Forum Replies Created
July 23, 2018 at 8:45 am #218255
Hello Crawford, I understand how difficult it is to not be comfortable with the way you look. I struggle with it as well, and have for years. For me, I realize that I love my friends, family, boyfriends, etc, regardless of the way they look, so why am I so hard on myself. It’s interesting how we do that. I do think we “look” at our reflection more intently than others, so of course, we will find something “wrong,” when in reality those differences are what make us unique and who we are. I also grew up in a home without a love of praise or help with worthiness, which probably doesn’t help. I don’t know who you are, but I feel that you have a sensitive and caring heart. I would try to focus on that part of you, which is so great. I know you have many great parts. If you wanted, you could always talk to a dermatologist, but I don’t think that will help the way you feel inside. I actually got surgery on a part of me I disliked, and I have regret surrounding that, being now that I am older, I realize that it was part of my uniqueness. I don’t know if this helps, but realize that you aren’t alone, that you are a good person and have so much to offer to the world. Your face shape is such a small part of who you really are. I don’t mean to discount your feelings, because they are honest and truthful, but know you are loved, important, and a part of this world for a reason.June 9, 2018 at 8:18 am #211803
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I agree with what you said. And your viewpoint made me smile…that is the good kind of running. I appreciate that stance 🙂
“Talking” through it and letting it sit, the more I am excited for this change.
Thank you as always! Sending you warm, loving energy today, Anita! You are so good.
xoJune 9, 2018 at 7:51 am #211789
I think she would be sad if I was to go, so I feel that is a big reason for her objection. I had also mentioned that they would pay for housing, and she said “it’s not about the money,” which is silly to me, because I don’t do things for the money. Both of us know that. I almost felt that she was grasping at things, if that makes sense. I felt bad when I got off the phone with her, being it was difficult to distinguish if it was coming from a place of love and well being or something else. And I suppose a person could think I would be running away, because the timing is such that I am dealing with some big losses right now. I do realize that, as well. But I also recognize the fact that I was offered this now, not last year or the year before that. Thank you for asking good questions to make me think =)June 9, 2018 at 7:36 am #211783
@anita, nice to hear from you, Anita. I always appreciate your response (and for others). I did ask my sister to clarify, and she thought I was running away. And ultimately, she said she would miss me. We talk almost every day, and of course, I hope that wouldn’t change. It would be different, though. I thought about her “running away” comment, and I think I have done the best I could with the situations I have been in. I worked hard on my marriage with counseling, conversations, etc. I feel that I made the right decision with ending it, and am not necessarily running from it. But, I do feel that I am ready for another chapter. Is that running away? Or is that moving on? Perhaps the timing on this work opportunity isn’t “perfect,” but it’s also something I have only so much control over. I can also say no. It seems easier, but I don’t know if that is right either.June 8, 2018 at 12:27 pm #211687
@Shuying, good day! Thank you for sharing your situation and information with me. I am happy to hear that your decision turned out to be so rewarding. I am sure they were lucky to have you in Cambodia. What an amazing opportunity. And the fact that you did it all on your own and by yourself. That is honorable and rewarding. I read through your e-book (thank you) and a lot of what you discussed resonated with me. “There is no right or wrong. Stop your overthinking…” really stuck with me, as did the other portions. Thank you for responding. I wish you the best and keep at it! Hugs, P xxJune 8, 2018 at 12:17 pm #211685
@Airene, hello and thank you for your wonderful response. I have read it a ton of times, and it all makes sense. I think the “unknowns” are the hardest for me in this situation. But really, nothing is guaranteed. Trying to make sense of the anxiety is always something I struggle with, and you are right, with a big change it would bring that regardless of whether it is “right” or “wrong.” I also agree in that I would learn and grow as a person. I may regret not doing it. I do wish I had somewhere there with me, but my situation isn’t that right now (and that’s okay). Thank you for time and great input 🙂 Hugs, PDecember 8, 2017 at 7:44 am #181087
Hello @Eliana, thank you for your advice! I do hope that his choice to stop drinking is for his own well-being, regardless of where we end up. I do admire that he is trying. Thank you so much for your response =)
Hi @Inky! Thank you for your input. I can imagine it is difficult to admit there is a problem, being sometimes we don’t “see” it ourselves. It’s advantageous for us all to find healthy ways to cope with things. Thank you!
Hello again @anita. Thanks for your reply. I find truth in what you say, even though it’s difficult to hear, but do realize it. I think the road is going to be a long one, regardless. I respect your honesty and truth. Thank you!
Sending love and thanks to you all. TB is a great community. xxDecember 7, 2017 at 11:52 am #180983
Hi! Thank you for your response. I always appreciate your words of wisdom.
Yes, best case scenario would be that, and you are correct in that the journey would be a constant daily choice and effort to communicate, not jump to conclusions, and the like from both him and me. I suppose that is with all marriages, but I think we have more stacked against us. Lines have been crossed that can’t be undone. Fixed yes, but not forgotten. It has been a long tough road so far, and I wonder if that is why I feel so weary, being I definitely think it would be “easier” to carry on by myself (not be married). Then I struggle with the question, is that selfish?
Thank you. Take care as well!August 25, 2017 at 2:40 pm #165664
Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out. Thank you for validating the safety aspect, even though I still question what happened. It is good advice to “respect the space that was created.” I am trying to calmly sit with it rather than let my mind wander to “what if’s.” I just ordered that book off Amazon…it sounds like a good one.
Thank you! Take care and I appreciate your words.April 21, 2017 at 2:08 pm #146233
I completely agree! It is nice to have someone take the time to read your/our forums and answer them with good intentions. Thank you to Anita and all the like! xoApril 20, 2017 at 7:43 am #145975
Good day Anita,
So nice to hear from you again. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I don’t know what I was looking for, I guess. I just feel bad that I haven’t even been married a year. My parents have been together for over 40 years, so something in me says to keep at it, but happiness does matter. Marriage is tough. Thank you again for your response and have a good day!
Take care, PFebruary 19, 2017 at 7:08 am #128301
Truth. All of what you wrote, and it did help me go awww…I have a part in this (obviously), and my part can be controlled. I can get frustrated and eventually, angry. Your saying, when your anger is up, your IQ goes down, is absolutely correct. And perhaps I did judge in the past, and that is what he assumes is going to happen? I didn’t look at it that way. It is interesting that at one time we had a really good thing, and I struggle with where that went. It is him and I. And sometimes, I can easily point the finger on why “he” can’t communicate. Perhaps I am not providing a safe platform for him to do that.
Last night, I was going to meet a friend out of town to “get away,” as I tend to do when things get difficult. After I read your comment, I decided to stay home and work hard at being kind and loving. He is now making breakfast as I am writing this. Things seem better today. Thank you for your response and holding me accountable (as a friend should).
Side note: we appreciate what you do for TB community, Anita. You always invest your time and wisdom on others and have for a very long time. You are a good soul. Thank you for all that you give!
PFebruary 17, 2017 at 9:07 pm #128149
I appreciate your reply, thank you. I also know more about CBT, but from what I understand, EFT is an attachment theory and is focused on improving emotional connection in your intimate relationships. It deals with the ability to recognize your emotions and how they affect others. That would be a generic overview.
To answer your questions, when we first met, he seemed very easy and kind. We were able to have great conversations and spend time together, which is my love language. He seemed very positive and it felt good being around him. This is of course with any new relationship, and in trying to determine what happened, he has mentioned also feeling really good in the beginning (and his depression didn’t seem evident to him either), but with “real life” and daily issues, I suppose things changed.
The fights were first about silly things. One time being I asked him if he fed the dogs (his dogs). He took offense to that and got angry, I didn’t understand, so I got upset. Eventually he told me he felt I was judging him in that he wasn’t taking care of his dogs, when in essence, I love his dogs and was simply wondering if I should feed them. The fights seemed very petty and are many times simple misunderstandings, that I feel he doesn’t understand. Now, the fights become very heated on both sides and we always say the same things to each other and don’t “hear it.” Usually, I like (and need to) talk things out, so I bring something up, and no matter what it is, Ben takes offense or as I mentioned, gets defensive, and then I get angry, and then he gets more angry.
I enjoyed the counselor because I felt that she related to what I was going through, and it was the only place I could talk about our “stuff.” Being newly married, I don’t want to “complain” to my parents or friends. Everyone assumed we are deeply in love and living this happy, glorious life. She seemed to understand what I/we were going through, and the couple times we met separately, she mentioned his perception of truth being skewed and wished he could push through to talk, even if it ended badly. The benefits for me, was to voice my feelings and opinions in a neutral environment and be at least “heard,” which doesn’t happen at home.
I am sorry this is wordy, and hope this information is what you are looking for.