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Falling out of love

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  • #409333
    thosedays
    Participant

    I had my first relationship that lasted 4 years which I put lot of efforts and contributed the most, she was also the person who I loved, and we turned it into a relationship.  Things when wrong and eventually, we broke up. The heartbreak was severe, I can’t describe the pain just that I was very vulnerable that time, anything bad happen will trigger my emotional breakdown, plus I have no one to talk to. Right after the broke up, I met my current girlfriend.

    In the beginning, I wasn’t that kind of love my girlfriend, maybe because I wanted to fill the void or maybe the heartbreak or maybe it was just for companion. Regardless, deep down, I told myself to give it a try.  So we move into the relationship very fast. I would say the odd feeling is “ I wanna give a try VS I made a wrong mistake”, this kind of mixed feeling is like I know I am making mistake of moving the relationship too fast while I feel I wanna retain this relationship.

    All this while, we matched almost every aspect of life. The relationship works fine, I loved the peacefulness. Except after years of trying (2 years relationship), I still can’t find she is my type. It was the same problem at the beginning. I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is. I really hate myself. Is like, I am losing all the direction, I don’t understand myself nor who to love. It’s weird and the guilt inside me is overwhelming, it’s like I build a wonderful memory and at the end I must destroy it.

    I know many of you may tell me to be honest with her, Yes I will. For those years of trying, I know the time has come. But before that, I wanna ask the tinybuddha communities here, fyi I’m in mid 30s.

    Should I not look into whether she is my type but rather focus on her gf/wifey material, or I have to keep searching?

    Whoever that read my story and give me comments, I really appreciate your time and your kindness.

    Cheers everyone and have a nice day!

     

    #409348
    anita
    Participant

    Dear thosedays:

    “All this while, we matched almost every aspect of life. The relationship works fine, I loved the peacefulness. Except after years of trying (2 years relationship), I still can’t find she is my type“-

    -One’s type does not mean a good match, it means that something about the person (one’s type) awakens a feeling in a man, a longing, an excitement… something from long ago, like the way a child feels happy seeing the green grass and sun shining, it all feels so new and exciting. I personally know a man your age whose type has led him to a series of failed relationships, failure after failure, and yet, he keeps searching for his type, ending up alone.

    “I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is”- but you don’t have to force yourself to appreciate and respect her, do you? I value genuine appreciation and respect way more than I value the automatic, subconscious feelings involved with one’s type.

    I don’t understand myself nor who to love“- if a man’s type happens to be a good match, then excellent. If a man’s type happens to be a mismatch, then if a man pursues his type forevermore, he is doomed. If this is the case, better let go of type, and focus on love as deep, genuine appreciation and respect.

    Back to the man I know irl: his type is a bossy woman, that’s the type of woman that wakes up his passion, his excitement, his desire.. but he ends up suffering each time. Should he keep going after his type, or should he… consider a woman who is a good match for him: what do you think?

    Should I not look into whether she is my type but rather focus on her gf/wifey material, or I have to keep searching?“- if you want to get married and your type is not a wife material. better look for a wife material. And if you found it in your girlfriend, then.. there it is.

    I know many of you may tell me to be honest with her“- be honest with yourself: are you willing and able to be faithful to a woman who is a good match for you, even though she is not your type? If you are and you can, don’t tell her that she is not your type- that will hurt her feelings. Tell her that she is your idea or ideal of a wife-material, she would like to hear that very much, I imagine.

    anita

     

    #409379
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear thosedays,

    was your previous girlfriend, the one with whom you spent 4 years together, your type?

    As anita said, our “type” is often influenced by our childhood. It can be a person who reminds us of one or our parents, or a person who is the opposite of one of our parents. The resemblance can be in physical looks or in their character and temperament.

    I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is.

    It may be that the person really isn’t good for us, even though they are a good and honest person, and there is nothing wrong with them. But it can also be that you are looking for “infatuation”, for the strong feelings of excitement, longing, of wanting to merge with the other person… which may actually come from a childhood wound.

    For example, we may long to be loved by someone who is emotionally unavailable, who has problems expressing love… and so we end up hurting needlessly. If we realize that this is our weakness, we can stop longing for unavailable people and start being attracted to available people, to those who can actually give us love.

     

    #409384
    thosedays
    Participant

    Dear anita

    One’s type does not mean a good match, it means that something about the person (one’s type) awakens a feeling in a man, a longing, an excitement… something from long ago, like the way a child feels happy seeing the green grass and sun shining, it all feels so new and exciting. I personally know a man your age whose type has led him to a series of failed relationships, failure after failure, and yet, he keeps searching for his type, ending up alone.

    if the child seeing the green grass and sun shinning, he feels happy, then when he grows up, should he stop seeing the green grass and sun shinning and pursue something else?

    I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is”- but you don’t have to force yourself to appreciate and respect her, do you? I value genuine appreciation and respect way more than I value the automatic, subconscious feelings involved with one’s type.

    What is the linkage between love and appreciate & respect? I do appreciate and respect her and had never mistreated her.

    I don’t understand myself nor who to love“- if a man’s type happens to be a good match, then excellent. If a man’s type happens to be a mismatch, then if a man pursues his type forevermore, he is doomed. If this is the case, better let go of type, and focus on love as deep, genuine appreciation and respect.

    I agreed. a good type comes with years of experience, knowing what you want in the relationship.

    Back to the man I know irl: his type is a bossy woman, that’s the type of woman that wakes up his passion, his excitement, his desire.. but he ends up suffering each time. Should he keep going after his type, or should he… consider a woman who is a good match for him: what do you think?

    – I know what you are trying to portrayed here. The man you mentioned comes with a very bad prerequisite towards relationship. Just like the old saying, man always likes bad woman, verse versa. As you mentioned early on, a good type comes with a good match, worth to pursue?

    Should I not look into whether she is my type but rather focus on her gf/wifey material, or I have to keep searching?“- if you want to get married and your type is not a wife material. better look for a wife material. And if you found it in your girlfriend, then.. there it is.

    – yes i have to agreed, partially. get married with missing pieces? will that missing pieces reappeared or disappeared as i get older?

    I know many of you may tell me to be honest with her“- be honest with yourself: are you willing and able to be faithful to a woman who is a good match for you, even though she is not your type? If you are and you can, don’t tell her that she is not your type- that will hurt her feelings. Tell her that she is your idea or ideal of a wife-material, she would like to hear that very much, I imagine.

    – totally agreed with this.

    Thanks for the input and really appreciate it. I hope I don’t sound rebellious, I am trying to seek more opinions and views from internet.

     

    #409385
    thosedays
    Participant

    Dear Tee

    Yes, the previous gf who i spent 4 years was my type.

    Understand what you are trying to say, it’s like soccer is shooting the ball without a goal. I am loving someone that doesn’t exist.

    Should I give up searching and remains where I am now?

    Thanks for the input Tee.

    Have a nice day!

    #409391
    anita
    Participant

    Dear thosedays:

    if the child seeing the green grass and sun shining, he feels happy, then when he grows up, should he stop seeing the green grass and sun shining and pursue something else?– he should stop pursuing the appearance of green grass and shining sun and instead, pursue the real green grass and shining sun.

    I will use your words of less than two hours ago (in reply to another member) as an example: “If a relationship is built based on words of promises“, and you believe those promises, ex., the woman promises to make you her #1,  and based on this promise, you stick around while she insults you, ignores your messages for hours or days, etc…  then you should stop pursuing the appearances of what her promise entails (the good feelings you had as a child when you imagined that your family will finally make you #1, instead of last).

    What is the linkage between love and appreciate & respect?“- there is no love where there is no appreciation and respect. There may be feelings that appear, or feel-like love (desire, a longing) without appreciation and respect, but these desires & longings are old unmet needs that creep into the present time.

    Get married with missing pieces? Will that missing pieces reappeared or disappeared as I get older?– most people enter adulthood with missing pieces from childhood, and all their lives they try to fill in those missing pieces, all in vain and at a great cost and a great loss. Missing pieces from childhood need to be accepted as a done-deal, and grieved.

    Thanks for the input and really appreciate it. I hope I don’t sound rebellious“- you are welcome. You are not rebellious because I am not an authority figure. I am just another member here, like you.

    anita

     

    #409392
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear thosedays,

    you’re very welcome.

    Should I give up searching and remains where I am now?

    Well, I think you should first heal the emotional wounds that caused you “severe heartbreak” and “emotional breakdown” after your first girlfriend broke up with you. (I assume she broke up with you, right? Because you were the one who suffered immensely afterwards…)

    When we have such a strong reaction, being debilitated by pain (I can’t describe the pain just that I was very vulnerable that time, anything bad happen will trigger my emotional breakdown), it means that your feeling of self-love was very weak or non-existent. And when your girlfriend broke up with you, you probably felt not just unloved but also unlovable.

    Your girlfriend was maybe meeting some of your emotional needs, and when she left you, you might have suddenly felt like a child all alone in the world, with no one to give him what he needs, no one to take care of him. Does any of this ring true?

    You said that after the breakup, you had no one to talk to. Which means that you don’t have a strong support system, consisting of family and friends, and you probably very much depended on your girlfriend to give you what you need. Without her, you might have felt lost.

    If any of this rings true, I think your priority should be to heal those emotional wounds, i.e. meet those unmet childhood needs, before you start looking for another partner, or commit to your current girlfriend. I would start working on myself before changing anything in my current relationship.

     

    #409407
    thosedays
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    he should stop pursuing the appearance of green grass and shining sun and instead, pursue the real green grass and shining sun

    – See, the core value is still there. green grass and shining sun, not go the other way round; sunset and beautiful night stars. For appearance to real, yes, as a child we used to visualize, and when we grows up, we make it materialized.

    I will use your words of less than two hours ago (in reply to another member) as an example: “If a relationship is built based on words of promises“, and you believe those promises, ex., the woman promises to make you her #1,  and based on this promise, you stick around while she insults you, ignores your messages for hours or days, etc…  then you should stop pursuing the appearances of what her promise entails (the good feelings you had as a child when you imagined that your family will finally make you #1, instead of last).

    – This phrase sound to me more to generalizing based on your experience. What do you mean I believe? I don’t believe promises but rather practicality. The idea behind this  “If a relationship is built based on words of promises“, if a relationship is built without fundamentally understand a person, the relationship may not work. I assume you are referring to my ex when promises were to maintain the relationship. Unfortunately it is not. How I was being in the relationship with my ex was she was my type , no promises, we were being realistic towards life.

    “What is the linkage between love and appreciate & respect?“- there is no love where there is no appreciation and respect. There may be feelings that appear, or feel-like love (desire, a longing) without appreciation and respect, but these desires & longings are old unmet needs that creep into the present time.

    – that’s why one shall pursue that is right to him ? – reflecting to old unmet needs that creep into the present time.

    Get married with missing pieces? Will that missing pieces reappeared or disappeared as I get older?– most people enter adulthood with missing pieces from childhood, and all their lives they try to fill in those missing pieces, all in vain and at a great cost and a great loss. Missing pieces from childhood need to be accepted as a done-deal, and grieved.

    – what is the method or the cost to achieve this : childhood need to be accepted as a done-deal, by filling in the missing piece ? It’s like I go to see a doctor when I got fever, the doctor tells me : you will be fine kid, everyone gets the fever. And without tell me to stay healthy, to take more fruit and exercise to boost my immune system.

    cheers,

    #409408
    thosedays
    Participant

    Dear Tee

    Well, I think you should first heal the emotional wounds that caused you “severe heartbreak” and “emotional breakdown” after your first girlfriend broke up with you. (I assume she broke up with you, right? Because you were the one who suffered immensely afterwards…)

    – You are right. I move to a relationship too fast. I’ve had some read up on other articles, I’m kinda like having a rebound relationship right now. I should have healed myself after the broke up, that way I can move to a relationship more sensibly. Yes, She broke up with me, everything ended amiably.

    When we have such a strong reaction, being debilitated by pain (I can’t describe the pain just that I was very vulnerable that time, anything bad happen will trigger my emotional breakdown), it means that your feeling of self-love was very weak or non-existent. And when your girlfriend broke up with you, you probably felt not just unloved but also unlovable.

    – Thank you for pointing out. After some times and recollected those days, I was aware of these; weak self love and self worth. You’re absolutely right.

    Your girlfriend was maybe meeting some of your emotional needs, and when she left you, you might have suddenly felt like a child all alone in the world, with no one to give him what he needs, no one to take care of him. Does any of this ring true?

    You said that after the breakup, you had no one to talk to. Which means that you don’t have a strong support system, consisting of family and friends, and you probably very much depended on your girlfriend to give you what you need. Without her, you might have felt lost.

    If any of this rings true, I think your priority should be to heal those emotional wounds, i.e. meet those unmet childhood needs, before you start looking for another partner, or commit to your current girlfriend. I would start working on myself before changing anything in my current relationship.

    – It is true. Working on myself is going to be a very painful process. I wanna be firm on my position right now and decide which path I should go. It’s gonna be brutal to myself  🙁

     

    #409411
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear thesedays,

    it seems you feel that you should make your decision now, immediately, whether to break up with her, or stay:

    For those years of trying, I know the time has come. … I wanna be firm on my position right now and decide which path I should go.

    What causes that urgency? Is she expecting you to commit? Or your environment is (e.g. family’s expectations to get married, things like that)?

    I would like to ask (you don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it): what do you feel is missing from your current relationship? You said your relationship is “peaceful”. But there is something missing… Do you know what it is?

     

    #409412
    thosedays
    Participant

    Good day Tee,

    Deep down, there is always this one nagging inner voice that keeps pushing me to make the decision. The amount of guilt is affecting my mental state. It comes to the point where I need to make peace to my life. You’re right, family’s expectation somewhat adds on more weight.

    I’ve asked the right question, Tee. I’ve been foreseeing if I happen to lose her, how devastated I will be. And I have a mixed feeling about it, somehow I feel is like more to attachment than love.

    Let me ask, if I could, you a question. If you’re in my shoes, how do you move forward?

    #409413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear thosedays:

    I re-read all your posts and realized that my replies to you so far- although they may be applicable for someone else reading your thread- they are not applicable to you because you already decided to break up with her. Your struggle is not about staying-or-breaking up with her; it is rather about feeling guilty over starting the relationship to begin with, then maintaining it for 2 years… only to break up with her, and perhaps break her heart.

    The title you chose for your thread: Falling out of love. In your original post, you wrote: “After years of trying (2 years relationship), I still can’t find she is my type. It was the same problem at the beginning“-  she was never your type, so you didn’t fall out of love; you didn’t fall in love with her to begin with.

    I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is.  I really hate myself…the guilt inside me is overwhelming… The amount of guilt is affecting my mental state“- you already came to the realization that you can’t force yourself to love her, so breaking up is the only solution. It’s the guilt that bothers you, so and you want to lessen it; better get rid of it, right?

    Following the breakup of your 4-years love relationship, your “heartbreak was severe“, and you had “no one to talk to“, and so, heartbroken with no one to talk to,  you quickly entered a relationship with your current girlfriend, to “fill the void“. You knew you were making a mistake but you told yourself “to give it a try“.

    For those years of trying, I know the time has come“- the time has come to break up with her.

    I suggest that first thing to do is to not use her anymore to fill your void. Sincerely apologize to her for having used her this way and offer to pay her to attend weekly quality psychotherapy for about 6 months, so that she can process what had happened. I’d say that a sincere, thorough apology and paying for her to attend therapy should alleviate your guilt. What do you think?

    anita

    #409415
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear thesedays,

    Deep down, there is always this one nagging inner voice that keeps pushing me to make the decision. The amount of guilt is affecting my mental state.

    You feel guilty for not being honest with her, for stringing her along while you don’t really love her the way she loves you?

    I’ve been foreseeing if I happen to lose her, how devastated I will be. And I have a mixed feeling about it, somehow I feel is like more to attachment than love.

    If you feel like it’s more of an attachment, it probably means that you feel she is meeting some of your needs, but there is still something missing… Would you like to answer – what do you feel is missing?

    If you’re in my shoes, how do you move forward?

    I cannot really tell you, at least not yet, because I know very little about your situation. Maybe we can explore things here a bit more, or you can go to counseling, so you could understand yourself better.

    But what I see is that guilt is present, and self-hatred is present (I really hate myself). Also, it seems that you don’t really know yourself that well (I don’t understand myself nor who to love.) In order to understand yourself better, you would need to know what your needs are, what your values are, your goals and dreams…

    The problem is, if you have been living a life of conforming to other people’s expectations, and feeling unworthy and unlovable the way you are…. then you’d need to learn how to love and value yourself first. This would be task No1: to heal those core wounds.

    I don’t know how open your current girlfriend is to you digging deeper into yourself? To going on a self-discovery quest, so to speak? Would she support you in that, or she wouldn’t understand?

     

    #409420
    thosedays
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sorry for the confusion.

    It’s a good suggestion from your end. Having relationship therapy together.

    Before that, I will have to go through a self assessment session with clinical phycologist to understand more about myself like Tee said.

    Reason I created this thread was to gather more opinions or experiences.

    I wonder if people out there have the same dilemma like me, If choose to stay then they will remove all the “type thing” and just focus and commit a relationship, or a married relationship.

    If choose to leave, pursuing what is right for them, how satisficed and fulfilled  they are.

    Just out of my curiosity.

     

    #409423
    thosedays
    Participant

    Hi Tee

    You feel guilty for not being honest with her, for stringing her along while you don’t really love her the way she loves you?

    – You’re right. 

    If you feel like it’s more of an attachment, it probably means that you feel she is meeting some of your needs, but there is still something missing… Would you like to answer – what do you feel is missing?

    – Good Question there.

    But what I see is that guilt is present, and self-hatred is present (I really hate myself). Also, it seems that you don’t really know yourself that well (I don’t understand myself nor who to love.) In order to understand yourself better, you would need to know what your needs are, what your values are, your goals and dreams…

    – This is very true. I am planning to have a self assessment with a experienced clinical psychologist to dive into my inner child and see what is missing. 

    The problem is, if you have been living a life of conforming to other people’s expectations, and feeling unworthy and unlovable the way you are…. then you’d need to learn how to love and value yourself first. This would be task No1: to heal those core wounds

    Very true. You seem to have a very good in dept level of understanding one’s cognition. We can have some private conversation if you dont mind 🙂 perhaps shed some light on my situation. Good to have someone to talk to. Just an idea, please ignore if you are not comfortable 🙂

    I don’t know how open your current girlfriend is to you digging deeper into yourself? To going on a self-discovery quest, so to speak? Would she support you in that, or she wouldn’t understand?

    – I can’t really tell but i believe she will be supportive.

     

     

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