Okay. So here goes.

Recently my life has pretty much turned around. I’ve hit some really difficult and tough times and I don’t know if I can cope anymore.

I’m 20 years old, I’m living at home and I’m stuck in a job which suppresses me. I’ve only recently started the new job, and the levewl of stress it’s caused me is so large I struggle to put words onto it. I’d got myself into an amazing routine in my old job, I had an amazing balance between working enough hours to earn good money but not too so I had enough time to work on myself. I was slowly but surely finding myself, I was losing weight and gaining tonnes of muscle – and I had enough time to do all that stress free. I’d never been happier with myself!

But now with this new job – I hate going into work, I hate waking up for work and I hate being at work. My job is tedious, it’s menial and it’s in constant contact with the public (VERY busy!) which causes me massive amounts of anxiety. The uniform is ugly which makes me feel horrible when people I’m serving are looking at me, the hours are loooong, very long. I don’t get home from work and have time to myself until about half eight at night, I leave at 8 in the morning. It’s nothing like anything I want to do in life, it’s purely a stop gap job for the money to bulk up my savings, but I didn’t realise how much of a toll it would have on me.

On top of that, about 6 months ago I found myself dating an amazing guy. He really is amazing, but anyone with anxiety knows when you care about someone, anxiety will begin to take over. I found myself second guessing and overthinking every single thing he said to me. I found myself telling him that I didn’t care about him and that I didn’t feel anything for him. I went on holiday to Greece and actually had to come home early because I had so much space to “think” and “get away from it all” I was just causing myself loads of problems in my head. He is SO supportive of me, he suffers himself so he understands. A few weeks ago we both agreed we’d have a little more space, just to help us get back to our old selves (because he’s had a lot of stuff going on too and feels kinda similar to me) and then his grandma unfortunately and unexpectedly passed away. Which was hard for both of us, I had to meet his family under pressuer and stay a few days, which was SO difficult for me, and we pretty much spent three weeks solid together.

On top of all that my grandmas ill, really ill in hospital. And no one in the family bar myself and my mother really cares. She needs care and support and it’s just so difficult to see her like that because I remember her as the grandma that she used to be. The strong woman who was so independant and demanded respect from everyone. Shes deteriorating and it’s terrifying. My mums on painkillers for life because a brain tumor has wrapped around a nerve causing her agony in her face, and I can just feel myself shutting down. I’m fighting against it but I can feel it happening, slowly but surely.

I’ve put on SO much weight. I’m just eating absolute rubbish all of the time, and I know it. Half a year ago I was eating like a caveman, everything organic, pure and healthy, and now I’m shovelling sugar and sweets and cakes and pizzas down like theres no tomorrow. I really have put on the best part of a stone, it shows and I hate walking around. It causes me so much stress, I hate people looking at me and alot of my insecurities are really coming back to haunt me hard. I have zero energy, I know it’s all in my hands to fix all this but I just can’t bring myself to begin to. it’s like my anxiety overloads and I find myself just wanting to eat and zone out, I don’t even know where to start or how to fix this mess.

I’m really terrified, I’m stressed for my mum, shes going through so much with her grandma and her own health, I’m stressed for my boyfriend, I want nothing bad to happen to US, and he has enough going on with his own life in terms of his work and family, I’m stressed for my grandma and her family, I’m stressed for myself, I can’t go 10 mins without and anxious horrible negative thought, that’s unless I’m eating and making myself fat again, I’m stressed for my job and how I’m going to hold it down, If I even want to and what my parents will think if I don’t. I just want to be in my happy place again, I want to be positive happy Sam again. I want to be full of energy and motivated and just happy again. The strain IM’m putting myself through, I’m just despairing.

Prematurely thanking anyone that takes the time to share any words of advice – I’ve always respected this website and all it’s wise mature members. Thank you.

I have anxiety. Bad anxiety, which comes partnered with OCD.