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Family & Graduation & Moving out

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  • #91918
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m in my final year of university and will be graduating soon. I have a very supportive partner, who I can see myself with for a long time. However, I’m feeling very anxious as I’m not sure what’s going to happen after graduation. I am beginning to apply for jobs, but want to move away from home and live with friends. I have a lot of pressure from my family to move back home. I don’t like being at home and I feel stuck and suffocated. I have a religious family and my mother has forced me to date other men. I was even forced to sleep with one of the men I went on a date with. After my mother found out I had depression and was in therapy, she still made me go out with this man again. My mother makes plans with other people about me without consulting me. I am no longer a child and will not choose my partner based on who she chooses. Sometimes she told me we were going to one place and ended up in another place where a man was waiting for me. I feel very badly because the men she chooses for me don’t even know that I’m not interested and I have a partner of my own. She chooses them because they are wealthy. Of course, I tell them (the guys) but I am threatened of being cut off of the family and finances by my mother. I am an educated young woman, of course I will choose a good partner who is financially stable, but I refuse to marry for money. I want to only be married once to the love of my life and build a life with that person. Am I wrong? My family has supported me financially, but I’ve had to figure everything else on my own like going to college and getting through it.

    I never had a close relationship with my father. When I was younger, my father physically and verbally abused me and my siblings. My father still verbally abuses my mother. He uses intimidation and physical violence to gain control. I am afraid of him. A child shouldn’t fear for their life from a parent. Growing up was hard because I could never talk to my parents about anything important i.e. my period, when I liked someone, when I wanted a friend to come over, or even go out to spend time with friends. My mother lied to cover up for me saying I was in school or doing homework, so I could spend a few hours with friends.

    I hate being at home. Going away to college was the best thing that happened to me. I was free to wear, eat, and do as I wanted. I could see my friends, try out a party, and even meet some nice guys. I’ve been very lucky to have dated nice people, of course I’ve met some men who were only interested in a friend of benefits type of deal etc. I am home for a few days visiting my family and my mother has told me that I will be moving back in after graduation and I can work from home. My father just asked me to go to school near where I live after I graduate. The thing is that: I DON’T WANT TO. I want to find work and move on and be independent. I have dreams and want a loving relationship with who I desire. My family will be disappointed no matter what. I’ve never been allowed to make choices for my own.I want to go into the world, travel, build new relationships, and find who I am. I do not want to stay home. Ever since I came home the only thing I’ve wanted is to go back. I’m developing a lot of anxiety because I don’t want to come back home and I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life right now.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Annie.
    • This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Annie.
    #91926
    Snails
    Participant

    Dear Annie,

    You ask ‘Am I wrong’? Trust your self ! You are making very good choices, the very BEST choices, for your life and happiness. Your mother is not good at making good choices!, she is Not thinking about you having a good, healthy, happy, Balanced life…her thoughts on life are that as long as your physical needs are met (things money can buy) you are to be happy. But you are so much more sensible and know that isn’t so!

    I don’t even know your mother and I am angry (and I have never felt angry here on TB) with her and her bad decisions ! -‘After my mother found out I had depression and was in therapy, she still made me go out with this man again’… am I even reading this right?? She knew but still wanted you to go on another date with such a vile man, that could do that to you??. She knew? Have I miss understood?? Imagine what life would be like to marry such a ‘man’! you can imagine but she can not…her thinking is so off! you know this in your heart?. Even if she didn’t know the part about him forcing himself onto you, the very fact you didn’t want to go on another date should of been honored by her!, Any date with anyone!

    Sometimes it is hard to break free and start living your own life, sometimes guilt can make it hard. Guilt at wanting the chance of a happy life? to chose your own path? So guilty and controlled you were made to go on another ‘date’

    You have been been given this guilt and control by your parents – give it back to your parents. Remind yourself Always you are so very capable, and you are making the best decisions for your own life.

    Your idea to live with friends, is a wonderful plan! You are having such a great time at Uni and making your life so good for yourself. You are making such lovely decisions weighing up people, choosing good friends and boyfriend, who is so support!.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Snails.
    #91940
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    This is what I read in your first paragraph: “I have a religious family and my mother has forced me to date other men. I was even forced to sleep with one of the men I went on a date with. After my mother found out I had depression and was in therapy, she still made me go out with this man again…Sometimes she told me we were going to one place and ended up in another place where a man was waiting for me…She chooses them because they are wealthy…I am threatened of being cut off of the family and finances by my mother.”

    I don’t know how to write this… let me see: your mother forces you to have sex with wealthy men with threats.

    This is what you wrote. In other words, your mother is pimping you, prostituting you.

    Poor Annie, and you don’t see this to be so very, very wrong…? Poor Annie, I am so sorry.

    I am speechless. I didn’t read the rest of your post because I can’t get over the first paragraph.

    “Family, Graduation and Moving Out” is the title. Do move out and fast!

    (This may be a crime, what she is doing…)

    Leave!

    I suggested you leave before I read about THIS. But you said you don’t want to give up the material benefits at “home” – this was months ago.

    Leave!

    anita

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