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Feedback on a Separation

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Peony 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #165642

    Peony
    Participant

    Hi again TB community,

    I hope you are all well and appreciate any feedback or suggestions you may have. I have wrote in a couple times concerning the issues in my marriage.  My husband is currently moving out of the home, and I assumed we were “separating,” but he told me he is taking everything out and doesn’t plan to move back in.  I am at work, and just trying to sit with the hurt and painful feelings (and shame with friends/family).

    I have been married for a little over a year, and unfortunately, it has been very difficult. Lots of highs/lows and communication has been tough, and sometimes just avoided.  I have regrets, being I have said things such as “I am not sure why we even got married.” For the past several weeks, I just avoid (and am not overly loving, giving hugs, etc).  My husband drinks (and deals with depression).  Last weekend, I was out with having fun with family at a ballgame and came home to a drunk husband, who went off on me yelling, etc.  This has happened numerous times, even when I tell him it scares me.  I brought up separation a while ago, when a similar situation happened.  More because, I am scared, can’t sleep, feel we aren’t moving forward, etc.  On Mon, he said he was not drinking anymore in our therapy session.  Last night, we got in another fight, he said he was moving out, which I agreed was a good idea, and he began drinking again.  Today, he is home moving and it just hurts.  I wrote him an email that I still loved him, and hope he could be happy and thought the separation would be a good chance for us to “get healthy,” but his unemotional response was that he understood what I was saying, and that he was not planning on moving back in.

    I have a ton of different emotions going on. Should I just sit with them or response or?  It’s difficult to know what to do.

    Thanks for reading.  xx

    #165656

    Peter
    Participant

    Sorry to hear about your situation but glad to hear that your taking the steps you need to take to be safe and take care of yourself.

    If its unacceptable for you to live with a person with a drinking problem, then that is your truth and there is not much more you can do until and unless your husband comes to terms with his demons.

    I think you have done what you needed to do and that all you can do in the time being is respect the space that was created.

    Very much recommend the book ‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving – by David Richo if your ready for that kind of thing

    #165664

    Peony
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out. Thank you for validating the safety aspect, even though I still question what happened.  It is good advice to “respect the space that was created.”  I am trying to calmly sit with it rather than let my mind wander to “what if’s.”  I just ordered that book off Amazon…it sounds like a good one.

    Thank you!  Take care and I appreciate your words.

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