Hi Helcat

Thank you for both of your thoughtful replies and your suggestions. Since I last posted here, my ex posted a story on October 1st with the Tik Tok star coworker where they visited a local “haunted” asylum. Also, the same pinball machine museum he took me to back in July. I saw on the coworker’s story that they also tagged him, thanking him for taking awesome photos of them for content. I thought this was really hypocritical considering my ex told me on numerous occasions how must he detested people obsessed with posting themselves for vanity and he even thanked me for not being one of those girlfriends who made him take a ton of photos of them for their social media while on dates. The next weekend, the coworker posted several stories of them out at the same science center that my ex and I had visited back in February. We had SUCH a good time there and we often talked about going back as soon as we got the chance. What’s weird is this science center is in my state – not his. They had to travel to my state to visit it. I’m just hurt he can even cross the state border without hurting, let alone revisit these locations we bonded at so recently. I also was scrolling Instagram the other night and saw that he had liked a reel of someone joking saying that they only sleep with people who make them feel like they aren’t good enough. I’ve heard it takes a year to get over a relationship that lasted a year. I’m feeling like this one is gonna take even longer. I think he is getting an incredible high from having social media recognition and in real life attention from someone with 55K followers. Not only that – I learned they have a quick feature in the latest Spider-Man: No Way Home film. No joke, I had to confirm it. I creeped so far back on their profile to see that they can juggle, do sword stunts, play instruments and sing. Pretty much a jack of all trades of entertainment and talent. This rabbit hole I went down was indeed self-sabotage, I’m aware. It’s just very hard for me to accept that I was replaced so swiftly with someone more “impressive” than me. The whole year I dated him, he was so impressed and supportive and seemingly obsessed with MY jobs, MY interests, MY talents. Up until the end, I think anyway. I think it’s reasonable to believe that most people want their significant other to be interested and enthusiastic about their interests, talents, career, etc. But I acknowledge that I allow him to dictate my entire worth about these things and that’s my problem. I kind of worried this whole relationship that he was just dating me because I was there and it was something to stave off his loneliness. Once I filled my purpose to him, he dropped me. Maybe, these are just my theories that are probably rooted in a lot of projection. This is my biggest source of pain right now. My heart is so incredibly heavy with hurt from him with this coworker, even as friends. I can’t figure out how to NOT take someone replacing you personally. It feels so personal.

Also, thank you for saying that I’m allowed to have my feelings and to mourn at my own pace. My friend who has taken a month away from me came back to me over the weekend to check in and she admitted she had to take a month away from me because I was triggering to her own journey. I can understand and respect her need for space and her boundaries, but it was still hurtful to know that I do this to everyone in my life to the point to where they need actual space from me. It’s hard for me to not have another or more positive narrative.

Thank you also for validating my feelings about my ex liking the photos of his old flame/the one that got away. It’s hard for me to have strong boundaries as you know, but it’s even harder when I don’t want to keep someone from being able to have friends. You asked if I pressed him on the matter, and I think that I did… to the best of my ability in that moment.

I basically asked:

1. “Why do you feel the need to go that extra mile and like these types of photos?”

2. “Is there a part of you while liking these photos that hopes she’s gonna take notice?”

3. “You do realize that posting these types of photos is to elicit a sexual response or a certain type of response from people, and that by liking these suggestive photos is you validating that for them?”

4. “Why do you feel the need to give them this kind of attention?”

5. “Can you imagine if I were to start liking gym thirst traps of attractive, muscular men? Since I’ve been dating you, you can go back through my profile and specifically see where I stopped posting sexy photos of myself out of respect for you. But that’s just me and how I do things. I don’t need that validation and attention from other people anymore now that I have it from you.”

His answer to all of these things were him basically trying to say that he was just trying to support his friends/uplift women. “I guess I want to give the attention they are asking for.” Also that he admitted he had wandering eyes but that I had also manifested this to cancel him. I do worry a lot that I may have mishandled how I pressed him and I messed something up. It haunts me because I can’t help but feel like I made him think he had no other option but to throw in the towel right there.

I want to believe that I have a healthy understanding of boundaries and self-awareness like you say. My exes have only made me feel that I was not fair and controlling over them.

Hi Helcat

I know you’re right, I need to unfollow him. I know I won’t ever hear from him again after this. There is also a part of me that worries that if I DON’T unfollow him or do something obviously drastic, he’ll go ahead and do it before me, or he will just further see me as desperate/easily played. This is yet another move that involves worrying about him and not what’s best for me. I know I can’t deal with seeing his content anymore, but also seeing him out regularly with the person he could have lost feelings for me over is showing me how he really feels about me. People say that you don’t need to see that stuff but I think I’m so ridiculous that I need concrete evidence or something because I don’t trust myself. Him ghosting me kind of already proves that he can’t show up for me, but I’ve been telling myself that he just doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore. And yes, him out with this coworker hurts especially more knowing how much more in common they have than we did. I guess… good for him. It also hurts knowing this person has apparently awakened a part inside him that was too afraid to post on social media before. He used to say I inspired him. I do see that he came into this relationship with his own problems already. All I can acknowledge is he has poor communication skills and seems to take the easiest route to every situation.

Also, are you saying that you feel my friend taking a month break from me shows they are not really being a good friend, despite them needing to take care of themselves? I’m just asking because it’s hard for me to accept that two things can be true. Are you saying it’s okay to be hurt that my friend couldn’t show up for me during this time, but I also acknowledge her need to take care of herself?

I think I’ve mentioned it here already but his ex f***boy past always had him feeling a lot of shame about how he had treated women in the past, so he was always trying to prove to himself and everyone else that he was a better person now. I saw a lot of times where he seemed genuinely invested in uplifting women – not in a creepy way at all. Anytime we had these discussions, he’d have even better arguments than I did on the subject and I was always impressed and proud to call him my boyfriend because of this stuff. But maybe you’re right. Maybe he knows when he can turn it on and off to his own advantage and lie about his intentions. It’s too confusing to know regardless, and I hope I never come across such confusion in a partner again. My trust issues are off the charts now.

“I don’t like how he suggested that you made him act like this in an effort to cancel him. He directly blamed you and refused to take responsibility for his own actions.” – He initially took accountability for his actions by saying, “you’re right. I f***ed up.” He apologized to me with no resistance. But then minutes later, he said, “I just feel like you’re always looking for the damning evidence to prove that I’m a bad guy and this was your “haha got you!” moment, like you manifested it.” So that’s what I meant by him claiming I “cancelled” him. I felt that was what he was saying anyway. It’s hard for me because he did take responsibility but then kind of had to throw that other stuff in after it to confuse me. I also agree that for me to feel the need to go through his social media was a big issue. I told myself at the beginning of this relationship that what was meant to come to light to me would be revealed to me with no effort. I guess him sending that video with the female voice at almost midnight the night before our big weekend date was that horrible sign. But I STILL do not feel like my boundary was fair, and I do feel like I overreacted. I hate how sick to my stomach just one “like” makes me feel. I hate social media because of this. But you have a good point that him expressing finding that Tinder match still attractive and being jealous of her really didn’t help his case of things being totally meaningless to him.

“Please don’t compare yourself to others, it’s harmful. You are a uniquely beautiful person.” – thank you. I feel so bad that I’m wasting so much of my life feeling otherwise.

I do think this relationship was a step in a better direction. We both set our standards and expectations early on with no issues, it felt so mature. There was no vagueness, no situationship, no hiding labels. He was so proud to show me off. It’s a shame that I now have more trust issues than I did before. He seemed so incredibly sincere.

Hi Helcat

Sorry for the late response, I have been feeling sick lately and had to leave work early yesterday because of it, something I haven’t done since I had COVID two years ago. I feel like my body is just really not handling anything well lately. As you’ll see from my reply, I think I’m regressing even further ever time I check-in here.

“I feel like this is a common theme in your life, a lot of people are unable to support you in your life because of their own personal issues. It’s really hard when there are so many people that let you down this way in your life. It’s understandable, but it’s also really hard for you who has to deal with a chronic lack of support from friends and family.” — I feel like this makes sense and I see it too because I feel horribly alone despite living with 5 people. I’ve also noticed that my friends who I used to go on girl’s trips with have stopped inviting me with them, and one of my friends even called me to ask me to catsit for her while they went on the week trip recently. I was offended by this because she lives an hour away from me and I have two jobs – how was I supposed to take a week off to do that for her? Also, why wasn’t I even invited? It has been hard to see them post photos in another state having a really good time while I’m stuck without a car and throwing up and crying over this person. I know this is very woe is me.  I just feel really disconnected from everyone and this is the very reason why I reached out and met my ex last year at this time. It feels so unnatural. It’s hard to not feel like I am the common denominator here and that I am the problem.

I still haven’t been able to unfollow him. I am just beginning to feel like my boundary wasn’t worth any of this. It’s like I learned I needed to start setting boundaries but I went too far on the other end out of fear of losing myself again. I feel like losing him was just not worth this pain and loss. I know you say that I need to stop blaming myself but I wish I handled this situation better and in a less reactive state. I didn’t come at him screaming but I came at him as if this was IT and we had nowhere to go from here because I was very stressed and anxious about him giving other women attention. I told him he crossed my boundary and I didn’t know what else to say because it was true in that moment, I saw what he wanted to do when left to his own devices and him changing his behavior would have just felt like him restraining himself against his will. I even told him that. I wish I would have approached him more calmly and told him that it hurt my feelings. Again, though, I have extreme jealousy issues that I don’t think I can remedy at this point. This whole social media jealousy wound I have started in 2018 with my abusive ex and it’s never gotten better.

I went back through our first couple of months of dating texts the other night (my current ex) and he was SO receptive to reassuring my anxieties. He told me he’d never leave me out of nowhere and that he always wanted me to tell him anything that was bothering me. He told me that he would never hide weird kinks from me and that he was into some weird stuff but not like the stuff I found on my ex… and he reassured me he would be open with me about stuff. He told me he knew he had to earn my trust and respect. I think he lost respect for me once things got comfortable and he lost his butterflies/the need for the chase. He’s never been in a serious relationship so maybe that calmness from things actually being healthy and normal made him start feeling like something was wrong and he got bored? Or maybe my check-ins made him start getting bored and anxious. I feel awful at the fact that I deteriorated his mental health. I realize we have to learn lessons with each relationship but I feel like I really fumbled this one. Since I was his first serious girlfriend, he probably can brush this one off, but I have been been through enough relationships to know that this one was really different and special. It kills me to think that I may have messed up what was meant to work out for me.

I’m hearing what you are saying. I just feel really bad about still basically being stuck in the denial stage of this grief. I can’t even wrap my head around it still.

Hi Helcat

Thank you, I did feel a little better at work today, sickness wise. Also thank you so much for the reassurance that I can always come here to express my feelings. It’s been really hitting me lately that it’s no wonder I miss my ex so much, I really don’t have any friends who I don’t feel will be turned off by my negativity and difficulty anymore. I understand everyone has their limit though, and he eventually did too.

I still feel like what happened was my fault and I don’t deserve better, unfortunately. All day at work my brain just kept replaying his words, “I guess it was wandering eyes… ” “I guess I fell for the visuals…” “Maybe?” (in response to me asking him if he just didn’t feel romantically towards me) OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I can’t stop this loop in my head.  “It doesn’t matter if he lost interest because you put too many expectations on him and he realized he couldn’t/didn’t want to meet them anymore, or if he wouldn’t have wanted long-term commitment in general – he literally admitted to you he lost PHYSICAL attraction to you and got bored! Humiliating! And he slept and flirted with you through knowing this til the end.” — That has been my internal dialogue today too. I do not think I could have chosen any better than I did with him, I saw no signs of avoidant behavior for several months, not until the breakup. To finally have someone show up for me and match my effort was insane. I don’t think it can get better than it was until something messed us up. I can’t help but feel I have some fault in why his feelings changed for me so drastically. It makes me really doubt my ability to ever choose better in the future.

Do you have any more thoughts about the denial stage of grief that you’re experiencing? — I’m just still in complete disbelief and denial about everything negative about him. My brain cannot fathom that he was ever manipulative, sexist, using me, or lying to me consciously. I can’t believe that he was a porn and weed addict, or that he chose these things over me in the end. I’m in denial about his words of reassurance and feelings for me, even after the breakup by saying how much I meant to him and how he couldn’t live without me/he wanted to stay best friends and how he said we’d get through this and figure it out together. Yet I’ve been ghosted for over a month. Clearly he’s relieved but it’s hard to accept that. It’s just really hard to process he was so detached. He seemed so proud of us as a team. I’m also still having a very hard time accepting he lost attraction for me. That makes me feel so sick to my stomach, so embarrassed and so used. He had me convinced he was healed from his player past entirely. It’s almost at the 2 month mark for the breakup already. But if he actually just lost attraction to me because of immature and shallow reasons and led me on, I shouldn’t give him so much grace because that’s cruel. I read somewhere today that if someone dumps you by blaming themselves and letting you down easily, they believe they are better than you and can do better than you. I’ve done it before myself at like… 20 years old and I broke up with the person as soon as I realized I was not into it the way they were. I’m just sad that he is almost 32 and had to learn this lesson with me at our age.

Also, thank you in regards to the thing about my friends leaving me out again. They all have very stable lives, very well paying jobs with husbands and babies and mortgages so they just cannot relate to my single and broke drama anymore. These are friends I’ve had since basically 2003/middle school. They invited me to their Halloween party next weekend and I have to work but if I can get off in time, I’m still debating on going or not. I don’t want to sabotage what I have left of them, but I felt really disconnected from them at our last get together.