Menu

Excepting someone to 'baby you' and take care of you

HomeForumsRelationshipsExcepting someone to 'baby you' and take care of you

New Reply

This topic contains 14 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  JayJay 2 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #288647

    jessica
    Participant

    I always placed a lot of pressure on my first boyfriend to look after me. That if we went out at night that he should always take me home and if my parents are away he should stay over. I wanted him to baby me and look after me. I would always baby him as well but he would get angry if I would get mad about him not looking after me enough.

    A main reason on my behalf for our breakup was that I needed to learn how to look after myself. I started to do things that I hope would make me feel independent. Such as going to art galleries or festivals by myself and getting my licence. I also have been trying to save so that I can go live overseas and fend for myself. I also decided that I was going to try avoid dating until I have sorted this out.

    Flash forward and I meet someone one night. I was in a slightly attention seeking and needy mood which may of been the reason I approached him. He was 30, had his life together and was really accepting. I immediately go into the mind set that he can and will look after me. Making me like his baby. At the same time I’m thinking, no I can’t think this way but, in the moment I wanted that security so bad.

    I am only 21, living with my parents still. I have always had a good relationship with my parents, I probably hadn’t respected them as much as I should of in the past though. They still look after me way too much but I don’t think I can fix that till I move out. I am about to enter the workforce so hopefully that will change things.

    I have always had a very child like side to me though. In that I love to have fun, dress up, watch kids movies and still love soft toys. I like those parts of my personality even though they are a bit different. I fear though that me going for guys that I think will look after me is dangerous and unhealthy.

    I’m just struggling to know how to change this or grow out of it. Or is this just forever a part of my personality?

    #288663

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Jessica,

    To an extent, I think we all feel the need to be ‘looked after’ by someone else. It starts in childhood, when we are looked after by our parents, from the time we are indeed, babies to be ‘babied’. Most children, though, seem to kick off for independence a lot sooner, wanting to do things for themselves, going out into the big wide world and having friends. Do you have any friends, a circle of friends? A close friend?

    At 21, I would have thought that letting your parents ‘still look after me way too much’ is actually hampering your growth into an adult. I wonder if your parents don’t want to let go and acknowledge that you are now an adult and need to stand on your own two feet. I wonder if they are contributing to your ‘neediness’ of others and your expectation that others will look after you as they have always done.

    You have taken steps to become more independent though, going out on your own, for example, to art galleries and so on. So you are moving forwards, which is good.

    In what ways do your parents still ‘look after you way too much’?

    The answers to these questions might help us to understand your situation a bit more.

    with best wishes,

    Jay

    #288693

    anita
    Participant

    Dear jessica:

    I am looking forward to your answers to Jay’s excellent questions as those will help better understanding of your situation.

    Without those answers I have one general point to make regarding a young woman expecting a man to baby her (“I immediately go into the mind set that he can and will look after me. Making me like his baby”): when you meet a man, he doesn’t look at you and sees a baby to be taken care of. He sees a woman, and if he finds you sexually attractive, he will be naturally motivated to have sex with you.

    It is a mistake, as a woman, to expect a man to see her as a baby. His hormones, his neural and chemical reactions lead him to want to satisfy his sexual needs via use of the woman’s body.

    anita

    #288697

    Mark
    Participant

    Jessica

    My guess is that you are an only child, the youngest or the only girl in the family. Have your parents always did things for you? You really did not learn Independence?

    It seems that you have the right idea on how to Learn to be independent by moving out once you have the resources.

    In the meantime, focus on doing more things on your own

    #288699

    Mark
    Participant

    Addendum: try activities where you are the one who is the caregiver.  Volunteer to take care of kids or the elderly or the disabled.

    #288827

    jessica
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for their help I really appreciate it! It has definitely enlightened me some more which is what I needed. I have provided more information so hopefully this will help give you all more insight.

    Friends question:
    I have a group of girlfriends from school I care about deeply and still enjoy catching up with but I don’t spend as much time with them as they are still busy studying and I find that we don’t care about the same stuff as a result of it.

    I have two close girlfriends I spend most my time with. Both are completely different types of people, both of them didn’t help me when I brought this up. They just said that I am becoming more independent and it will be easier when I move out of home.

    Family situation:
    In regards to how my parents are looking after me too much. For example if they decided to go on a holiday for a week. My mum would prepare meals for me to have everyday and would call me everynight to check in that everything is okay. They would also feel bad about leaving me and my mum would worry about me being alone. Even though I have been totally fine in the past.

    A bit of my family background and me as a child will definitely give more insight too. My mum was an only child growing up and doesn’t work anymore. My dad is a school teacher and I am his only child. I find that they are both quiet controlling and always always like to be around people. My half brother is seven years older then me, we grew up in the same house but he lives overseas now. I only at 19 got two cousins around my age through marriage. So I was the youngest in my family growing up.

    Me as a child:
    When I was younger I was the shortest in the class so I always got a lot of attention for being cute. I also had to repeat prep because I wasn’t mature enough.

    Work:
    Currently for work I teach a kids dance class and run a school library after hours. I also am currently looking for work as a clinical Pilates instructor.

    This mindset I am in doesn’t effect me too deeply but I worry that this is preventing my growth and will prevent me from having a healthy relationship. I do enjoy doing my own thing but I definitely fall into relaying on someone else to look after me.

     

    #288829

    jessica
    Participant

    Also incase I didn’t make this clear. On my dad’s side of the family I am the only grandchild.

    #288835

    JayJay
    Participant

    Family situation:
    In regards to how my parents are looking after me too much. For example if they decided to go on a holiday for a week. My mum would prepare meals for me to have everyday and would call me everynight to check in that everything is okay. They would also feel bad about leaving me and my mum would worry about me being alone. Even though I have been totally fine in the past.

    This really sounds like your mum is suffering from separation anxiety over leaving you. Or perhaps guilty about leaving you. That your Mum assumes you won’t be able to cope or feed yourself even, unless she is in control of your situation, even if that control is from a distance. Bless her, she is unable to see you as an adult, but sees you more as a child in need of her care and constant attention. It’s up to you to change her mindset really, as simply accepting this way of her doing things is not really good for either of you.

    As an only child herself, your mum would be repeating behaviour from her own childhood of growing up and this might be the reason she babies you. I think it’s up to you to let her know that you will be perfectly able to cook your own meals, etc., while she is away and maybe go some way towards releasing her from her anxiety over whether you can cope or not. She obviously feels that you can’t look after yourself, whereas you know you can. Perhaps you could cook some meals some days instead of her – show her that you can do it, rather than simply accepting that it’s her role to ‘look after you’?

    How do you see her reacting if you did leave home? I mean if you left home right now, without doing the above?

    Jay

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    #288855

    anita
    Participant

    Dear jessica:

    You wrote regarding your past relationship: “I wanted him to  baby me and look after me”- nothing wrong with that, being babied in moderation, I suppose.

    “I would always baby him as well”- that is fair, he babies you, you baby him.

    “but he would get angry if I would be mad about him not looking after me”- here may be a problem. It may be that he was selfish and didn’t want to take care of you any, and it may be that you were selfish and demanded too much. An example or two here would be very helpful to figure this out.

    But there is something else, the anger- when you were “mad about him not looking after (you)”- how did you express your anger at him- what did you say to him, did you yell at him, punish him somehow?

    You wrote: “I fear though that me going for guys that I think will look after me is dangerous and unhealthy”-

    -it is not unhealthy or dangerous to look after a man and he looking after you. Question is, the extent of it and the expressions of anger involved.

    If you look after and take care of each other in moderation (to be determined by the two of you in conversations) and without mistreatment of each other when feeling angry, it is fine and dandy.

    anita

    #288985

    jessica
    Participant

    To Jay

    Yes that makes sense. I think that’s a good idea, I have cooked a few meals recently, she was very controlling about it but she has started to ease of a little. I think that maybe her seeing me putting more effort into learning how to cook would allow her to relax more when I’m in the kitchen rather then trying to control the situation.

    My mum would cope okay with me leaving but she would defiantly worry about me being safe and being lonely, however when my brother moved out but was still living in the same country as us, she would often drop meals of to him as she was worried, what he was eating. Also, my parents are still very controlling with things such as ambulance insurance or car insurance extra. I understand that they know how it operates but I think it’s something I should be in control of.

     

    Jess

    #288987

    jessica
    Participant

    To Anita,

    I defiantly demanded it to much so I’m not sure if that’s what lead him to being more selfish about it. I also think that he didn’t do enough if I didn’t ask so it made me more demanding. So for example some of the things I would ask him to do what be like to stay the night whilst my parents where away because at that point in my life I felt scared but my parents didn’t know that. Or I would ask him to pick me up from places because I didn’t want to get an Uber alone. Or if I got lost I would call him to help me with directions.

    If he didn’t do what I asked I would just tell him that I felt unsafe though and I was confused as to why he wouldn’t want to look after me in that way. I would also at times get quiet sad about it. He would raise his voice in response and would say things like “I can’t drop my life for you”, “I can’t stay over I need to be home to help at home”, “Nothing is every good enough for you” , “Why can’t your brother pick you up”.  He was only 19 so I don’t think he knew how to handle the situation so it just made it worse. I understand now that it was my parents that put the fear into me rather then me actually feeling scared. Also living in society issues like people approaching me have happened when I was underage that also put this fear into me that I wasn’t safe alone but, I now choose to look at it that I need to be aware of my surrounds at all times.

    Yes I am hoping that I can enjoy having someone doing things for me that make me feel looked after. I think you pointing out that I would be looked at as a women and not a baby has helped me to see that this is where the care will come from. So I am hoping that this means I can enjoy moments of care without the expectation/ demand for it.

    Jess

    #288993

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess:

    You wrote: “I think you pointing out that I would be looked at as a woman and not a baby has helped me to see that this is where the care will come from”-

    – excellent conclusion. What you demanded from your ex boyfriend was that he treats you as if you were a child and he was your substitute parent. Your parents were away from home and you demanded that he stays the night with you, a substitute for your absent parents. But as an adult, you should be okay with spending the night alone, if you live in a reasonably safe house and neighborhood.

    No wonder he got frustrated, he didn’t want to be a babysitter/substitute parent, babysitting you and driving you around for errands like parents do, driving their children to school and then to after school activities.

    Biologically and legally you are an adult, a woman, 21. When men see you, they see a woman, they see the body of a woman. And if they find you attractive, they will feel sexually attracted to you and they will be interested in .. well, satisfying their sexual desires. To live a functional life, a life that considers reality as it is, you have to see yourself as they see you- a woman.

    You have a child like side to you, you wrote in your original post, you “love to have fun, dress up, watch kid movies” etc. That is fine, keep that child like side. As a matter of fact, none of us lose that child that we were, and if you pay attention you will see old people behaving like happy children, at times, when they are relaxed and in company.

    Keep your child side because it is not going anywhere but develop your adult side, become the woman you already are. When you are ready for a boyfriend, not a substitute parent, then attempt a romantic relationship. Together with a future boyfriend, the two of you should have fun, like children, but each one of you should individually take care of the business of adult living, such as spending night alone and using pubic transportation.

    anita

     

     

    #289205

    jessica
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for all your help I really appreciate it! I think this has given me a lot more perspective and made me able to view my reality a lot clearer.

    Jess

    #289243

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Jess. Post again anytime you want to.

    anita

    #289473

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Jessica,

    The following may or may not apply to your situation, but I have come across people who expect and demand to be looked after all their lives. I used to have a female friend who stated, ‘that’s what men are for’. She meant to be used, to expect them to pay for everything, and look after them just as though they were parenting her. She would often say, about her partners. ‘they are supposed to look after me’.

    To make someone else responsible for every aspect of your life, and therefore your happiness, is so incredibly distressing to the other person in a relationship. The friend I mentioned above never had a relationship lasting more than a few years. Her expectations simply put too much pressure on her partners for them to cope with after a while.

    I’m not saying that this is the case with you yourself, because simply asking the questions and acknowledging the answers means you know that something is not quite right with your expectations of others and you are taking huge steps to get yourself to be more independent. I’m just simply asking you to consider whether you are actually trying to make others responsible for your own happiness, when really, happiness comes from within ourselves.

    I thought long and hard about whether to write this post, as, like I pointed out, I don’t think this is the case with you. I just thought I would mention it, as it’s often the case with over-protective and babying parents that their offspring expect the same from others as they get from their parents, and see others as their only route to happiness.

    with best wishes

    Jay

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.