Dear Stacy:

I hope that my last post of two days ago was not too distressing for you to read..? Maybe it was.

I was wondering,  you mentioned health anxiety in your last post: “my health anxiety was obsessive (still is)“- what is your health anxiety about?

It occurred to me today the following: you wrote earlier about him, the guy: “He was healing me by never shaming me for coming to him with insecurities“, and 2 days ago, you wrote about your mother: “I was having the worst financial and health related month (July) and my health anxiety was obsessive (still is). She went off on me and said I was insufferable to live with“- so it’s your mother who’s been shaming you for coming to her with insecurities.

Like I wrote to you before, I am only a stranger on the internet to you, but as strangely as it may sound, I genuinely feel that your (and anyone’s) emotional quality of life is as important as my own, and therefore, if there is anything I can do in the context of your thread to help you with that quality, I would like to do it. Maybe I can help with this little bit: to never shame you for sharing your insecurities, here on your thread.

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome and thank you (!) for being the caring person that you are. You being a caring person (caring to answer me, to let me know that you didn’t take my last post offensively, telling me that I’ve been helpful to you, graciously accommodating my request for shorter posts, and more), makes it easy for me to feel so positively about you!

* Please let me know if my posts are too long for you.

So, he told you (after the breakup?)  the following: “I honestly don’t know what I would do without you“, and: “We will figure this out and get through this together“, but left you on read since Tues night, Tues-Sun, 4+ days, while posting a new video of himself socializing in a restaurant.

Like I said before, it takes so little energy and time to utter words. This is why so many people utter too many words. I do too (and need to limit this tendency further), but I am careful about uttering promises. He promised you to figure this out and go through this together, but didn’t deliver on his promise.

Also, like I suggested before, he often told you what you needed to hear. I think that hearing what you needed to hear from him caused you to become as emotionally attached to him as you are.

* I wonder if some of what he told you (ex., the promise I boldfaced above) are sentences he heard his PhD psychologist parents tell, and he repeats them…

“When I was 12 years old, I choked on a cough drop and nearly died. and developed a severe choking and swallowing phobia…. At 26, it was discovered I also have Eosinophilic esophagitis… I’ve been reading a lot into health anxiety/OCD and I’m beginning to wonder if this is overlapping with my extreme rumination and obsessive thinking..“-

– I read what you shared attentively. There is a mix of physical and mental symptoms & factors affecting each other (“factors triggering each other“, your words). My therapist at the time used to repeatedly say: everything is physical. And it is true: without the brain and body (which are physical), there wouldn’t be anything  that’s mental. What we experience as mental/ psychological happens as a result of the physical activities of our physical nervous and endocrine systems (nerve tissue,  hormones).

Here is how I (not a professional of any kind, just a member here) see it (the italicized are your words): choking on a cough drop (12)=> a severe choking and swallowing phobia=> severe CHRONIC STRESS (high levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, released into the blood and reaching every organ of the body) => Eosinophilic Esophagitis, an inflammation of the esophagus (at 26 it was discovered).

Eosinophils are a type of white blood cells whose function is to fight infection; they are part of the immune system. Eosinophilic Esophagitis is a condition where eosinophils are found in the esophagus, where they are not normally present.

From cleveland clinic. org/ what happens when your immune system gets stressed out (I am adding the boldface feature): “In short spurts, cortisol can boost your immunity by limiting inflammation. But over time, your body can get used to having too much cortisol in your blood. And this opens the door for more inflammation… High stress levels also can cause depression and anxiety, again leading to higher levels of inflammation”.

Anxiety and depression (high, chronic levels of stress) hurt the functioning of the immune system and lead to inflammation. The body’s weakened immune system does not effectively fight the pathogens that cause inflammation (or the body’s immune system attacks the body it’s supposed to protect).

I found a study by the National Library of Medicine, in regard to EoE (Eosinophilic Esophagitis) very interesting. The results of this study indicate that (1) although more EoE sufferers (than the normal population) suffer from anxiety and depression, not all EoE sufferers also suffer from anxiety and depression, and (2) most of those suffering from anxiety and depression as a result of EoE, suffer at the ages of 18-35 (makes me hope that at 31, you are close to an age of.. less suffering).

From the study : “A considerable proportion of adult EoE patients suffers from mental distress, with a 3‐fold risk of significant anxiety in those patients younger than 35 years… In conclusion, we observed a substantial presence of mental distress among adult EoE patients, with a compelling 3‐fold risk of significant signs of anxiety during young adulthood (18–35 years)”.

You shared that as a result of your choking and swallowing phobia, you lost a lot of weight and was very thin in 7th grade,  “was accused of being anorexic in school“, and it’s part of the reason why you “still don’t feel physically like a woman“, feeling that “men see a child” when they look at you, even though you gained weight since. Interestingly, I was a very thin, underdeveloped girl growing up, the smallest girl in every class, way, way less feminine than the great majority of my school peers.

“I felt incredibly alone in my health struggles since it was never resolved… I genuinely fear I have developed some form of OCD from this. Every single day, I can have the slightest physical sensation and I have to talk myself down or need to seek reassurance that I’m not in danger. It’s EXTREME and I can’t be talked out of things. It’s ruined my life and my relationships. I’ve been reading a lot into health anxiety/OCD and I’m beginning to wonder if this is overlapping with my extreme rumination and obsessive thinking and need to “figure out’ my relationship and breakup as well. The amount of reassurance seeking with this breakup is absolutely depleting me and everyone I reach out to”–

– it makes sense that chronic stress will lead to OCD. It did in my case. Chronic stress/ chronic high levels of cortisol harmed me physically: I developed motor and vocal tics that started at the age of 5 or 6, as far as I know (diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of 26), a condition that lowered my quality of life by A LOT: not only because of the embarrassment about being observed (and heard) tic-ing, but also because of the physical tension that is involved with the tics. Interestingly (and it connected to what I read and commented about above), I talked to people who were also diagnosed with Tourette’s, and those I talked with said that they don’t suffer the physical, very uncomfortable tension and anxiety that I experience along with the tics.

I was also diagnosed with OCD at the age of 26, about 20 years after the beginning of my obsessions and compulsions (such as turning right three times and then turning left three times, turning lights on and off and many more). All my physical compulsions are gone at this point, and tics are less severe, but still bad enough to cause me physical distress all through the day, every day.

CHRONIC STRESS harms the body in various ways. We are just not meant to be too stressed for too long.

“This makes me worry that every subsequent relationship will be met with this issue. My constant compulsion to seek reassurance is the only thing that makes me feel momentarily safe. CBT was helpful to learn about my family issues, but never remotely helped my obsessions and compulsions related to my health anxiety“-

-no matter all the healing I experienced, I still suffer from tics. It may very well be a permanent damage. Or maybe I don’t have enough years to allow all possible healing to take place. Repeating the Serenity Prayer helps me: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

I hope to talk more with you about all of this, so much to talk about…?

anita

Hi Stacy

Wow, to hear that you have so many conditions from childhood. You’ve been through so much!

Anxiety can definitely close your throat. Ever heard of that saying of a frog in your throat? It can make it hard to speak and be squeaky when you do. I’ve had that happen to me too. But I would say that it feels different from my other choking experiences. It compels me to clear my throat to make it better and doesn’t make me cough. It doesn’t stop me from breathing either.

As soon as you were diagnosed with EOE they should have tested you for food allergies. For people with asthma it’s often related to food allergies, so you’re right on the money about it being an autoimmune condition. I would guess that if you have difficulty with managing your autoimmune condition it might cause a flare up of EOE too.

EOE can also be triggered by GERD. So you did a really good job figuring out those acidic triggers. You really do have a lot going on with all of the conditions intertwined. I would imagine that it’s frustrating and difficult for you.

I was thinking and your feeling of being safer with milkshakes made me think. Do you feel safer with liquids? And softer foods (I’m thinking mashed potatoes here). How is it you usually eat potatoes?

If that is the case you could potentially eat other foods as long as they’re not a trigger? If they were prepared in the right way? For example, soups blended to have no lumps or anything that mashes smoothly. Perhaps a blender could be good here too? Are there any texture triggers that make you feel more afraid or less?

One thing I was told to do was try and take a drink of water to clear the choking sensation. Is this something that helps you at all?

Since you have GERD I also wonder if you might potentially experience laryngospasms too as they are related to GERD?

I think you’ve done a great job taking care of yourself with these issues. You might not realise how well you’ve done. But you’re trying really hard to make your life easier.

That’s incredibly distressing that you experience these issues daily. If my questions about health bother you, please ask me to stop. I really just wish that there was something that could make your life a little easier.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Dear Stacy:

In this post, I will not mention your health challenges, although the mention of suffocation will come up once, in a different context from your health issues. I understand your anxiety and panic inclinations, so please read the following at your own pace, stop whenever you want to stop, take your time and reply to me only if you want to, and only to parts you feel comfortable  to address.

I read your most recent posts and then I read parts of your previous posts.  Here is the key sentence for me, standing out from all that you shared:

“I just want to feel like a woman, a capable woman“.

This is what you need more than anything, the one solution to all the problems that are plaguing you: you need to become a capable woman.

A mother is her child’s most important person in the whole wide world. About your mother: “I also see that she is physically and financially incapable“.

“I also see that she is physically and financially incapable of a lot of things she wants to do and it suffocates me“- you’ve been needing her to be capable so that you can breathe. You’ve needed her to be capable as much as you need air.

Continued quote from above: “It makes me feel hopeless for her and for me“- You need her to become capable so that you (a part of her, an enmeshed part) can become capable.

“My therapist said years ago that I do indeed struggle with family enmeshment and I try to work through this but living here I think hinders me from separating at all…  I don’t feel like I get to have my own adult life or sense of identity outside of her“-

– waiting for your mother to become capable will be a forever wait. To become a capable woman yourself, you need to separate you from her.. to no longer be enmeshed with/ loyal to her incapability.

“I found refuge in my ex.. (in) his parents… upper middle class“- your perceived refuge: a new, safe, upper middle class home where you will finally be allowed to grow up and become a capable woman.

“I know this relationship was also a form of escapism because as soon as I come home from my job, I see my mom sitting on the couch all day long in pain and self-wallowing, and the septic tank repair bill..“- you need to escape your house.

“I’ve never moved out of the house or had my own separate life outside of her.. No wonder I’m mourning so many losses with him. It seems like money issues and repairs constantly keep us stuck in a hole“-

– he was, in your mind, your one and only way to move out of your house/ family of origin, for the first time in your life. Except that if you did move out and lived with him/ his parents, (1) you’d still be enmeshed with your mother, still feeling guilty, still stuck in the Guilt and Enmeshment hole. (2) living with him/ his parents.. would have been a different kind of hole, an upper middle class hole, the one he is currently living in.

“I don’t want to abandon her“- if you moved out, you will not be abandoning her: there is no real-life togetherness between you and her to abandon (“My mom watches Gunsmoke all day and tunes me out“). The togetherness is in your own mind, a wishful thinking of a child.

“I know I have to live my own life, but the guilt I’d feel from that would be horrific“- more horrific than your current struggles?

About your current struggles living at home, you shared in the early hours of today : “No one goes to work or school in my house aside from me… My sister has severe insomnia so she doesn’t have then on a sleep schedule. They stay up until 7-8 am and sleep in all day. In fact as I type this, it is 3:41 am and my sister is arguing with my nephew in the room next to me. So when I need to sleep, the house is loud and chaotic… My mom watches Gunsmoke all day and tunes me out. I don’t get much rest or peace at this house. It’s why I also fantasied and counted the days for when I got to go see my ex… I’m just absolutely tired of living in dysfunction and no discipline or routine. I’m frustrated at my sister for her lack of discipline in her kids because it reminds me of the lack of discipline we got from our mom. I WANTED guidance and rules and routine. I got chaos and isolation back then, and these same themes seem to be replaying in front of me with my sister and her kids now”-

– these same themes are replaying into your current 4th decade of life: chaos and isolation, no guidance, no rules, no routine. What you need is order (not chaos), connectivity/ togetherness (not isolation); you need guidance, rules and routine.

“I will start thinking about some kind of routine I CAN do in the midst of this“- think about a routine you can do away from the midst of this.

“After work, I never want to go home so I usually get myself a soda or just go sit in a parking lot until I know I can’t avoid it any longer“- move out and you will not have to go back there.

“I am still being completely consumed by grief and I’m trying really hard to just make it through each day. Also shock because I keep going back through memories where he’d reassure me unprompted and seemed like I really meant the world to him… they were very understanding to my situation. I’ve never had that in a relationship before“-

– (1) You’ve never had these things growing up/ at home: being assured, understood and valued/ esteemed. (2) You are grieving a fantasy: growing up in a different kind of home. Their home/ your relationship with this guy looks so wonderful to you only because you are looking at it from where you are at, from the disadvantaged position you are living in.

More than anything, you need to become a capable woman. You can do it, one step at a time, with courage, patience and perseverance, and with a resourceful attitude: look for help where it exists and available to you.

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome! “Once they have me and then discard me“-  they shouldn’t have you in a way that makes it possible for them to discard you.

You’ve been giving men something you should not give, something they have no business having. You’ve been giving this guy the role of a parent, putting him on a pedestal (like a child does in regard to a parent), and presenting yourself as a lesser, as a child needing his (parental) support so that you can grow up and become a capable woman.

If you enter a relationship not as a lesser, but as a capable woman (however imperfectly, however self-doubting), with a capable man (a man capable of having a healthy-enough relationship, which the guy was not),  you will not be discardable!

“I’m left feeling like I wasn’t woman enough for them and that I was a child they didn’t take seriously“- you entered relationships as a lesser, as not enough.

“I’m left feeling like I wasn’t woman enough for them and that I was a child they didn’t take seriously“- you entered relationships as an (incapable) child.

“I’m still in complete shock that my ex lied to me about even wanting to stay in contact…  I’m still at square one – just complete denial and inability to accept what’s happened“- I think that the complete quality of what you are experiencing (including the extreme pain, in the title of your thread), has to do with a child (you) being abandoned by a parent (him).

If you perceived the two of you as adults, neither your denial nor your pain would be complete and extreme.

“Today, the 22nd is also the anniversary of the first day we met in person“- it seems like such an important date for the child who met her.. (2nd chance of a) parent for the first time.

“It’s discouraging to know that half of my suffering is due to my own insecure narrative coming up trying to find closure“- I think that in regard to this breakup, more than half of your suffering is due to you entering the relationship like a lesser, a child needing a strong parent.

* If the relationship continued, at one point on, you’d have realized that the emperor (this guy who you admired so much) has no clothes (he does not deserve your admiration).

“It’s also discouraging to know that if I don’t rectify these things in myself, my grief and pain will be for nothing and bleed out onto the next person if they ever come along“-  the rectification and stopping the bleeding need to be about (1) entering a relationship as an equal adult, a capable, and imperfect woman, (2) entering a relationship with a capable and imperfect man.

* I add imperfect here because a young child sees her parent/s as perfect, needing to see them that way, and whatever goes wrong, the child sees it as a consequence of her own imperfection, still holding the parent in the position of perfect. A healthy adult, sees her parents and herself.. and everyone else as imperfect.

“I will look for him in everyone else, and I will tell myself again that I was able to entertain and attract someone of high value but that once I show them love, the chase is over for them and they get bored and turned off by the REAL me“- (1) an abandoned child will desperately look for a parent in everyone she meets, (2) an unloved child believes that she, as well as her love (for her parent), are worthless. (3) the REAL you is worthy and lovable. It’s just that you don’t yet.. really know it, do you?

“And you’re right – my mom doesn’t really try to connect with me… the only connection I want is to be heard by her and I don’t see it “- no efforts to connect with you, no efforts to hear you= no love for you.

It was very, very difficult for me to think that my mother did/ does not love me. WOW! What a concept. But it’s true. And not because I was not worthy of love, but because she was/ is unable.

“I think my mom and I would have a better relationship with each other if I were happier and if she were happier“- she told you repeatedly that only money and health would make her happy, didn’t she? She didn’t tell you that you could make her happy, did she?

“She’s been so annoyed and disappointed in me for how slowly I’m taking this breakup“- you would have taken this breakup much quicker if she loved you.

I am sure she has some caring feelings for her children once in a while… well, I am not sure, I am thinking that likely most mothers do, but the proof, as the saying goes- is in the pudding. If you were a loved child, Stacy, you wouldn’t have entered a romantic relationship as a child desperate for love.

“She needs me to be okay so she can feel okay, and sadly I see myself in that. The enmeshment you mentioned playing out right there“- I think that it is you who have needed her to be okay (which she isn’t and hasn’t) because for many years, as a child, you needed her to be okay enough to love you. On the other hand, she needs you to not bother her.

Like I mentioned above, I couldn’t believe that it was even possible that my mother did not love me. I imagined that she did. I interpreted some of her actions as loving when they were not, or not necessarily so. Similarly, maybe you interpret the fact that she complained about you taking the breakup too slowly as evidence of her love, when truth may be that she simply doesn’t want to be bothered by you mopping around & such.

It is a very, very difficult concept for a child of any age, to think of a parent as unloving. Yet, reality is such that too many parents are indeed unloving. Not because they are evil, not necessarily.. but because they are UNABLE to love, not their children, not anyone (maybe some love their pets, but not people; others may “love” strangers that they admire or characters in the movies or in politics and such.. just not the real people in their lives).

“I definitely don’t have the money to move out still but I’m hoping to get there. I have two part time jobs and they just aren’t cutting it, especially with no health insurance. My medical bills and medication are a problem, on top of constant car repair bills. There are talks of me hopefully getting full time at one of my jobs after December if their budget allows it and I can get health insurance then. This would change my life“-

– I hope that you do get the job, and I hope that there is somehow a way for you to move out sooner. Maybe as a live-in, part time caretaker on an elderly person where you can live in a QUIET home.. your health may improve for that alone! Two days ago, you wrote: “In fact as I type this, it is 3:41 am and my sister is arguing with my nephew in the room next to me. So when I need to sleep, the house is loud and chaotic“- this (being in a loud and chaotic home, not being able to relax/ sleep)  is bad for your health.

“I’m hoping to find a routine outside of this house and also without my sister. She gets hurt if I don’t include her in my plans by myself.“- can you give me a couple of examples of plans you had to do by yourself that your sister felt hurt about?

anita