Hey all ,

I was in a relationship for 3 years and we broke up 10 months ago. We gave this decision together. I was in love with him and I am still but during this 3 years I was just not feeling there in that relationship. I was feeling like I have no boyfriend and strange to say but no matter I was together with him I was still searching for a relationship. I mean i have never cheated him but mentally I was feeling like I have no boyfriend. Now I understood after we broke up that he was the big part of my life. And I miss him but he seems to move on, and he doesn’t want to get back together. I will give some details and I would be so happy to get some advices.
I am living in Germany since 6 years. I am from Turkey and after my bachelor degree I moved in Germany for the master degree and then I decided to stay here for PhD. I met my ex bf during my PhD study. He is from Germany. In the beginning we were just good friends but i was feeling that he was flirting me. Then I fell in love with him. He had such a warm hearth and was there with me whenever I need. The first year was great we had so nice time together. But I was seeing the end and knowing that one day it was going to end. And second year of us people around us started to ask me about our future. If I will stay here in Germany or go back Turkey, what my parents think about this relationship and kind of questions. I was getting so angry to those people because I did not know the answers. Then I started to talk about those things with my ex and he was every time somehow convincing me that we should never care with people. But he has never asked me to meet his parents and I have never mentioned him to my parents. Then I decided never talk about these things and just to let it to its flow. We were spending our days together but it was like I was not there with him. But then I realized that we had common no future plans together. I m not meaning the marriage or moving together in a same apartment but even no holiday plans together. I felt so insecure and then I started to behave jealous. I was controlling him all the moment. And after 3 years I was so tired and offered him to finish. He accepted that and we decided to stay friends. Then I started to date with a guy who is also a student here in Germany but from Turkey. It was so nice for the first weeks to talk about every thing that we could never talked with my ex. It was so nice making jokes in my native language, talking about Turkish movies from my childhood, politics and Turkish literature. But it didn’t take long. After 1 month i started to miss my ex bf so much and understood that I was loving him. I stopped to date with this Turkish guy. Then I was feeling guilty that I never could stand behind my love. I talked my ex after i realized that I am ready to stand behind my relationship with him. But he said it is finished for him and we gave this decision together. I cried, I begged I did every mistake which is supposed to be not done. I am still suffering and missing him.
Now he has met a girl and it s clear that they are going to date. He never calls me and if I call him he s talking so distanced.
I am feeling so guilty that I destroyed the dynamic between us with my stupid future plans. I am thinking all the time how is it going to be if I would never offer him to break up. I feel so lonely and I am not able to focus on my thesis work which I have to submit soon.
I know I have to let it go and move on, but I have such a pain in my heart and I m not able to let it go. Your advices would help me a lot.

Thank you for reading this and sorry for language mistakes .