May 18, 2020 at 10:38 pm #355882SearchForSelfPeaceParticipant
I am writing here again after almost 2 months. I am feeling very lonely and just wanted to talk to someone.
I always feel that most of my friends do not care about me at all and it hurts to see them put in efforts for other people. For example, on the birthday of most of my friends, I used to personally call them up and wish them. However, on my birthday I received 0 calls or messages from anyone. At the same time, they put in substantial efforts to celebrate occasions of others in our circle. I have in general, started hating the birthdays. And it’s not only about birthday. Under normal circumstances, I never receive any messages from them and it is me who breaks the communication lag every time. There might be a handful of friends say 2-3 who may put in effort occasionally or at least behaves the same with me as other people in our friend circle. My family, however, is much supportive.
I wanted to ask you if this is a normal feeling. I have observed that most of the negative feelings which I get are usually quite common. For example, In my graduate college, I was failing to make good friends and thought that it was something wrong with me. However, I have encountered at least two more fellow students who felt the same way. So, I understood that the fault was probably in the difference of thinking between the people who joined with me in my batch.
I hope that you and your loved ones are safe and healthy in these unusual circumstances.
SearchForPeaceMay 24, 2020 at 8:38 pm #356524JanParticipant
I’ve just joined and hope I can help you.
You know how they say that, if you chase a guy, he loses interest in you? Well, I think the same applies to friends and that you are ‘chasing’ your ‘friends’. Try not contacting them and, if they never close the gap and contact you, they were never really your friends and you should let them go and look elsewhere for real connection with other people. Don’t phone them on their birthdays, maybe send a card but, if they have not got in touch with you by the time their next birthday rolls round, don’t send another. Don’t contact them again, move on and find people who are more like you and who will be more than happy to be your friend, and in a reciprocal fashion.
You say ‘most’ of your friends treat you this way, which implies you have other friends who do not. Put your energy into them and forget the others. See those friends away from the ‘circle’ and set about making new friends, too. You are not a good fit with the ones who treat you so badly. Are they old school friends? Not all early friendships are meant to last, do not hang out with people who make you feel bad.
I know how hard it is to be in your situation, but clinging to people who don’t value you just damages your self-esteem. It is NOT that you have no value, just that you are trying to stay friends with the wrong people. The right people are out there, go find them. 🙂
I really hope this helps you.
JanMay 24, 2020 at 11:01 pm #356728KelParticipant
I used to feel a bit like Jan says, that I was chasing friends. And sometimes it is more clear that you are trying to stay in touch with people who truly aren’t interested.
But I have also learned that very few people are what I think of as “connectors “, by which I mean, the pale who initiate the phone call, or organize a group to go out to dinner, etc.
I learned that some of the friends I have started in touch with best are these connectors. They sometimes feel just how you do, that they are always making the call, but not getting called back, or they are always the one organizing going out to dinner.
But I am still in touch with these people because they keep in touch! I do reach out to them, and I do think it’s clear that I enjoy being their friend, but I admit they do more work at keeping us in touch.
So you may have to be the connector for people, and understand that they appreciate it. I think many more people are NOT connectors, and rely on the connectors to keep us all tied together.
I think the people who get birthday parties organized for them might be good friends with one person who makes that effort, or maybe they just plan their own party.
I share a lot of your feelings, so I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve been working on the question. Some people truly don’t want to be friends, and they will just not answer or be too busy to talk or have nothing to say, sure, drop those people.
Hope this helps!