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Family relationship challenge

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months ago.

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  • #332289

    happyme1
    Participant

    I am facing serious family relationship challenge. I have to give up either relation with my wife or children. Any help on how to handle this situation will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    • This topic was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  tinybuddha.
    #332309

    anita
    Participant

    Dear happyme1:

    I don’t understand: you have to give up contact with your wife or your children, having to choose either your wife or your children?

    A few details of your situation will help me understand better.

    anita

    #332329

    happyme1
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Here are the facts.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>1. More than 15 yrs ago I decided to get separated  from my wife the due to her having exta marital affair.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>2. I have two daughters from that marriage.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>3. About 10 yrs. ago I got remarried.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>4. Since about a year relationship between my wife and daughters are not good.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>4. My elder daughter is getting married 5his year and does not want my wife (her step-mom) to be part of it at all.</p>
    5. My wife has treated them like her own kids and feels very hurt.

    6. She told me that during the wedding ceremony if they humiliate her then she is going to walk out.

    7. I am willing to walkout with her too. In thus case my relationship my daughter will cease.

    8. If I do not walkout with her then my relationship with my wife will cease.

     

    Very stressed on this situation and need your words of wisdom on how to handle it.  Thank you.

     

    Regards

     

     

    #332347

    anita
    Participant

    Dear happyme1:

    I wish this was not your situation, and I know you wish it wasn’t. But then, there it is, a big “family relationship challenge”.

    Possibilities:

    1. Suggest to your daughter who is getting married to join you and your wife in a family therapy/ counseling session aimed at resolving the biggest conflict that exists between your wife and your daughter.

    2. If indeed your wife has not been disrespectful or otherwise abusive to your older daughter (or to the younger one), I think that you should support your wife and side with her. Let your older daughter know that you want to show up to the wedding with your wife, and that you will not attend the wedding without your wife.

    3. If your older daughter still does not want your wife in her wedding, and if you are not paying for her wedding, I suppose it is your older daughter’s right to choose who attends her wedding. In that case, I suggest that you tell your daughter that you still want contact with her outside her wedding, that you want to visit her in some context (without your wife), perhaps for coffee in mid day from time to time.

    And post again if you want further communication with me.

    anita

    #332369

    happyme1
    Participant

    Anita –

    Thank you very much for your reply.

    1. Very slim chance for this to happen

    2. I agree.

    3. WIll try.

    My life all of a sudden seems VERY long!!!

    GOD HELP ME.

    #332371

    anita
    Participant

    Dear happyme1:

    You are welcome. I don’t know a whole lot about your situation and what led to it. I do hope that the situation can be helped, that it can get better. (if I know more.. maybe, possibly,  I will be able to suggest something else that is useful).

    anita

    #332433

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi happyme1,

    Weddings are notoriously charged events. That is what Ushers are for. In a good ceremony the Ushers will show people to their seats and be the buffer in certain situations. One Usher can be in charge of “handling” the stepmother. He goes over, tells her she looks great, introduces her to new people, leads her away from noxious relatives, etc.

    During my wedding ceremony, there was plenty of drama, but none came from me. If my father left in a huff with my stepmother I honestly wouldn’t have noticed or have had time to care. A bride spends all her energy greeting people at the reception or getting her dress on in the backroom of the church.

    What I would do is lead her down the aisle AND/OR show up and quietly sit in the back with your wife. Have the father daughter dance at the reception. Pay the minister. Slip the groom some cash for the honeymoon. All the traditional father stuff. Then quietly leave.

    Don’t get in a battle with these emotionally charged women. Say to both: “Yes, dear”.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Inky.
    #332439

    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Happyme1,

    I have been in a similar situation… I feel your anguish… My choice was to support my new relationship… I felt that my daughter was trying to blackmail me to get me to do what she thought I should do.. she always supported her mother… and still does to this day… I showed up, did my “duty” and my wife and I left out as quickly as we could… but I made sure that I expressed my choices to my daughter beforehand… to tell her that my life is now rooted in my wife and my newer relationship… My daughter could participate with my wife and I if she so chose to … but I would not disgrace or embarrass my wife because my daughter was pushing an agenda…

    Good luck… I hope it all goes well for you …

    #332835

    happyme1
    Participant

    Hi Inky and Mark,

    Thank you for your support and suggestions. I can related to your situation you described. It seems that my wife is being crucified (especially by my daughter and family) for the exact actions that my ex-wife did take in past but “not her fault” label is being assigned to her. And that is what bothers/saddens  me a lot.

    Almighty hopefully will give me strength and courage to handle whatever situation arises!!

    Regards

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  happyme1.
    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  happyme1.
    #335222

    happyme1
    Participant

    <div>The more I think about my daughter’s upcoming wedding I am realizing:</div>
    (1) my side of family is surgically kept out of critical rituals.
    (2) Kids are overwhelmingly influenced and acting according to wish of their mother and her side of family.
    (3) kids and their mother are cherry picking items/events that they want their way.
    (4) my side of family will be just spectators at the wedding nothing else.
    (5) It would be then expressed that I ” the father” did not get involved.
    (6) Kids mother who is a culprit presents herself as a victim.

    #335272

    happyme1
    Participant

    hi Inky,

    The more I think about my daughter’s upcoming wedding I am realizing:
    (1) my side of family is surgically kept out of critical rituals.
    (2) Kids are overwhelmingly influenced and acting according to wish of their mother and her side of family.
    (3) kids and their mother are cherry picking items/events that they want their way.
    (4) my side of family will be just spectators at the wedding nothing else.
    (5) It would be then expressed that I ” the father” did not get involved.
    (6) Kids mother who is a culprit presents herself as a victim.

    #335274

    happyme1
    Participant

    hi Mark,

    The more I think about my daughter’s upcoming wedding I am realizing:
    (1) my side of family is surgically kept out of critical rituals.
    (2) Kids are overwhelmingly influenced and acting according to wish of their mother and her side of family.
    (3) kids and their mother are cherry picking items/events that they want their way.
    (4) my side of family will be just spectators at the wedding nothing else.
    (5) It would be then expressed that I ” the father” did not get involved.
    (6) Kids mother who is a culprit presents herself as a victim.

    #335388

    anita
    Participant

    Dear happyme1:

    You wrote earlier: “My wife has treated them like her own kids”- them being your daughters. It just occurred to me that you didn’t write if your wife treated her own kids well or not. Lots of mothers don’t treat their kids well, so when they treat other children the same way, it is not a good thing.

    Maybe your daughter who doesn’t want your wife at her wedding, maybe she has valid complaints. What are her complaints (if you want to share, of course)?

    anita

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