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Fear and trust issues after man cheating on me

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  • #396676
    Jess
    Participant

    Recently I discovered my husband had been cheating on me . He confessed. Our marriage has been difficult due to many things, not always because of us, but of course all those things had some effect in our relationship. Due to quarantine I had to work extra time and there seemed to be less and less time to spend together at home.

    This situation led me to stress, anxiety and other emotional problems. He had lost a member of his family and that also took a toll on him. So we distanced more. Two years after all this he confesses to me that during this time he had had some affairs with people online, but that he confessed this to me because he loved me and wanted to save our marriage. I knew something like this could be happening but didn’t really want to even think about it. When he told it to me I felt my world crashing, that everything I knew about my life was a lie. I felt so lost. I would’ve never thought he could do something like this. I thought we were at least at some level of trust to let me know if he had decided to move on or that he had doubts about us. He knew trust was important for me.

    So, That moment I realized I loved him so much that I tried to understand that he meant no harm and that he was truly sorry, he was just confused and maybe even depressed (when he confessed I saw emotions that he had always tried to hide) and he felt the need to talk with someone, and then it all escalated and got out of control for him. I saw and felt him sincere. So we decided to give our love a second chance. I wanted him to be part of my life, I wanted him to be my husband again.

    Then there was a little problem, because the person he had the affair with was continuing to write to him, trying to get him back. He told me he had no interest in her, but he was sorry he had harmed yet another person so he wanted to be a friend to her to help her move on. This was something I didn’t want to accept. For me it was like it needed to be over, he needed to stop contacting her. He told me he felt the moral need to help her through this, and I was not convinced of this but I accepted it. After that I developed trust issues, I thought many times if his contact with her was purely to help her move on or if he was still kind of attached to this person. I experienced many of the stages of grief. I was angry, I didn’t want to accept it. I felt it was my fault. I felt it was all his fault. I didn’t want him to think my accepting to him continuing talking to her was me “giving him permission” to have “the best of both worlds”. I was so afraid, and a mix of emotions. He noticed all this so we talked about it and he said that my doubts and fears had him thinking it would be better to take some time to think about what he wants in life, and if our paths will cross again then we will be stronger than never. I regretted I had that last talk with him, because I see it like I ruined the little progress he was making towards me.

    I’m trying to take it easy, but I sometimes feel so much fear of losing him. I try to grow and let go of the bad things and I know it’s better to be 100% sure of what you want, and I want a man by my side only if he’s truly committed, but at the moment the things I feel and think don’t always match.

    Any thoughts about it would be appreciated, these are things I don’t feel comfortable talking with the few friends I have and I needed to let it out. Thank you so much.

     

    #396687
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess:

    He had some affairs with people online“- do you mean that his affairs were strictly online, and were those with women he never met?

    Regardless of the answer to the above, he cheated on you by his own admission, and as a result you suffered a lot, and still. After cheating, he told you that he loved you and wanted to save the marriage; you wanted to give your love a second chance, as you put it, figuring that he cheated on you because “he was just confused and maybe even depressed… and he felt the need to talk with someone, and then it all escalated and got out of control for him“.

    Next, a woman with whom he had an affair continued to reach out to him and “he wanted to be a friend to her to help her move on… he felt the moral need to help her through this“, so he did. When he noticed that you were suffering because of his contact with her, he decided… not to end the communication with her, but to end it with you, for now (maybe to resume later): “he said that my doubts and fears had him thinking it would be better to take some time to think about what he wants in life, and if our paths will cross again then we will be stronger than never“.

    I sometimes feel so much fear of losing him… Any thoughts about it would be appreciated” – if what I wrote above is factually true, then no need to fear losing him in the future; you either already lost him or you never had him as a true husband. A true husband would never choose to cause his wife unnecessary suffering by communicating with another woman, particularly one with whom he had an affair! A true husband will feel the “moral need” to alleviate to his wife’s suffering, instead of adding to her suffering.

    Plus, pay attention to what he told you: he wants to take some time “to think about what he wants in life“- meaning that he does not at this time want to be married to you, not in practical terms. And so, he is husband by name only, not really a husband.

    How long have you been married, if you don’t mind me asking and was/ is the affair with this woman (and other women) strictly online (did it involve a sexual exchange of some kind, irl or virtually)?

    anita

    #396693
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Jess

    What he is doing isn’t moral and my concern is that it is a lie. He didn’t hurt her, he hurt you his wife. Any hurt to an “ex-girlfriend” is minor in comparison to what he has done and continues to do to you.

    The moral thing to do is commit to his wife.

    Sadly, there is one other reason why people admit to cheating. When they want out of a relationship and he is already hinting at that.

    It was never your decision whether you get to save your marriage. What you can decide is if you would like to protect yourself.

    #400563
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Jess?

    anita

    #400673
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Jess,

    I hope you are okay.  I have been in relationships where the men cheated on me.  One relationship lasted several years.  In hindsight, I think the only reason it lasted so long was that it took a long time for me to know the real him.

    I was hurt very badly by his cheating and lying though I took him back after the first time.

    I think it’s possible he told you about his affairs because he thought you might find out.  Like you, I felt desperate for the relationship to work out.

    When I caught him out with the second woman (and I suspected there were others – this was confirmed as correct later), he told the second woman that he didn’t want to live if he couldn’t see her.  He also told her that he would need to make contact with me at some point to make amends.  I told her to please NEVER contact me again, that would be best thing he could do for me  and that she was free to have him because I didn’t want him any more.

    He did try to contact me, but I never responded.  I recently found out he died 4 years ago.  I don’t know what he died from.  I know that when he was trying to contact me, he was in ANOTHER relationship with a lovely woman, and after she was hooked in by him  he wasn’t nice to her.

    I’m not glad he’s dead, but I’m glad I got away from him.  I’m happy on my own these days.

    Sorry, but I suspect your husband is a selfish liar.

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