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Torn

This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 1 day ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #180969

    Peony
    Participant

    Hello,

    I have wrote before in regards to my marriage, and appreciate any input/advice you may offer. My husband and I aren’t perfect, of course, and have had issues in our marriage.  We only got married 1.5 years ago.  There has been lines crossed in regards to anger and drinking by my husband where I haven’t felt safe.  He moved out 3 months ago, and I promised myself I would “try” to see how things go in therapy, just so I don’t have regrets in the future.  The first few months there wasn’t much forward movement, and I really wished he would tell me he stopped drinking and/or attending anger management classes.  I know I can only control myself, so didn’t “force” it.  In time, he began apologizing and really wants things to work.  I didn’t see much change in his behavior in regards to drinking, so I recently did decide to divorce (reached out to lawyer).  Since the last session, where I mentioned I just don’t think this can work, he now has sent email after email that he has stopped drinking, wants this to work, etc.  I am so torn, being I wish he would have tried this hard months and months ago.  I feel that it may simply be out of fear, rather than the “want” to change.  I am so torn, being I feel my heart wants to move on, but I am an empath for people wanting to change.  Any thoughts?  I know at the end of the day, I have to make the decision.  I just feel stuck.

    Thank you =)

    #180977

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peony:

    The best case scenario is that he  is sincerely and  intensely motivated to change, to stop drinking and do his part for the relationship to work. If  so, it will take a  long, long time for him to detect his neuropathways, that is, to detect his misunderstandings of what  you say to  him (ex. regarding feeding his dogs, your Feb post), and then take a moment before expressing anger at you, and then asking you what you meant, and  re-considering his reaction.

    It  will take a long  time for him to do this again and again, every day, day  after day, month after month and still keep that sincere and intense motivation to not resort to alcohol and to work on his part  in healing the relationship.

    (And you will have to be a very patient  empath, very patient).

    I will be back to  the  computer in about  sixteen hours. Take care.

    anita

    #180983

    Peony
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Hi!  Thank you for your response. I always appreciate your words of wisdom.

    Yes, best case scenario would be that, and you are correct in that the journey would be a constant daily choice and effort to communicate, not jump to conclusions, and the like from both him and me. I suppose that is with all marriages, but I think we have more stacked against us.  Lines have been crossed that can’t be undone.  Fixed yes, but not forgotten.  It has been a long tough road so far, and I wonder if that is why I feel so weary, being I definitely think it would be “easier” to carry on by myself (not be married).  Then I struggle with the question, is that selfish?

    Thank you.  Take care as well!

    #181057

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Peony,

    I wouldn’t cut all ties off with him, if you still love him. If he is showing a sincere desire of wanting to change and showing proof, for example in his behavior, attending and continuing to attend AA meetings, therapy, etc, then there is still hope. But keep in mind it will be a long road, there is always a chance of relapse. Then you will have to start over again and the cycle continues. I hope this won’t be the case, and do hope things will improve and he shows a desire and wanting to change, and changing, not only for you, but his own well-being. x

    #181061

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Peony,

    I think it’s good that he’s had a little scare. Once lawyers start writing things up it is all so official and serious on paper. He now knows first hand that you are a woman that will walk her talk, and will chew her arm off to get out of a trap.

    It’s hard to admit that you have an anger problem or a drinking problem. That his coping device for handling problems is in itself a problem.

    I say give him another chance. But that other chance involves AA and anger management meetings.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #181065

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peopny:

    You are welcome. No, I don’t think it is  selfish for you to not give him another chance with you.  It  is not selfish to not take  on an… almost impossible mission. Possible, yes, but oh, so difficult and unlikely to succeed, statistically speaking.

    If I was  you, best  I understand your situation, this would be my thinking: he is welcome and  encouraged to stop drinking, and to have a healthy, loving relationship, just  not  with me.

    If he stopped drinking for a long  time, attended psychotherapy, made new friendships in which he exercised better  and  improved communication skills, asserted  himself, then, after a few years of that proceeded to start  a loving relationship with a woman, then there would be a better chance for the latter to succeed.

    As is now, the chance is too small. So no, you wouldn’t be selfish to divorce him. You would  be  realistic.

    anita

     

    #181087

    Peony
    Participant

    Hello @eliana, thank you for your advice! I do hope that his choice to stop drinking is for his own well-being, regardless of where we end up.  I do admire that he is trying.  Thank you so much for your response =)

    Hi @inky! Thank you for your input.  I can imagine it is difficult to admit there is a problem, being sometimes we don’t “see” it ourselves.  It’s advantageous for us all to find healthy ways to cope with things.  Thank you!

    Hello again @anita. Thanks for your reply.  I find truth in what you say, even though it’s difficult to hear, but do realize it.  I think the road is going to be a long one, regardless.  I respect your honesty and truth.  Thank you!

    Sending love and thanks to you all.  TB is a great community.  xx

    #181089

    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Peony. I hope you post again.

    anita

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