April 19, 2017 at 11:05 am #145879
Hello TB community,
I have been feeling unsettled as of the past year and curious if anyone had any advice and/or a similar situation. I got married for the first time last year and later in life (age 40). I have always been independent and “fine” on my own. Several years ago, I was dating someone that I actually really wanted to marry (for the first time). “Tom” was fun, kind, social and my family and friends adored him, as did I. He wasn’t the most responsible person, so I felt that I took a lot of that on, but he liked to live life to the fullest (traveling, parties, entertaining) and always positive. After a couple years together, we lived together, but we were on different pages in regards to marriage. Tom had bought a ring, and we talked about marriage, but he never proposed. I was kind of “waiting.” I wanted children, and at that time, it was very important for me to be married prior to starting a family. Hindsight, I wish I would have had a different view. We ended the relationship, being it seemed we wanted different things, but it was super difficult/traumatic for me (and my inner circle). I then met my current husband “Fred.” He was the polar opposite of Tom. He was responsible, quiet, introverted, and serious and was on the same page in regards to marriage. He was recently divorced. We started dating and got along well. He was very different than anyone I tended to date, but I thought it worked. After a year and a half, we got engaged and then married (2 years after we met), which moved quicker than I had thought. We both talked about wanting a family. Around the time of the marriage, I began to see a different side of Fred. He became quick to anger, negative and irritable. Hindsight of course, I think we got married too quick and he perhaps had not dealt with the loss of his first marriage. Now we are going on almost a year, and we fight a ton, and I am losing respect for him. We are not focused on a “family,” being I don’t want to bring a child into an unhappy setting. A few months ago, he wouldn’t let me out of the bedroom and scared me with his anger. Fred started some anti-depressant medicine, and seemed to be less irritable, but last week, he got angry and broke the tile off my/our counter. He lost his job a few months ago and started something new that he doesn’t enjoy. He isn’t happy and neither am I. We have been to therapy for about a year, but things aren’t really changing, and our therapist recommended trying someone else even. We have a marriage weekend marriage workshop next month. We are investing time/money into making it “better,” but I am not sure if it will change. I feel that I can’t “talk” to him without him getting defensive or angry, we are rarely intimate, and don’t have “fun” together. I am sad, because I feel that I went for a relationship completely opposite of what I enjoyed (because of the hurt, I am sure). We are very different people, and I don’t think this is a “normal” first year of marriage. I am disappointed in myself, because I waited for so long to get married and thought I made the right decision. I come from a long line of good men, my Dad, grandparents, etc. I don’t necessarily think Fred is a good person. He had a tough childhood, and I assume that is coming out onto me. Communication is important to me (and all relationships), and Fred either gets angry or says nothing. I am trying to work on myself as well, and I am not saying I am perfect by any means. Personally, I am having a tough time, and question why marriage was so important to me, when now I don’t have a good fit and/or a family.
Any thoughts? I don’t think this is normal for the first year, and we have bigger issues to deal with. I can’t make Fred fix his anger issues. Are some things worth the extra work? Are some things too much work?April 19, 2017 at 9:21 pm #145935
Welcome back! I think it is time to exit this troubled marriage as quickly and smoothly as possible. Maybe you can move out and proceed with the legal separation and divorce from a distance.
Because you were doing well before the marriage, by your account, and so did he, ending this marriage is probably for your best as well as his.
anitaApril 20, 2017 at 7:43 am #145975
Good day Anita,
So nice to hear from you again. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I don’t know what I was looking for, I guess. I just feel bad that I haven’t even been married a year. My parents have been together for over 40 years, so something in me says to keep at it, but happiness does matter. Marriage is tough. Thank you again for your response and have a good day!
Take care, PApril 20, 2017 at 8:02 am #145981
You are welcome. I am still puzzled by the fact that you knew him for two years (it being long enough to get to know a person!) before getting married and believed at the time it was a good idea. You read reasonable, thoughtful, mature, and so, it puzzles me that you didn't know him well before marriage.
Wishing you well, hope you post again.
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.