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Feeling lost

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • December 26, 2013 at 3:14 pm #47611
    Nathan Morgan
    Participant

    I have been dealing with an issue for a good while now. I try and try to move past it but it seems like it is impossible to move forward. I am the type of person that tries to do good, no matter what. I always try to stay positive, optimistic and kind. What has been bothering me is – I can barely remember my childhood or my teenage years. I’m 23 now. I can’t really remember many things, people, situations, etc. I know some people deal with things they have done or said in their past and they want insight on how to deal with and move past it – but how do you forget something you can’t even remember? The optimist in me tells me not to worry about it – who you were is not who you are now and there is no reason for you to look back and to just look forward, live in the now. However, there’s a part of me that would just like some kind of answer as to who I was, how I acted, etc. The thing is, I want to push that part of me away and just focus on who I am now and how to do so much better and do more good in the world. It bugs me so much that I can’t remember because I often think – what if I said something to someone or done something that was mean or cruel? Who was I back then? Who I am now.. I don’t think I could ever forgive who I was if I harmed someone or something. I believe it would impact me in a bad way and it would be even more difficult to move forward. I do believe, with all of my heart, that no matter what someone may do or say, that if they put their mind to it – if they put their heart in the right place and walk on the right path – that they can atone and that just as we are capable of doing the bad things, we are also just as capable to do good. I just need some insight on what I should do and how I can do it. I’m ready to open my eyes, heart, mind and soul to the present and be hopeful for the future without having to dwell upon the past. I am ready for peace of mind.

    December 26, 2013 at 5:10 pm #47616
    Lyla McLean
    Participant

    Hi Nathan, You already have your own answers. Live in the present as the person you are now. By doing good in the world you will atone for anything you may have done wrong before you knew the way you live today. Don’t torture yourself with imaginings about things you don’t remember because we can’t go back and relive the past. You sound to me like a good man with a good awareness of himself. Give yourself a break and embrace all your positive qualities. I hope this helps. If you did do something awful in the past other people would remember even if you did not.

    December 26, 2013 at 5:28 pm #47618
    Niy
    Participant

    Hi Nathan,
    What you are going through is very common and just like you said, if you think you can do it and you work hard enough, you can achieve what you want. And I think its obvious that you are passionate about changing your life. However, sometimes wanting is not enough. When deciding how you want to change your life, consider your surroundings. Are you around a positive environment? Do you have positive people surrounding you? Do you constantly think positive thoughts? It may not seem like it at first, but even these small things make a huge difference.
    You said that you are trying to remember details of your personal life, but that it has been difficult. Sometimes, the reason we forget things is vecause our mind is going into safe mode. Its deleting unnecessary, irrelevant or even displeasing things from your mind to help you cope with whatever you may have gone through. So make sure that when you are ready to go back to your past, you are also ready to take on that small amount of stress or baggage that may come with it. Next, you may want to accept it. Once you accept that this has happened to you, it may be easier to move on. Another way to try and rememver some of the stuff is to surround yoursekf with things that may remind you of anythung. Again, you should only do this is you are ready to accept the things that have happened to you. Peoplem tokens, or other items may help you. It may alsi be effective if you keep somebtype of journal or diary that helps you chronicle your journey. That way, if you have no one to confide in (or you just dont trust that you do), you can have something to get out of your mind.
    I think that as long as you dont let your sadness affect yoyr daily life, you will be fine. Sometimes, the thungs that are burdening us actually do a good deed for us.

    I truly hope that this has helped you, especially since I practically talked your head off! Feel free to message me, and I will try my absolute best to relate my 16 year-old experienxes to your 21 year- old ones.

    Happy peace finding!

    December 26, 2013 at 6:01 pm #47620
    Niy
    Participant

    P.s sorry for any grammatical mistakes, my Android is a bit difficult.

    January 6, 2014 at 5:35 pm #48544
    Nathan Morgan
    Participant

    I appreciate the advice from both of you. I really do. I am sorry that it has taken so long to respond. I’ve just been meditating on all of this. And while it seemed to have worked the first few times to let go, it seems like it just comes back. I am trying, though. So that’s a start. It can be hard.. I think I am just afraid that if I was a bad person in my past.. what would people think if it came to light? What would I think of myself then? The whole thing just tugs at my heartstrings and gives me a sick feeling in my gut. I often think that, perhaps, maybe I am imagining the whole thing? Like maybe this is some sort of.. I don’t know, imaginative nostalgia? No one in my family, my friends, nor anyone else that I know has told me that I am a bad person, that I have done bad things or said bad things.. not really ever. Although I don’t remember much, I do know that I did have a hot head when I was younger.. and I have worked to resolve that and so far it has worked out. But.. everything else.. I don’t know. Recently I have thought about giving up. I am married and I love my wife so much. I couldn’t imagine life without her. There was a time I contemplated suicide, quite often. I felt worthless, unimportant.. I felt as if every one and every thing would be better without me in the world. But then she came along and made everything better. Her smile and her laughter just lifts me up, always. I have just been having an internal battle with myself. I’ve told her what I am dealing with and she says that I have no idea how good of a person I am. And I know I’m not a bad, cruel, evil, heartless person. I know I have good qualities, I just.. It frightens me and hurts me so much that if I harmed someone in any way in my past life, I just don’t think I could live with myself. Like I said, I have thought about giving up and just throwing in the towel because it seems so hard to see past it all and move forward and create a better, more peaceful future for both myself and my wife. But something keeps me from giving up.. I just wish I had the answer. I wish I could just close my eyes for a moment and then open them to a fresh start, ya know? Am I losing my mind? I really don’t know.

    January 6, 2014 at 7:33 pm #48556
    Matt
    Participant

    Nathan,

    I don’t think you’re losing your mind, it just seems as if you’re turned backwards instead of inwards. Consider for a moment that when you used to get angry more easily, you ranted and acted like a fool. Eventually, you found a way to work with your anger more skillfully, and stopped the behaviors. That still leaves us with some karma, or some ripening of seeds internally and externally. Internally, it ripens as confusion and entanglement… as though the world is too much to understand or work with. No biggie, just breathe, be patient. Externally, perhaps that friend you yelled at might have some hurt feelings and one day yell at you or ask for an apology. You can’t predict it, but you can get into the habit of being kind (which it sounds like your gf sees in you already) and trust that your growing heart is ready and able to embrace whatever may come. If the friend yells at you, you know that he or she is in some kind of pain. If you’re asked for an apology, of course you’d give it. You don’t want to hurt anyone… you even stress out about pain you may have caused. Its enough, friend. You have a good heart, and a loving intention. Of course its been tough, and you’ve hurt people along the way. We all have. Buddha taught that we are born with a fundamental ignorance of the path to grow balance and joy. So we do our best and move on.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 8, 2014 at 12:07 pm #48697
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @poetichearttheory said:
    – what if I said something to someone or done something that was mean or cruel? Who was I back then? Who I am now..

    Being unable to continue with your plan because you can’t remember the past, what does it matter who you were when you hurt someone you don’t even remember? Things happen, lives change.

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