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Feeling A Bit Down These Holidays

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • December 30, 2015 at 10:13 am #90922
    Rory
    Participant

    Hello,

    I stumbled across this website and I wanted to share as I have been recently feeling a bit down these holidays. A lot of the responses that I have seen from other topics are quite thoughtful.

    This year I have felt a little forgotten and unsure of my place. I am the older if two brothers. A little of my backstory. I was always fascinated by history so out of High School I went to a different city to study Archaeology. While I loved the subject matter I didn’t quite care for the world of academia. So after University I took on a business internship program and spent a year in China. After that I came back home to Canada and had a bit of a rough time as I could find work. I signed up back up for school and completed a business degree with a focus on the energy industry, interned with another local company and after graduating again was hired by an oilfield service company.

    Throughout this period since I came back home I have been living with my Mom (parents divorced when I was 18) and I have made it my goal to move out. When I was interning in between my business schooling I bought myself a car and paid off my student loans as I felt bad about having not been driving earlier and having to go back to school. Since then I have started a savings account and am budgeting and saving to afford a down payment on a condo for myself. So far I have been hitting my targets on putting money aside. And despite the recent turbulence in the industry which has cost many of my colleagues their jobs I am still employed.

    My relationship with Mom is not the greatest. Her and I are quite different and don’t see eye to eye very often. She has a very racist slant and has jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend since divorcing my father. I don’t blame her for the divorce however her constant dating and complaining about men is irritating. Especially when she says she will only want someone who has more than her materially or can pay to take her on vacations. It’s also difficult to have my friends around her as she constantly asks them about their personal life. One time she even asked a close friend of mine who is studying psychology if he agreed that psychologist’s or therapists should tell a client to “end a relationship” which made my friend uncomfortable as that could go against the professional ethics of his discipline.

    My relationship with my father is better. He has found someone again and re-married. He is quite happy now and has rebuilt his life. I have tried to get to know my father’s wife’s children however they are all married with children and love cars. So myself, a single guy whose hobby is Brazilian martial arts (Capoeira) and travelling, does not have too many commonalities. My brother and I used to be close however we have moved apart over the years as his focus these days are on pot and girlfriends. I don’t blame him. He worked hard and did move out on his own. Unfortunately, he picked the wrong girl to move out with and when their relationship soured he had to move back home.

    In the past I was not perhaps as good with my family as I should have been and over the past two years I have been making steps to improve my interactions with them: Taking more time to help and visit my grandparents, making dinner for Dad and is wife, sending holiday/ birthday cards to my uncles, less arguing (though this is difficult) with my mother and buying Christmas gifts for my new half-nephews. I have continued with my travelling and spending a lot of time in the kitchen (it’s kind of my canvas to be creative).

    While I am on track I just felt unloved these holidays. My brother has a new girlfriend and brought her over so of course the family attention was on her. I shouldn’t complain but as my track record with women has not been the greatest, mostly due to my own actions it hurts a bit to see him get so much gratification for something that I don’t know if I can ever have. I cooked dinner for them all but I have to watch what I make as for the most part they only like “white people food” (their words). My mother also scoffed at my thoughts of going to Japan in 2016 for a vacation. My social life is not the greatest. I only have a few good friends and I am introverted whereas most of my family are extroverted party animals. Basically my career, finances and pursuing my interests is going well however the time it is taking to save for a down payment makes moving out seem like a long road and from the feedback I am getting from my family I don’t really feel like I belong most of the time.

    December 30, 2015 at 10:25 am #90928
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rory:

    I would put off the plan to buy my own condo and move out, rent the most modest place and save for the condo living on my own. Your mother, there is no law stating you have to get along with her, no law forcing you to be a good son, a good brother, a good uncle… as you learned for yourself, the return of investment with your family was dismal. Return on Investment, this is a business term, to be applied to anything in life. Nature is built on the concept- chase prey only that far, otherwise the predator loses too much energy.

    Return on Investment- examine that concept in your relationships and adjust, change according to the value. What are you getting in return?

    The only reason animals living in groups invest in the group they belong to is that the group WORKS for them. There is a positive return on investment. Nothing in nature is pure sacrifice, it is not natural and it is not healthy.

    A child has to get along with any which family he is born to. A child knows not of options. You no longer have to.

    anita

    December 30, 2015 at 2:14 pm #90934
    Rory
    Participant

    Thank you for advice Anita,

    Yes I do need to consider the return on investment with my family and relationships in general.

    I am hesitant to rent right away though just due to the economics of the city I live in. At the moment rental rates are higher than most mortgages (really vicious housing market). Also I have rented and dealt with landlords twice in the past and I would like a living situation where I have more control. In a year I will have what I need for down payment and starting money. Not invalidate your comments though, as removing myself from the current atmosphere is better sooner rather than later.

    December 30, 2015 at 2:30 pm #90936
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rory:

    I understand these practical considerations. Your thinking makes sense. With more information, like that you provided, I adjust my thinking of what could be the best course of action.

    If you can handle it, then, stay where you are but minimize your investment in the relationship with your mother and most other family members (I tend to think the children are worth your kind interactions). Seems like nothing good will come out of any effort you put in anything decent going on with your mother. Can you handle minimal, polite perhaps, assertive on your part, interaction with her. But make sure you can be and will be assertive with her, set some limits. And of course, be careful when you bring home friends, take them to your room instead of “sharing” them with her.

    anita

    January 3, 2016 at 8:32 pm #91239
    Phil
    Participant

    Rory,
    I’ve been where you are many years ago. My mom was a horrible person to deal with, also. The only time she was nice to you was to draw you into a fight. At a young age I checked out emotionally never to return (at least for her). If you can’t stick it out, don’t force yourself. You have to do what you have to do. My “checking out” was the only way to cope because I was so young. But, it cost me dearly. Latter in life I had to learn to trust enough to turn the emotions back on and learn to feel again. And at that you have to catch up with things that happened while you turned your feelings off. Like the death of people that meant something to you. With the help of my wife, I finished putting in the missing colors of my life portrait. It takes a long time to fix.

    If your conditions are too bad and you have the ability to make it on your own, I recommend it. I did and wouldn’t do it differently. Did I ever see my mom again…yes. Did things change…no. She remained the person she was until the end. But, to never be able to trust just means you never live. I’m still learning, and quite honestly, I think will keep learning until it’s lights out.

    Just remember, there’s always something better. You just need the courage to go for it. One of my favorite quotes is from an unknown (to me) origin. “The biggest regrets in life you’ll ever have are the chances you don’t take.” I’m not saying that my way is the best way. It’s one that worked for me. Just my two cents.

    And one last thing to remember, don’t get too good at closing the door never to look back. It just means you never give yourself a chance to change your mind. Never is just the echo of forever.

    Don’t be lonely as a train…be part of something good and leave something good behind.

    Phil

    January 4, 2016 at 7:45 am #91292
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Phil: what a strong testimony! Written so eloquently! I wish you posted more and more, you have a lot of acted-on wisdom!
    anita

    January 5, 2016 at 7:03 pm #91460
    Jane
    Participant

    Dear Rory – you sound like a bright and successful individual just by reading how well written your post was. I’m sorry the holidays got you down. As with the others, I think that you should not invest in a condo but find an apartment or something where your not living with your mother but can still save for that condo you want. Eliminating her negativity sooner rather than later sounds like what you need right now. You seem to have your head on straight, you went to school, traveled, lived in China and have plans and goals to save for bigger things! That is something to be proud of! I know its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and going through each day with a heavy heart of feeling unloved or belonging but take comfort in knowing that your not alone. I have my own place and live in a big city yet sometimes I too feel so alone. We just have to trust in the process and believe that life will bring us what is best for us at the right time. Perhaps finding a new hobby or revisiting an old one to get you motivated again or find some meet up groups of similar interests.. put yourself out there to have a better chance to meet people while doing something you like, that way its carefree. Anyway, hope your feeling better today.

    -gk

    January 7, 2016 at 12:34 pm #91707
    Rory
    Participant

    Hmmm…it looks like my post got hit by the spammer as well.

    Thank you for the comments Phil and Jane. I am not sure if “checked” out is the right word but over the past year I have rarely involved her in my life on purpose. It’s more of a proximity issue I guess when you are living under the same roof as someone. My response to her nagging at my travel plans has always been a pretty blunt “I am not telling you because I want you to come. I telling you that I will be going.” It’s similar to your quote Phil. I travel and I joined a Capoeira group because the two of the things that I wanted were to see the world and try some form of martial arts. I don’t want to live my life knowing that I never saw what I wanted to see or have the experiences I wanted to have.

    I guess these holidays were particularly tough because it showed the distance between what I want and what the majority of my family wants. The economics of moving out in this economy in 2016 is still tricky. There is a real fear of job losses. But there is another option I have decided on for next year. There are beautiful mountains that I hike in during the summer by my city. If I re-adjust my entertainment budget slightly and vacation days I can rent a lodge room for a long weekend and get away from the family for a bit during the holidays to enjoy them in a more positive setting.

    January 8, 2016 at 9:00 pm #91843
    Phil
    Participant

    Rory,
    I wish you well and may you have all the luck in the world. When you do break away, just remember that you can’t live your life for someone else. You have to live your life for you. That means you have to be comfortable with yourself in your own skin. You already know what you want to do. Time to act on it and be your own person.

    When I left, I remember that I was a little sad for a while. Not because I missed family…I missed what family could have been but never was. So I always remembered one lyric out of a Beatles song “She’s leaving home after living alone for so many years.” It hit home and helped me remember the reasons I left. Eventually you blaze your own trail, hit bumps along the way, but above all you’re living your life for you. You will be a happier person for it.

    May the wind be at your back and God bless. Bon voyage!

    Phil

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