May 9, 2019 at 6:14 pm #293105
hello, i am a 17 year old girl and i absolutely 100% hate my life. where do i even begin…?
Let’s start from the beginning I guess. I feel like my entire life has been boring, uneventful, and not special. I don’t have any good memories from my childhood. I never had friends that I was super close to and told everything to. I never did the things others did. I moved schools quite a bit so i was always an outsider. I never fit in. In middle school there were always cliques and i only had like 2 friends but i never really liked them. I was very positive and happy as a child but after constantly feeling unpopular or like i had no friends to talk to that i truly enjoyed being with i became a very pessimistic person. middle school was absolute torture and it really took a toll on my attitude and my outlook on life.
Now, i truly hate life and i hate everyone. I am super cynical. i see the flaws in people right away which makes it impossible for me to have friends and be happy with them. I literally never had a stable group of friends that have stuck by me. Literally none. I had a few friends here and there but they all came and left. i feel extremely lonely and like i am missing out on life. my mom is the only person who understands me, but i feel weird always hanging out with her. I do not have anyone else. i just want to do the things other teenagers my age do. i want to go to parties and have fun and have friends and just enjoy life. i want to joke around with people and have inside jokes and actually mean something to others. i want to be acknowledged and i want to make memories. my teenage years are almost over (i am turning 18 soon) and i have done nothing except for get very good grades and get a full scholarship to college. That is literally my only accomplishment.
Anyway, for background when i was 15 i moved for like the third time. these past almost 3 years have been absolute misery. my life is so boring and routine. i always knew how much my life sucked but i always thought it would get better, but recently i have been feeling like it never will. I hate the society i live in. i hate people and what the world has become. I hate the internet, I think it is seriously like poison. The world is not genuine like it used to be generations ago and that is part of the reason why i am so hopeless. I absolutely hate humanity and have no hope for this world. I do not want to live in this world anymore full of vein, ignorant people. i constantly feel like no one understands me and everyone is in their own little world, and i feel like i will never be able to make any genuine friends because of this. i don’t really know where i am going with this. all i know is that there is no happiness in my life. i keep trying hard to find happiness with my family or by reminiscing on old memories, but my life truly was so boring and uneventful that there is nothing to reflect on. my mom is all i cherish in life but i will be leaving her soon. i am going away to college and feel pretty hopeless that i will find people to be friends with or have a good time.
i am angry that my life was wasted sitting inside my house studying or doing nothing while i could have been living my life to the fullest while still young. but looking back at it it was truly impossible for me to do what i always longed to do. i moved so much that i never knew what home was and was unable to find my “community”. i don’t have any place that i identify with and my entire life feels like i have been searching for a place i belong. i have never felt like i was living in the moment, but constantly searching for something, happiness perhaps, but never being able to attain it.
i just want to know how i can stop feeling so hopeless when i have such a pessimistic view of the world.May 9, 2019 at 6:57 pm #293115
Thank you for your brave sharing here. It sounds like you crave connection with genuine people, those who are authentic and with integrity. Good for you! It seems that you really mourn that you don’t have that in your life with anyone. You want someone who gets you, who truly understands who you are. You crave your tribe.
I totally get it. I too have that same desire. I am in my 60s and I have consciously been working on creating a community, a tribe since my 40s. I have focused working on myself in understanding myself, to be more self aware, to be more mindful in being authentic and honest with myself. I have a small circle of friends who are self aware, honest, and kind in varying degrees. I have worked hard in attracting such a circle.
All I can offer is that you work on loving yourself which in turn loving others. We are all One. We are all flawed. We all do the best we can do usually based on our upbringing. We are products of that. If you understand that people behave from how we learned from our upbringing then you are better equipped on understanding why people are assholes, lairs, cheats as well as those who have immense kindness, who are self sacrificial and who are all of that. I believe that if I understand people then that is the first step towards compassion.
I believe the more I work on being self compassionate and self aware then I will attract the same. I encourage you to do the same. It can be a long and hard road but it is well worth the struggle. Plus you have this community (among others) to draw upon support.
MarkMay 10, 2019 at 7:04 am #293185
Your life experience has been that of an outsider envying the insiders. As the social animals that we are, we all need to be inside a social group, to be a part of a group. You have been angry for quite a while, for years, angry at those people in the inside who didn’t let you in, who ignored you while you needed them so intensely.
Here are the expressions of your anger at the inside-people who didn’t let you in, sometimes outright rejecting your efforts to join them, at other times just ignoring you: “I hate everyone.. I see the flaws in people right away… I hate the society I live in. I hate people.. I absolutely hate humanity… full of vein, ignorant people”.
Your anger, and the intense anger (hate) grew from hating the particular people who rejected you and ignored you, those in the inside who didn’t let you in, to all of humanity.
As you hate everyone, really, you need them still, to accept you, to engage you, to let you in. Problem is, you now will not let yourself be in the position of being rejected or ignored first, you reject and ignore others, so no chance for you to … finally be on the inside of a social group, be it a group of two or three or more.
“I just want to do the things other teenagers my age do. I want to go to parties.. have inside jokes and actually mean something to others”-
– we all need to mean something to others, to be valued by others. We need others to value us as good enough to want us in their group.
“my life is so boring and routine… uneventful.. wasted”- as the social animals that we are, without a social life, life is indeed boring and routine, nothing-happening, a waste; we just have-to-have a social life, otherwise, we are miserable.
“The world is not genuine like it used to be generations ago”- you weren’t around generations ago, you don’t know how it used to be. Generations ago there were plenty of people on the outside, as miserable as you are and as I used to be, also on the outside, like you. As a matter of fact, my outside-experience was generations before yours, so you see, it wasn’t that great generations ago.
My closing thoughts for now: you can be inside, part of a group, and life can be then so much better than it is. The emotions of hurt and anger about your experience so far have to lose their intensity so that you will be open to find the tribe that you crave, as Mark put it (“You crave your tribe”).
Did you consider counseling/ psychotherapy so to process your past experience, release that anger, lessen its intensity and proceed?