Continued:

Ice on my left shoulder, still hurting, and because it’s hurting, I’m automatically contracting the muscles there, raising my left shoulder, tensing it, twitching it, making it hurt more. Will the pain and pain-cycle ever stop? Will I ever be free from left-shoulder pain??? Or is it forever? I am trying to relax the shoulder, but it keeps going up. It’s the habits of the body, the habits of the brain that are not under the dominion of logic, of.. common sense, which is not at all common when it comes to instinctual responses of body and brain.

We can logic-think.. but we operate like instinctual, logic-less animals.

Ah, the quest of the animal to be god.

Here it is, rising, twitching yet again, while I don’t want it to!

Sh.. sh.. shoulder, calm down.

I posted yesterday while listening to some music. This evening, I will sing (yes), and I will sing in Hebrew just because I feel like it, so here it is: Avir harim tsalool kayayin, veraich oranim, naso nisa leyrooshalaim, bederech yericho. yerushalaim shel zahav, veshel nechoshet veshel or, halolechol sheeiraich, ani kinor.

Translation: the air of the mountains is as pure as wine, and the smell is of pine trees, we are traveling to Jerusalem by way of Jericho. Jerusalem of gold, and of copper and of light, for al of your songs, I am a fiddle. (I am translating my best, not relying on any online source).

anita

Thank you, SadSoul!

anita

Dear Jana:

“How did you get to the U.S.? I mean it had to be very challenging for you to move somewhere unknown… You are very brave!“- thank you for suggesting that I was brave for moving out (alone) of the country of my birth in the Middle East to somewhere unknown at the time (other than on TV, movies), the USA. I want to explore the topic before answering your question and responding to your suggestion that it was an act of bravery. In the quotes below I will boldface the words to which I will refer following the quotes.

(Online): “Bravery is the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty without being overcome by it. It’s often associated with courage and heroism, whether in everyday situations or extraordinary circumstances. Bravery can take many forms, such as standing up for what is right, facing fears head-on, or taking risks for the benefit of others. It’s not just about the absence of fear, but the ability to act despite it”.

(Online): “Moving to a new country often involves stepping out of one’s comfort zone, facing the unknown, and adapting to a completely new environment. This process requires a great deal of courage, resilience, and determination. Leaving behind familiar surroundings, family, and friends to start anew in a different culture, language, and society is no small feat. It takes a lot of strength to navigate the challenges and uncertainties that come with such a significant life change“.

In my case, truth is,  I did not have the mental or moral strength to face danger at “home” (quotation marks because it was not a place of safety, which is what a home is supposed to be), living with my mother, so I ran away to the U.S. Running away, I didn’t stand up for what was right, which would have been to stay and protect my much younger sister, who- following my departure- became the focus of my mother’s quest-to-dominate. Soon after I left, she had my very young sister get married (soon to get divorced) and ordered her (yes, ordered) to give her (my mother) a grandson, whom my mother proceeded to raise= to damage. I did not take risks to benefit others, particularly my sister, and later my nephew. I ran away.

Moving out of my country of birth, I did not step out of my comfort zone, I stepped out of my discomfort zone. I stepped out of a domestic war-zone, and facing the unknown was much easier and more inviting than facing the same-old, same-old known. The challenges and uncertainties at “home” overwhelmed me.

I want to elaborate (and thank you, Jana, for giving me this opportunity to return to my thread and elaborate) about my mother’s Quest To Dominate me through intimidation and emotional manipulation:

Intimidation is the act of intentionally frightening a person so to assert control/ domination over the person. My mother intimidated and manipulated me repeatedly in the following ways: 1. Verbal Threats: Threatening to kill/ murder me (“I will murder you!“) and/ or herself (two threats I remember well. I forgot a whole lot). 2. Yelling and Screaming, 3. Physical Intimidation: Using body language, such as standing very close, making aggressive gestures so to create fear, slapping, hitting and kicking me, 4. Belittling: Insulting, making derogatory comments to destroy existing or future self-confidence and self-worth. “You are a big zero” is one thing she said in a loud, confident, convincing tone of voice (among many, many things she said, most I forgot), 5. Emotional Manipulation: heavy duty guilt- tripping me, making me feel responsible for her dissatisfactions, hurts, anger, hopes, and future, and.. heavy duty shaming me, including in public, parading me (I was in high-school during this incident that I do remember) on the street while shouting insults at me and kicking me with her foot.

So, you see, Jana, it wasn’t scary to leave her and the country of my birth, and fly to a new country, a new continent. No bravery there.

* There was something else involved: my mother repeatedly expressed to me a strong, pervasive distrust and suspicion of everyone, children and adults, believing that everyone (sooner or later) was out to deceive and exploit her. She heavily bad-mouthed people behind their backs (while being sugary-sweet with them in their presence). So, in my world, growing up, there was no one to trust. When I made friends with a cousin, she bad-mouthed the cousin, so I couldn’t develop closeness with the cousin. Or with anyone. I was socially isolated, spending most of the time when not in school, at “home”.

I was pervasively suspicious of everyone, and this suspicious has followed me my whole life.

Talking about trust, sometimes, maybe often (I don’t remember), my mother was nice to me, when she was in a good mood, but I couldn’t trust her niceness and I kept feeling angry at her, my anger showing itself in my eyes. She heavily guilt-tripped me and shamed me for being angry at “the best mother in the world“, her words.

Sometimes, her shaming and guilt-tripping were prolonged, lasting hours and extending into days after, days of dreadful, guilt-producing silence. At other times, she’d shoot out insults/ some shaming words and wait, looking at my face with anticipation, excitedly waiting to see her words hitting me and causing me shame. When she saw the shame, she’d slightly smile. My shame was her pleasure.

Unfortunately, after I left to the U.S (in my 20s), I kept regular contact with my mother on the phone, flew to visit her for long periods of time.. she flew to visit me, trying to relocate to the U.S. herself, so.. any and all progress I made in the U.S. was undone by the continuation of these disastrous mother- daughter dynamics. I kept saving money, minimizing spending it, so to give her money and pay for my perceived guilt. I ended up giving ALL my money, which wasn’t enough to make a difference for her, and my guilt was not resolved. I finally ended all contact with her in 2013, as an older adult, and at that point, my healing has just begun.

I know I shared these things before, but most not in this exact way. I am sharing these things again because they still hurt, they still hinder me. I want to be less suspicious, more trusting of (most) people. I want to not have this distrustful aggression within me that finds its way out of me in words and gestures when I had some red wine in me (yes, I do drink alcohol, Jana. I know that you don’t).

I am partly healed from these disastrous mother- daughter dynamics, but there is more healing to be done. No wonder, because no one can come out of these pervasive, long-term dynamics unharmed. These dynamics are severely harmful. To heal further, I need to have a deeper appreciation of the severity of harm done, and this is why I am posting this. It is understandable, I say to myself, understandable that I was as harmed as I was, as I still am. It still hurts to have been shamed as much as I have been shamed. And it hurts that it was my mother who shamed me.

I come from a war-torn country, yet my lifetime anxiety, Tourette’s (tics), the ongoing physical tension and social embarrassment that accompany these tics; ADD, learning disabilities, past OCD and eating disorders.. all these and more were not caused by War. They were caused by.. my mother single-handedly. This is still a hard pill to swallow.

Back to your question, I got to the U.S. on a tourist visa, which was not difficult to obtain, stopped in London on the way to the U.S., met an American man while riding the London underground, and he asked to marry me a couple of months later in New York City. NYC was beautiful and magical, but I felt too guilty to enjoy it while my mother did not, so, I arranged for her to visit. The moment she arrived, all the beauty and magic evaporated for me, just like that. The very short marriage ended and I left NYC to New Orleans, and from there back to the country of my birth.. to visit her for 3 months because I felt too guilty not to visit.

anita

Dear Jana:

I am impressed that you read through the 7th page (I should re-read myself). Thank you for your support: it feels good to receive it!

“By the way, do you like your life in the US? Did you ever experience so called cultural shock there?“- yes, I very much like where I am living now (U.S., smaller town/ outside the city limit), and yes, I suppose I did experience a cultural shock: in the U.S., people patiently and quietly waiting in lines (ex., in the post office), no one (physically) pushing and moving ahead. Also: people being nice and polite, saying please and tank you.. on a regular basis 🙂.

“When I used EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to heal my social phobia, I found and “repaired” a lot of emotional wounds connected to my mother, too“- I did wonder in the past about EFT aka Tapping. I should look further into it. Maybe it will help me sleep better..

“She is a good person, we had everything we needed – food, clothes, … and mostly what we wanted – toys etc., but she was emotionally detached (was emotionally detached from me, but still is from my older siblings), moody…”-

– thank you for sharing personal things about your family. I don’t feel alone sharing about mine. Interestingly, my mother was Angry and Emotionally Detached (AED, I like to make up acronyms): her dominant emotion for me was anger, and there were no moments of a 2-way closeness, not a single one that I remember.

“Alcoholism was an issue in our family… I don’t mind people drinking… I don’t judge. If someone likes it (and has control over it), it is OK for me“- thank you for the non-judgment. People around here drink a lot and the consequences are severe, including injuries and deaths. I personally know two men around here: one’s wife drove drunk into a tree and died, the other man’s wife was riding in the back of his motorcycle when a drunk driver hit the motorcycle from the back: she died and he was seriously injured. I know someone who while drunk, placed his hand in the burning fireplace and at another occasion, tripped and fell- while drunk- bled and required surgery.

So, although it feels so good to drink and socialize.. and dance, if it was up to me, I would cancel alcohol for all of society (if it was possible) so to prevent the many, many injuries and deaths. I just looked it up: in the United States, excessive alcohol use results in approximately 178,000 deaths every year of which 13,524 deaths per due to drunk driving. Additionally, alcohol-related injuries lead to around 2.15 million emergency department visits each year.

Globally,  road traffic injuries cause around 1.35 million deaths per year, with a significant portion of these fatalities attributed to drunk driving. This translates to about one death every 26 seconds on average.

Sobering numbers, aren’t they? I am glad your father has been sober for more than 35 years!

Talk to you later, signing out at 5:03 pm your time.

anita

Dear Jana:

It’s been  ❄️-ing on the (taller) mountains around here for the last few days, and it’s very cold.

“I am glad that you are happy in the US. Can I ask – do you have someone who can support and protect you?… I mean, someone who treats you kindly today“- thank you, and yest, I do. I am married to a very caring, decent, honorable person, and have been for a long time. Also, I socialize in-real-life with 1-2 dozen people on a regular basis, although not enough. I am very social in-real-life. I crave socialization and can’t have enough of it.

“EFT is great. I am still using… you can find tens of people who teach it online on YouTube.“- being awake last night, I tapped my forehead and it didn’t make a difference. I am going to search you tube for instructions. It didn’t cross my mind that it’s taught on you tube, so thank you for the suggestion!

anita