I am so sorry to read this Jeff. You have been very eloquent and your pain is so clear in your words.

I’m sure there is nothing I can say that can make you feel better as your loss is profound.

I will say however that I don’t think you are right to feel shame. Things happen, people change and circumstances which are beyond our control occur. This can happen to anyone and beating yourself up about it will not help. From what you’ve told us, I can’t see anything that you’ve done wrong in this situation other then ‘being a human being’.

Maybe it’s not a case of looking for the good in this situation. Maybe it is about resolve?

I think perhaps all you can do is resolve to make the best of what has happened? So you could resolve to be the best father you can be. You can resolve to continue to treat your wife with respect?

I think it is also really really important that you resolve to look after yourself. It’s easy in these circumstances to go to pieces and it would be best if you could avoid that. Look after your emotional and physical health as best as you can.

When I was single I came across this book. It was written in the 30’s by a former Vogue editor. It was written for women, but I believe that the advice is very practical and can be of great use for men too. I am married now but I keep a copy of this book by my bedside because it’s so useful, it’s no nonsense, and practical too. You could have a look at the reviews and see if it is worth investing in for you.

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=ZvYugap0b-gC

I really hope you find peace.

Jeff divorce is not fun and one of the most stressful experiences one can have. I presume thinking along the lines you have is not unusual and totally understandable, and sorry you had to experience it.
The problem is that your thoughts are in fact irrational and they make you feel bad, hopeless. By changing the way you think about the same event, your mood will improve.
You might want to see a psychologist who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), or learn some techniques by your self. The one I like and the one that really saved me many times, is the 3 column technique. Check e.g. the book “Feeling Good” by David Burns.

You think ” The life I loved is over. My kids are now statistics…”, you are catastrophizing the matter, you see as “all or nothing”, but the life you loved is likely not totally over, and you still have your kids.
You think “No exciting future will come of this”, you are trying to predict the future. Most likely you find the ways to enjoy life, ways to live meaningful life. Nobody took this from you.
You think “No good comes of this”, you are again predicting the future and you think it is black and white. In fact, your kids learn from you how to deal with this situation or learn what should have been done differently. It makes you stronger, and your kids stronger. It perhaps opens some new opportunities for you.
Anyways, hope you get the idea

Dear Jeff,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. It is such a tough time.

I too went through a divorce after 17 years with my husband. My first piece of advice is to allow yourself time to grieve. You can’t move from all you’ve known in your married life without grieving it’s loss. Don’t be too hard on yourself, allow yourself to feel the grief.

My second piece of advice is to still attempt to be amicable with your ex-wife. Not for yourself, or for her, but for your children. They love you both, you two are the most important people in the world to them and nothing hurts a child more than seeing their parents fight. Their ability to cope with this situation really does depend on how you two respond to each other. If you need to fight/discuss/argue, do so in private when the children aren’t around.

Thirdly, there is life after divorce. Just don’t force it. Look after yourself, your health, your children and the rest will follow. I personally saw a counsellor to help me adjust and he recommended a book for me to work through. It may be worth a look if you’re interested or when you’re ready. It is called “Rebuilding when your relationship ends” by Dr Bruce Fisher. He also holds seminars in the US if that is where you are based.

In Australia we have a place called Relationships Australia that hold courses to help you rebuild and restart after a relationship breakdown. I’m not sure if there is anything similar where you are, but if so, perhaps something along those lines may be helpful to you.

Good luck with everything Jeff

Hi Jeff,

I understand your worries about your children being statistics, I think that is a worry we all have to some extent. I don’t know about repeating the cycle though…both my brother and myself have divorced and our parents have been married for 43 years and have a great relationship. My new husband also comes from a family where his parents are still married after 42 years and are still so in love that it’s inspiring. So, even those that come from ‘intact’ families can become divorce ‘statistics’ as well.

I believe that the worry about your children being statistics and potentially setting them up to repeat the cycle is mostly driven by guilt. For me I feel guilty that I couldn’t provide my son with the ‘intact’ secure family that I grew up in and I know my brother and my new husband feel the same.

I’m so glad to hear that you and your ex-wife understand the importance of remaining amicable. One would say ‘how could you not after your own upbringings’ but believe me, I know plenty of people that haven’t learnt from those experiences. Have you thought that perhaps you are breaking the ‘cycle’ by your ex and yourself being amicable? That you are teaching your children tolerance, love and understanding…all essential skills for a successful life?

Life after divorce will come when you are ready. You may not become a ‘better’ person per se, particularly if you are happy with who you are now…but I can pretty much guarantee that you will come out of it stronger. No one can experience the grief you are experiencing now and not grow from it in some way, shape or form. As I said before, just take the time to grieve. Right now, just focus on getting through each day, focus on the joys where you can (your children, for example), and congratulate yourself at the end of each day for getting through it.

Jeff

Has time been a healer ?

Tony