March 19, 2017 at 2:34 pm #140595
Wow, I was (am) so in love with her, and so wanted us to move forward. She was more ambivalent, and would fade in and fade out of the relationship. Sometimes weeks would go by when she wouldn’t want to talk. There were a couple spans of several months where we didn’t see each other. I did not and do not think she was involved with someone else. I believe she was just scared out of her mind, scared of closeness, and scared of the unknown. I tried all I could think of to be available to her, safe for her, understanding of her. I worked hard on my issues in therapy. She seemed not to do any work on herself or her fears. Finally, I just couldn’t take the lack of connection any more.
The emotional distance for all those years just felt too awful and too lonely, and we weren’t coming together. So I ended it.
I’m doing okay and am at peace that I gave her my all, and there was nothing left I could do. But still, I’m very sad, and will have to go through a grieving process.
I hope I choose a partner more wisely next time, someone who is available to journey with me. As much as I love my now ex, she just wasn’t available.
Thanks for reading.March 19, 2017 at 8:08 pm #140657AnonymousGuest
Thank you for sharing your experience. You make a lot of sense: “she just wasn’t available”- congratulations for ending this on-again-off-again relationship.
I hope to that you will soon find the woman who will be available to journey with you.
anitaMarch 20, 2017 at 11:40 am #140829
Thank you, Anita, for replying. Part of the fall-out of that relationship was that I was feeling quite invisible. So your simple remark was happily received.March 20, 2017 at 1:08 pm #140839
Has she ever expressed her love back? In any subtle way?March 20, 2017 at 1:32 pm #140841
At different times, she was more available than others, especially during the first few months (you know, the “romantic phase.”) But she hadn’t told me she loved me for well over a year, and she repeatedly turned down my invitations to get together, and to talk on the phone when we weren’t together. I haven’t seen her since October. I actually do think she loves me, but I don’t want to be in a relationship where there are months of not seeing each others, or weeks of not talking. I think she would benefit from some regular psychotherapy, but that is a decision that only she can make. Thanks for touching base, Azouz.March 20, 2017 at 1:41 pm #140843
One last question.
Do you wish to have her back, and see for yourself where it didn’t work, or do you wish to move on without saying any further word to her?
What i’m about to say next heavily depends on your answer, but both have favorable outcomes, so be assured.March 20, 2017 at 3:43 pm #140851
Azouz, I think I know where it didn’t work; early on, I got busy sorting out my stuff and my contribution. She did not do the same, and didn’t seek to grow. I think she won’t and can’t be available to me or to anyone else, until and unless she gets busy on her personal work. There’s probably not a way around each person taking full responsibility for their part of a relationship. Just my thought.March 20, 2017 at 6:20 pm #140859AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. I just read a reply you wrote to another member and again, you read to me an exceptionally reasonable and insightful person- a breath of fresh air!
anitaMarch 21, 2017 at 7:47 am #140939
I’ve been concerned about her reason not to do it actually. It was why it didn’t work.
You definitely know her more than i do, but has she ever told you that she suffers from depression? Anxiety or any other mental obstacle?
She probably needed your help to make her first step, and progress with the relation.
As long as she seeked no other partner, then it’s safe to say that it was not you who was the problem.
I’m not saying this to make you feel culpable, but have you tried to speak to her? Have you pointed out your concerns and thought of guiding her rather than resolving your personal issues over helping her too?
It could be late to approach her with anything for the present time, but that does not prevent you from getting a profound understanding on her and the relation. She was your ex, and she still matters, no matter what you do.March 21, 2017 at 1:56 pm #141037
Thanks for your thoughts, Azouz!March 22, 2017 at 10:26 am #141149ElisabethParticipant
Craig, Thanks for sharing your story. I tend to pick emotionally unavailable people and am trying to rewire my brain now. I wish you the best of luck with your future and know you will meet someone more compatible.March 22, 2017 at 1:43 pm #141179dreaming715Participant
I think it’s empowering that you’re sharing your experience and reflecting on it. I like that you wrote, “I’m doing okay and am at peace that I gave her my all, and there was nothing left I could do.” You may be able to find solace in knowing that you did give it your all.March 22, 2017 at 3:33 pm #141185
Elisabeth and dreaming715, thanks for reading my thoughts and sharing yours. I am indeed at peace, though simultaneously very sad. I was so motivated to grow and learn and become the best partner I could, and have learned some great relational skills (I think!).
I think one of the key qualities I’ll look for in my next (and hopefully last) partner is a strong desire to grow and learn. Nobody comes off-the-shelf, ready-to-go, as a perfect partner. But I believe amazing things could happen if both people really want to learn how to build a great relationship.
Incidentally, my opinion for what it’s worth, as to the reason that most relationships fail or become mediocre is that when the romantic phase passes, one or both people think something is “wrong” and doesn’t see that the path to a deeper connection has now just begun – but takes some learning. Just my thoughts.March 24, 2017 at 2:45 pm #141567
No matter how hard you try to reach the perfect kind of love, it can always fall apart.
You might be confident that you’ll stick to the relation and protect it, but you can never be certain about your partner’s intentions.
You can just meet people, build relations and learn. Just never make yourself vulnerable, and when someone insists that the good phase is over, which is personally an asburd concept to me, you can just let them go and watch them regret their choice.
Relationships, or partners who think that there’s flame only at the beginning of the relation then set it to an end as it grows are not worth keeping cause they lack one important aspect of life. The presence of our loved one will always make our life better regardless of where and when.
Find someone who’s gonna value you, respect you, smile for you and wish to spend her entire life with you.
Your challenge will bring your entire patience to the test, but be careful about your future engagements. Soon enough, you will meet the one. You barely have got enough time to make yourself perfect for her, so when you find her, you will be ready to bring her every shape of joy.