, and how to go about it?

    anita

    #198971
    Missxm
    Participant

    Hey both,

    my therapist says that due to my damaged relationship with my father this impacts the men I’m with now but I see no improvement in my behaviour? I scream, shout, throw things I am so bored of the way I am. I guess I should speak to my therapist about how we can try and improve it?

    xx

    #198977
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Missxm:

    I wasn’t aware that you currently are in a relationship, are you? If you are and you are mistreating a man, and you cannot yet control your behavior, then better exit the relationship immediately and stay away from relationships until you are able to control your behavior.

    The focus of therapy should be just that, to control your behavior so you are no longer abusive to another. To control your behavior it takes learning emotional regulation skills, so to not be overwhelmed by your emotions and therefore to not react automatically in the abusive ways you have in the past.

    My therapist in the past started with introducing to me guided meditations and the concept of Mindfulness, in the emotional regulation aim.

    Insight into the origin of problems is very important and necessary for healing, but first focus, again, is to not abuse another. This is your responsibility to see to it and I hope the focus of therapy, at this pint.

    Has your therapist introduce to you the emotional regulation concept, not necessarily using this term?

    I also wonder about your present relationship with your father as it may still be fueling your anger..?

    anita

    #199493
    Missxm
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes – we are taking space while I take some time out for therapy.

    My therapist has not yet introduced me to that we are currently talking through building confidence and understanding weather my partner also does things to trigger me as I seem to blame myself for everything.

    One thing I am sure about is i do not want to handle situations the way I do so I have introduced myself to meditation and try and do this regularly.

    I don’t feel angry towards my father anymore so not sure what’s causing me to behave this way, my therapist says that trauma from the past (my dad being the way he is and I was also in a very scary relationship between 14-18 where he would treat me badly, say horrible things and behave aggressively) has caused me to pick up these habits and with time they will go away?

    x

    #199509
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Missxm:

    You wrote: “trauma from the past.. has caused  me  to  pick up these habits  and with  time they will go away”- habits stay the same over time, this is what a habit is, same behavior. Sometimes one habit is exchanged for another, for example people in the habit  of drinking a lot of alcohol stop that habit, and instead start the habit of eating  lots of sweets.

    You wrote that  you don’t feel angry  at  your father. It doesn’t mean that  your experience  with him was not  powerful. More likely it was  so powerful that you reacted by … not  feeling, going  numb, or the pain has been ongoing for so long that you don’t notice it anymore. But the pain, that  is the hurt and the  anger resulting from it, arise with other men.

    You wrote  that you blame yourself  for everything and in therapy  you are looking into what  your current, on break, boyfriend has been triggering  you. Do you have an example of such triggering?

    anita

     

     

    #199639
    Missxm
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I just feel confused because I only behave and have this habit in a relationship.

    my boyfriend is not perfect but nothing he does should trigger the reaction I give. If he simply ignores my text or call I can say the most horrible things because I just want to hurt him. I say cruel things, I shout and scream over the most ridiculous things.

    I really don’t know what therapy I require? I agree that the hurt and anger arise now with other men due to my father. I’m struggling to feel the pain as I said I don’t feel angry towards my dad anymore.

    I blame myself for most of the relationships failing because I cannot control my mouth!

    Ive started meditation do you think this will help?

    x

    #199643
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Missxm:

    It will help me understand better if you share about your relationship with your father in the present.

    How is your relationship with your father now, at 24, the same as it was when you were a child, and how is it different?

    anita

     

    #199649
    Missxm
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My relationship with my father when I was young was very scary. As a child my mother told me I hardly ever cried or threw tantrums and if I think back properly I can remember feeling too scared to show emotion. I was always so scared my father. He always created a really horrible energy, my mum was also really scared of him so he put fear in us all. we would behave in a way so he would not kick off. He was a very angry man would start arguments with my mum/brother for no reason. I remember a lot of bad arguments which happened probably on a weekly basis.

    As ive grown older my rather has now stopped speaking to my mother totally and has very distant relationships with his children. He doesn’t talk much and stays up in his room most days. He is a very lonely man but no longer an angry man.

    I text and speak to him very briefly nothing deep. It’s almost a none existent relationship. Breaks my heart.

    x

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Missxm.
    #199653
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Missxm:

    What breaks your heart  (last  line)- that he  is very lonely or that  there  is “almost a none existent relationship” with him?

    anita

    #199655
    Missxm
    Participant

    I think sometimes when I go through my own emotional struggle with a partner I wonder if he felt the same way and nobody was ever there to help him and this makes me sad. It also makes me sad that now he does not have any friends, a relationship with his wife or any of the kids.  I also feel really sad that I never had a chance to feel that protection or love from a father or even have a slight idea of what that feels like and then I just feel like i’ll never be able to control my emotions and be in a healthy relationship.

    this all breaks my heart.

    #199659
    Missxm
    Participant

    also, Anita I just don’t know how to even start to be able to control my emotions.

    My therapist is not teaching me emotional regulation.

    #199661
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Missxm:

    Is it  possible that you don’t want a man in your life, a partner, to be happy for as long as your own father is unhappy?

    anita

    #199663
    Missxm
    Participant

    I don’t think so Anita…I do want my partner to be happy deep down its just when I personally feel uneasy or unhappy its how I act towards my partner. I can’t talk or have a normal conversation it becomes a fighting battle. me saying horrible things. My ex said I don’t have discipline and I’m immature – could this be down to immaturity?

    Also if I need to be taught emotional regulation how is it that I’m able to control emotions at work and with family and just not with my partner…..

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