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Feeling left out..again

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  • June 30, 2025 at 5:31 pm #447218
    CinCin
    Participant

    Several years ago, my wife, her daughter, and our friend would often go out for drinks and never included me. It always hurt my feelings and the excuse I heard was “well, you go to bed at 930”. Could have asked me anyway? I felt excluded, these were my people! I am also a woman, so it wasn’t about girls night out.

    Fast forward many years, now we live in a different state from friend and her daughter. Friend reaches out to wife, she broke up w her boyfriend and wants to get together someplace for some emotional support. This friend was one of our best friends. And the three of them got into a chat about going to a beach house in a couple of weeks. I guess there was a lot of texting and discussion about where to go. Initially, I didn’t want to go as I have other commitments. Then I found out stepdaughter was invited, I don’t get to see her very often and her energy would change the dynamic into more fun. I am triggered and back to feeling hurt and excluded as on years gone by..
    The discussion and planning was all over text. Why wasn’t I included in the texts if I was truly invited? I feel like I have to ask 20 questions to get the details from my wife. Found out this AM that wife booked tix and her daughter was looking for tix. I explained I was triggered, didn’t have all the facts, etc. She is apologetic, I could still go, but feel alot like an afterthought. Not sure how to deal w resentment and past hurt. Am I off base here?

    June 30, 2025 at 6:25 pm #447225
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CinCin:

    Thank you for sharing something so personal. It’s incredibly brave to speak up about this kind of hurt, especially when it echoes past wounds.

    You’re not off base at all. The feelings you’re experiencing make complete sense, especially given the pattern—being excluded before, and now sensing something similar unfold again. It’s not just about this one trip; it’s about wanting to be included from the start, not added as an afterthought.

    Your wife’s apology matters—it shows that she cares and is open to hearing how this impacted you. And I hope the door is still open for you to express why it hurt, not just that it did. Because being invited is one thing… but feeling included—from the beginning—is something else entirely.

    As for why this keeps happening, it may be unintentional. People fall into old habits, make assumptions, or avoid discomfort without realizing the impact. But that doesn’t make the hurt any less real—or any less worthy of being acknowledged.

    I’m so glad you spoke up. You deserve to feel like you belong. Not just as a +1, but as someone whose presence is genuinely wanted.

    With warmth, Anita

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