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Feeling hopeless

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  • July 29, 2019 at 8:53 pm #305611
    cami
    Participant

    I have been in a long distance relationship since the end of March.

    My boyfriend and I had been together for a year before that.

    Because of his job, he had to move to the other side of the world. 

    Before he left we talked a lot about it and our plan is to get married once his contract is done (he can’t marry before that), which will be around December.

    Since he is American and I’m not, we’ll apply for the k-1 visa so I can move in with him.

    The long distance thing has been really tough on me, I already suffer from anxiety, the depression has hit me hard.

    I don’t have many friends and I’m not close to my family so basically all I have done Is work since he left.

    I don’t feel like doing much, I don’t find joy in anything like I used to.. i.e: working out, photography, etc.

    He is really supportive and try to help me as much as he can.

    But his work also takes so much of him a he is in a special program in the military.

    I have been stressed out because we were supposed to send the visa package early June and we still haven’t because he needed some documents and had trouble getting it.

    We were also supposed to have a 2 week holiday in August. 

    Flight tickets, hotel and everything was booked. Then his leave got cancelled(and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it) and we have to postpone it and we don’t know until when.

    It has been SO much to deal with, I have lost all my motivation and hopes.

    He tries to cheer me up and reassure that everything will be fine but I feel hopeless.

    I feel like everything is going wrong. We both put so much effort into the relationship and this happens.

    We love each other so much and we can’t wait to have a family.

    I’m so devastated and the worse thing is that I can’t act normal and be loving towards him because I’m so depressed.

    I love him more than anything else and I really need help on how to cope with all these…

    I’d appreciate any advice.

    July 30, 2019 at 8:42 am #305661
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cami:

    The difficulties are none of his fault, he is not guilty of the military canceling his leave or the immigration authorities requiring documents he doesn’t have and needs to get. His leaving for work four months ago was something you  both agreed to.

    “the worse thing is that I can’t act normal and be loving towards him because I’m so depressed. I love him more than anything else”-

    If you love him so much, and the difficulties are none of his doing, not his fault, and your anxiety predated him, meaning your anxiety, depression, loneliness are not his fault either, then protect him from the misery you are experiencing.

    You can “act normal and be loving towards him” while you are “so depressed”.

    Do what you can do to endure and feel better, best you can and have patience. Act lovingly toward him when communicating with him, so that he will not worry about you and be distressed. He needs to be as calm and refreshed as possible to do his job and all the arrangements that need to be done for the two of you to live together.

    If you cause him worry and distress you are hurting not only him but yourself. You are hurting your chances of having a family with him.

    When you do have children, a family with him, there will be more stresses and you will need to be strong, a good wife and a good mother. Practice being strong now!

    I hope you post again, express your thoughts and feelings, that in itself may help you endure and feel a bit better. I will be glad to read from you and reply more.

    anita

    July 30, 2019 at 8:44 am #305663
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    July 30, 2019 at 10:22 am #305683
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Cami,

    Life is full of ups and downs and learning how to deal with them in the best way that you can is just part of it.  If you suffer from anxiety and have been cutting yourself off from your usual support friends and activities – it is not surprising you are only able to focus on these latest problems and worrying about if it is all going to turn out ok.

    So it may be the last thing you feel like doing but make the effort to get active again, to get back into your photography and catch up with those friends you do have.  Do your best to be the loving partner your guy fell in love with – he has a lot on his plate it sounds like and needs your support as much as you want his.  There’s going to be tougher things to get through, especially once you have a family – so like Anita says, good to start practicing now as best as you can. Learn calming techniques and different strategies to avoiding being triggered into a downward spiral.

    Hope it helps.

    July 30, 2019 at 8:57 pm #305781
    cami
    Participant

    Anita and Michelle,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply.

    You are right, none of this is his fault…

    I try to be loving but somehow my moods keep switching.

    He’s my best friend and basically the only person I trust, so I feel bad because I do worry and bring a lot of stress…

    I try to think in a positive way, that I can take this time to work/focus on myself, study, then not long after that I go back to feeling miserable and depressed.

    I’m feeling a lot of anger, if we don’t get a refund for those things we had already booked, we probably won’t get a vacation, I also haven’t seen him in 5 months, it’s awful.

    He didn’t have a choice of staying with me, or me going with him because of his contract.

    So our options were either to break up or survive this year apart.

    I can’t afford losing him.

    I do agree with everything you said, I need to be stronger and stay calm in these situations..

    I have just been having a really hard time controlling my emotions, especially not knowing when I’ll see him.

    July 31, 2019 at 2:48 am #305791
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Cami,

    Yeah, dealing with uncertainty is difficult for a lot of people, especially if you are an anxious type.  No-one can control or see the future, you just have to do the best you can with what you have. It sounds like you made the best decision you could at the time to deal with this contract – deciding to try to make a go of it rather than breaking up then.

    So that could be what you need to focus on doing now – making the best of it and getting through it. It sounds like you are pretty emotionally dependent on your boyfriend, so perhaps try and see this as an opportunity given to you to practise being ok, developing your own strength and emotional resilience – it will do nothing but help you throughout life after all.

    Try to make sure the time you get to talk to each other is a positive experience – one of looking forwards together to the year being over and enjoy thinking about what you will do together. The last thing you want is for your guy to start dreading your calls, make sure what time you do get together is used well – not dominated by trying to make you feel better. Take responsibility for doing that for yourself.

    I’m curious – not that I’m suggesting this is a good idea necessarily – but what stops you travelling to the same place he is anyway – I assume because of your work?  I get you couldn’t stay with him if the military don’t allow it but they can’t stop you travelling for visits right?! You know when you can take holiday – perhaps even if you can’t go away with him, you could at least figure something out to stay nearby to see him in his off-time?

    Pragmatically, you should get refunded for the travel unless it was specifically non-refundable and even then your travel insurance should cover it.

    Hope you’ve made it out for some exercise today – nothing better for working out anxieties than a calming walk in nature.

     

    July 31, 2019 at 9:24 am #305869
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cami:

    You are welcome. I understand that you are in a very difficult situation. But if you “can’t afford losing him”, don’t make the situation worse. Lots of things are not going right for you as it stands, but don’t add more things going wrong.

    There is a prayer of sorts that I like, it is called the Serenity Prayer. It says: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”-

    – figure out all the things you cannot change because those things are not at all up  to you or him. Then figure out the things you can change somewhat. Do you want to make these two lists here?

    anita

    July 31, 2019 at 8:00 pm #305987
    cami
    Participant

    Michelle / Anita,

    You are right, I am very attached to him emotionally.

    I have never had much support from my family and had been struggling and had built walls for years (since I left home at 17).  So he’s been the only person able to break these walls, and now I feel like my emotions overflow.

    I should take this time to practice being okay, I agree.

    I seem to keep failing though.

    I have 2 jobs and I work 6 days a week. I don’t have so much free time.

    My plan was to study for TOEFL on the free time I have, but I always end up not doing anything because I’m depressed. 

    I feel like I am doing that, I’m wasting all the time we have to talk, complaining and trying to make myself feel better.

    That seems so selfish of me… I always get caught up in the moment and sometimes I get even more stressed because his internet connection is so bad that we can’t video call or even call sometimes.

    The reason I don’t go there is that he is on MSG program of the military. 

    Basically his job is his priority at all times during this contract. I wouldn’t be able to stay or spend much time with him and he wouldn’t be able to stay in a different place with me either, especially being in a more dangerous country. 

    I’m going to try my best to follow your advice otherwise I will only make things worse.

    I hope I can try and focus more on studying for the English test I want to take.

    He is working on getting the refunds for those things, I really hope he does so it doesn’t ruin our vacation when we actually get one.

     

    Things I cannot change:

    – His leave getting cancel is out of our control

    – it might take a few months more to see each other

     

    Things I can change:

    – my perspective on these situations

    – remember how lucky I am to have him dealing with all my depression and worries and never giving up on us

    – be more considerate of his feelings and not only focus on mine

     

    Do you have any other items to my list or how I tips on how I can actually achieve them?

     

    Thank you again, it means a lot.

     

    Camila

     

    August 1, 2019 at 2:40 am #306013
    Diletta
    Participant

    Dear Cami, I understand you perfectly.  It is difficult to change, even if you first understand that it is right to try to be more positive and you want to succeed.  I too would like to change some of my attitudes, but it is not easy.
    Perhaps you could try to take one step at a time, without adding more stress to what you already have to endure.
    Try to focus on the positive aspects of your future together. When you realize that you are starting to have negative thoughts, focus on something that instead is a source of joy and positive expectation.
    Also, since you work hard and study, make sure you take care of your diet, eating healthy food.  Stress and sadness could also arise from a vitamin deficiency.
    I wish you all the serenity!

    August 1, 2019 at 3:08 am #306015
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Cami.

    Don’t beat yourself up about ‘failing’ – the most important thing of all is trying, that’s the best you can do. When it works, congratulate yourself. When it doesn’t, look at why it didn’t, learn from it for next time and accept it’ll take time. After all, sounds like you’ve had a pretty tough start in life and it’s amazing you were able to open up to this guy at all. So it isn’t really surprising you have limited experience managing your emotions when you’ve never really permitted yourself to feel them before.  It’ll take time and practice but you can. And congratulate yourself too for reaching out on here for help, we all need it at times and it’s a great place to widen your support from just your guy.

    If a bad internet connection is a problem, perhaps sometimes back it up by an email where you can think through what you want to say – a modern day love-letter. I still have many of my partner’s old emails to me from tough times, they still make me smile. Think about doing the same to put a smile on your guys face whilst he’s under a pretty stressful time.

    Action tends to make people feel more positive and helps with depression, so perhaps add to your list all the things you can do to help things turn out the way you both want them to.  Can you help with dealing with the insurance/refunds for example and help plan out a replacement holiday?  Look at the English test as something that will help you both with getting your visa – it may help with the motivation if you start to see these things as steps towards getting that life together you both want.

    Yes, it is tough being away from the one you love but you are both doing it for good reasons.  Recognise it as just a year to get through and plan out yourself what’s next, it’s very encouraging and makes you feel like it will all happen. Do you know where you guys will live once he has finished his year – have you researched the area, thought about how you’ll find employment there, looked into friend groups, that kind of thing. It all helps make those plans seem real as I suspect deep at heart you may be a little worried it isn’t going to work out.

    Look after yourself physically and emotionally too, eat well, exercise, try to socialise at work a little since you are so working so hard.

    Take care.

    August 1, 2019 at 7:27 am #306027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Camila:

    “Things I cannot change:

    – His leave getting cancel(led)” then don’t complain to him about it because there is nothing you or him can do about it (“I am wasting all the time we have to talk, complaining”).

    “- it might take a few months more to see each other”- same thing, don’t complain to him about  it. Notice you wrote “I am wasting all the time we have to talk, complaining and trying to make myself feel better“- but you fail at making yourself feel better, so don’t keep doing what doesn’t work!

    “Things I can change:

    – my perspective on these situations”- you will need to detail your new perspectives, as you did a bit next: “- remember how lucky I am to have him dealing with all my depression and worries and never giving up on us.. be more considerate of his feelings and not only focus on mine”- repeat this to yourself instead of complaining to him. Try to make yourself feel better by saying this sentence out loud to yourself. And reward him for dealing with all your depression and worries by making his life easier and not giving him more of your depression and more  of your worries for him to deal with.

    You wrote: “I have never had much support from my family and had been struggling and had built walls for years… he’s been the only person able to break these walls, and now I feel like my emotions overflow”-

    – better not break your only support by giving him more than he can deal with. Every person has a breaking point. He has been good at dealing with your depression and worries so far, but it doesn’t mean he can do it on and on and on forevermore.

    You are welcome to post here, on your thread, anytime you want to express your overflowing emotions. I will be glad to read and reply to you anytime you do post. This may be a place of support for you.

    anita

     

     

    August 1, 2019 at 7:22 pm #306163
    cami
    Participant

    Hey Diletta,

    Yes, changing certain behaviors can be challenging.

    I agree, I should try one step a at time.. everything is already too overwhelming.

    I will try to focus on our future together.

    Thank you for your kind words and advice.

     

    Michelle,

    Thank you.

    I admit I have difficulty on giving myself any credit.

    I’m glad I decided to post here, I actually had never heard of this blog before. I want to take the time to read other posts and even help any one I can in the forums. I haven’t had much time this week, but hopefully I’m able to explore more over the weekend.

    It’s funny you mentioned the email. I actually sent him an email last night talking about our relationship and thanking him for what he’s done for us so far.

    I would really like to sent him letter but unfortunately he can’t receive mail there.

    I’m afraid I can’t help with the refunds as everything is under his name. He’s having a hard time with it but he is working with his command to get government documents to prove there was a good cause for cancelling the trip.

    Exactly. The English test will help me a lot in the future so I will take the time to focus on that.

    I think in a month or so we will find out his next post, then I will be able to do some research on the location, possible jobs, etc.

    Anita,

    I’ve realized I spent a lot of time complaining this week and none of these complaints are going to change the facts, so I am working on that at the moment.

    So one of my main goals is to give him less stress than he already has.

    It won’t make me feel better and it will only make him feel worse.

    My only fear is to lose him, so you are totally right about that.

    I would like to thank you all one more time.

    I am most of the time aware of all these things but when it comes to actually doing them, I get stuck.

    I’ve realized that writing these posts, reading them to myself helps better than just “thinking about it”, and receiving advice from different perspectives (especially from people I don’t know) has helped me a lot.

    Tomorrow (Saturday for me) is my birthday and I have been really depressed that he won’t be here to celebrate with me, nor next week as he was supposed to.

    Instead of feeling miserable, I plan to do one of my favorite things: watch a good TV show and eat some good food.

    As an introvert, I love like to spend time alone.

    But I also have planned to go out with some of my colleagues which I hope will be a good time.

    I’ll let you know how are things are going soon.. I hope you guys have a good weekend!

    Camila

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by cami.
    August 1, 2019 at 7:35 pm #306167
    cami
    Participant

    Hey Diletta,

    Yes, changing certain behavior can be challenging. I agree, I should try one step a at time.. everything is already too overwhelming.

    Thank you for your kind words and advice!

    Michelle,

    Thank you. 

    I admit I have difficulty on giving myself any credit.

    I’m glad I decided to post here, I actually had never heard of this blog before. I want to take the time to read other posts and even help any one I can in the forums. I haven’t had much time this week, but hopefully I’m able to explore more over the weekend.

    It’s funny you mentioned the email. I actually sent him an email last night talking about our relationship and thanking him for what he’s done for us so far.

    I would really like to sent him letter but unfortunately he can’t receive mail there.

    I’m afraid I can’t help with the refunds as everything is under his name. He’s having a hard time with it but he is working with his command to get government documents to prove there was a good cause for cancelling the trip.

    Exactly. The English test will help me a lot in the future so I will take the time to focus on that.

    I think in a month or so we will find out his next post, then I will be able to do some research on the location, possible jobs, etc.

    Anita,

    I’ve realized I spent a lot of time complaining this week and none of these complaints are going to change the facts, so I am working on that at the moment. 

    So one of my main goals is to give him less stress than he already has.

    It won’t make me feel better and it will only make him feel worse.

    My only fear is to lose him, so you are totally right about that.

    I would like to thank you all one more time.

    I am most of the time aware of all these things but when it comes to actually doing them,  I get stuck.

    I’ve realized that writing these posts, reading them to myself helps better than just “thinking about it”, and receiving advice from different perspectives (especially from people I don’t know) has helped me a lot.

    Tomorrow (Saturday for me) is my birthday and I have been really depressed that he won’t be here to celebrate with me, nor next week as he was supposed to. 

    Instead of feeling miserable, I plan to do one of my favorite things: watch a good TV show and eat some good food. 

    As an introvert, I quite like to spend time alone. But I also have planned to go out with some of my colleagues which I hope will be a good time.

    I’ll let you know how are things are going soon.. I hope you guys have a good weekend!

    Camila

    August 1, 2019 at 9:57 pm #306177
    Diletta
    Participant

    Happy Birthday Camila!

    I wish you a peaceful and joyful day: relax, rest and have fun. 🙂

    August 2, 2019 at 12:47 pm #306321
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Camila:

    H a P p Y        B I R t H d A y   !!!

    I read your recent message, you read sensible to me. I hope to read from you soon, anytime you want to, please post and I will be glad to reply to you.

    anita

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