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Fear of the Fear

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  • February 7, 2018 at 9:33 am #191247
    shawn
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    Newbie here. My name is Shawn.  I love this site so far. So much help is being given and friendships found.  I hope to find someone to help me be accountable for some issues I’m having.  I’m 49.  Single, big wonderful family.  A grown son and two grandkids.  I am div twice.  I first was married at 21, and had my one and only son.  He was in the Navy and when he got out he decided marriage and a kid was not for him.  I didn’t marry again for 10 years.  That also failed.  As much as I would like to say it was again my husband who left, (it was) WHY did they leave?  I have had several bouts of anxiety and depression.  I wasn’t in any of those episodes when we divorced but it caused them.  So I threw that possibility out the window.  But still, two divorces? I am the common denominator here.  I swore off marriage as just not for ME.  I pride myself that I raised my son on my own.  I am independent and have been totally fine just dating or having a boyfriend.  As I’ve gotten older, I’m now freaking out how lonely I feel.  I didn’t expect to.  Now, after all my suffering with this mental stuff, I don’t believe anyone will want such a person , (I wouldn’t wanna deal with it honestly) so I don’t try.  I am absolutely petrified of growing old alone.  Why didn’t I try harder to make a relationship work?  It’s because at the “time” I was only thinking about getting through that day.  Not thinking about the future at all.  I didn’t save like I should, now retirement is scary instead of sounding exciting.  I can’t help but feel ill always be depressed and anxious now.  I was a very confident person growing up.  I did, however have feelings like I do now but didn’t know what it was.  I would describe it to my mom as being “sick”.  I felt sick…..She never picked up on it and I let it ferment and into adulthood never dealt with things.  Now my baggage so to speak is heavy to carry.  I cannot stop Goodling everything I can think of.  I’m a hypochondriac.  I can’t even enjoy a bath or shower.  I’m afraid to feel something or see something out of the ordinary because I freak out it’s serious.  I’m ashamed and keep this stuff to myself.  Therapy does  nothing for me.  I’ve went a few times.  Seems waste of money.  I get more out of online FREE self help stuff then a one on one.  I wish I could have an unending chat session with someone who I can ask all my questions and give feedback and give me some relief I’m not going crazy.  Perimenopause is likely not helping.  I am even terrified more last few months since the flue season has arrived.  I can’t listen to news, social media or conversations in the office without cringing.  This is NOT normal or healthy.

    I need to get a grip. can anyone help? or want to chat sometimes?  I do currently take an antidepressant and have for long time. I went off back in June/July last year (too abruptly) evidently and had a horrible time with anxiety.  Thus the reason for the title of my post,  Fear of the Fear.   I am thinking my problem is I’m afraid of feeling again, how I’ve felt in the past when I get like this.  Stress always causes it.  Bills, aging, retirement, lonliness all aren’t helping and any ONE of them alone isn’t enough to spin me downward, but when piled up I can’t deal.  Also in bankruptcy.  I sit and think how I’m gonna have SEVERAL more bouts of this crap more likely than not in my life. big family means eventually lots of sickness and death.  I’m feeling guilty and selfish for worrying about ME and how I’m gonna feel instead of the people who will be hurting/dying.  but I can’t help it. I have never lost a close person.  EVER.  not close.  grandparents yes, but we were not close.  I’m terrified at how I will end up most likely having a nervous breakdown.  I can’t even IMAGINE how bad it will be in reality if it’s this bad only in thought!!

    I feel like I’m a 10 year old sometimes.  it’s shaming.

    February 7, 2018 at 9:56 am #191269
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shawn:

    As to your last line, drop the shame, if you can.

    You are scared but then, you’ve been scared, on and off, for decades, right? I remember visiting a particular place where older people were referring to their anxiety as something particular to old age. There is always a reason to trigger fear, if one is so inclined. How about this one: a 25 year old just finished medical school, early, is about to embark on a high paying career. She is pretty, beautiful, lots of men after her. Then she gets the thought: what if I get sick and die now, what about all the years in school, all will be wasted! And what about my youth and beauty, now that they will come handy I am about to die!?

    Calm down best you can. Manage your anxiety by taking daily brisk walk, or a couple if you are very anxious. A hot bath at other times, when anxious, relaxing music, do different things at different times to manage that circulating fear.

    Learn to disengage from thinking, through the practice of meditation. You can incorporate meditation to a daily routine that works for you.

    anita

    February 7, 2018 at 9:57 am #191271
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    February 7, 2018 at 10:08 am #191273
    shawn
    Participant

    Anita,

    I do all these things.  It is seeming futile if it just comes back.  Kind of like why take a bath when you just get dirty again.  That is how I’m feeling right now.  I have tons of time to think, and so I do just that.  I feel I need to to get to the bottom root of what is so scary to me about health issues, and being alone.  How I’m gonna survive in retirement without a second person/income.  I can’t stop trying to figure myself out.  Stopping sounds ridiculous, and like giving up on myself.  That causes anxiety as well!.

    February 7, 2018 at 10:26 am #191279
    Mark
    Participant

    Wow Shawn.  Thank you for being so vulnerable here.

    It sounds like life is just plain overwhelming for you.  I wonder when “all this mental stuff” started in your life.  Did anything trigger that?  It sounds that once stress, depression, and fear kicked in you have not been able to move through it.

    You mention how you mother was. That is an obvious source of where this is coming from.   I would not give up on seeing a therapist so quickly.  Usually most issues what drive us to therapy takes a while to work through.  The effectiveness also depends on the therapist and the relationship you have with him/her.

    In the meantime, can you do activities to take care of yourself like exercise, meditation?
    Mark

    February 8, 2018 at 9:17 am #191485
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shawn:

    Regarding why take a bath if you get dirty again: because it feels good to be immersed in hot water on a cold day. Because it feels good to be clean for a little while.

    The root of why you feel scared about health and money issues, I suppose because it is scary to be sick and without enough money. Millions of people are scared of these very things. So you do your best to maximize your chances of not getting sick with healthful diet and exercise and you get the best counsel regarding retirement and then you relax best you can.

    There is no easy and fast answer to anxiety. Managing and healing from anxiety is a slow process, no rushing it, no easy answers.

    anita

     

    February 8, 2018 at 9:31 am #191487
    shawn
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you for responding.  Yes I can meditate and exercise and do both.  Meditation makes me soooo sleepy I can’t do it for long.

    I do not know what exactly triggers it, I have always been fairly upbeat and covered it up how I felt when I was having a bad time.  But I did well in school and was involved and dated a lot.  had a lot of fun.  I just seems to have went on the flip side mid twenties when I made some stupid decisions, (because I was previously NOT  worried about much except living life and having fun) and think I learned from mistakes not to trust myself anymore and that NOT worrying was a mistake!  ie.  getting pregnant. never worried about it, didn’t think it would really happen to ME.  didn’t worry about getting diseases.  -didn’t think it would happen to ME.  getting married too young and for wrong reasons.-didn’t think divorce would be in the future for ME.  and there is more.  Just life in general and being so “care free.”   So now I’m not care free.  I’m a worry wart.  I evidently don’t think ahead or take things seriously until after the dilemma hits.  I wouldn’t say I had bad parents at all, the mother situation was more of a comment about the fact that in the 70’s. when I was first sort of feeling like this as far back I can remember, she thought it was a normal kid thing.  Not wanting to go to school.  I really don’t blame her.  My parents are still together, married 50 yrs now.  They are not perfect but never any sort of abuse.  I do wish, however, I was sat down and had more talks about life and feelings and how to handle them.  Don’t really recall “the talk” about sex.  going on the pill.  Boys, or any major stuff.  I turned out ok.  I’m a good person.    But I’ve always lived my my emotions and how I “feel” had lead me.  Not my head.

    It is effecting me worse as I’m aging.  Not better.  I really don’t understand that.  What happened to older and wiser? I must of missed that memo.

    February 8, 2018 at 10:14 am #191491
    Mark
    Participant

    Shawn, I have no real suggestions beyond what anita and what you have heard already.

    I do know that I had my anxiety go away when I went to a Body Talk practitioner (you can Google that.  There are YouTube videos as well).   You may consider investigating something alternative like that.

    My border has OCD, anxiety and other issues and has been seeing a practitioner and I have seen a difference where he is more positive and less anxious.

    Mark

    February 8, 2018 at 1:48 pm #191531
    Peter
    Participant

    It is affecting me worse as I’m aging.  Not better

     

    Hi Shawn

    When I was young I moved 5 times in 12 years and today I’m terrified about the prospect of having to move. I wonder how my young self ever managed to handle all the uncertainty and where that person is now.   What changed?  A loss of innocence? Sure. More experience/memories of how things can go wrong, Yes. Perhaps there is another way to look at it. If History is the best predictor of the future. Whatever was faced was handled even the stuff I didn’t see coming or prepared for… nothing has changed…

    In the morning after completing a night compass navigation challenge through woods I retraced the path we took. There was no path, just dense woods and thickets. A route I would never have taken in day light. I wonder how I made it through. Sometimes is better not knowing and just doing what needs to be done.

    A master told his students a story about a monk who built a raft to cross a river.  After crossing the monk strapped the raft to his back carried it around with him where ever he went. The next obstacle this monk faced was deep canyon. In stead of unstrapping the raft from his back and using the rope to lower himself down he attempts to climb down with the raft tied to his back wondering why its so difficult… Life changes. Most of our coping methods are created by the age of 10 and we expect them to work for us when were 50, surprised and depressed when they don’t. It takes intentional effort to notice the “raft” we carry, untie it, break it down, discarding what is no longer useful.

    Reading your posts, it clear that you have handled everything that has come your way. Sure, some things you might have done differently, or wished you would not have had to face, but you handled them just the same. You will handle whatever comes you way now.

    The fear and doubt you have about this this uncertain stage of life you are entering is understandable but does not hold you back. In fact this uncertainty is a door to a path you might never  have imagined yourself taking and doing so surprising yourself.

    “The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

    Open the door.

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