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Feeling lost/confused/heartbroken

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  • November 9, 2017 at 9:36 am #177195
    Confused123
    Participant

    hi, first poster here!

     

    just looking for some insight. Cut a long story short I have been in a 9 year relationship with my fiancé. We got together when I was 19 and I haven’t as much as looked at another man. Our relationship has been fun, loving, easy and simple. We were due to get married this year.

    december last year, I suffered a severe panic attack/anxiety and haven’t been able to recover since. It was overnight, I woke up one day thinking I don’t love him and I’m with the wrong person! I was off work for months as I was extremely distressed at these thoughts.

    It has been almost a year since these thoughts first begin, and although they come in phases, ie I can recover and get back to normal, I am starting to worry that maybe I am avoiding the truth?!? I have been to councilling, read alsorts of things online and even started learning about my spiritual side.

    These thoughts and feeling come and go. And I do get hope. I know I love this man, we have the best relationship. I cant help that think I would be making a big mistake by following this horrible instinct. The only thing I have not done is speak to like minded people. I have hope in this relationship but I need to hear from someone that we can get through this!

     

    Thanks anyone who can gove advise ☹️

    November 9, 2017 at 10:04 am #177207
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Confused123:

    I hope you can get through this but I don’t know if you can, not knowing what this is about. Therefore I ask: any changes in your life circumstances/ relationships shortly before that panic attack, December last year?

    How long before December of last year did you get engaged and were there some developments in the relationship shortly before the panic attack?

    Did you learn anything in the counseling you attended since?

    anita

     

    November 9, 2017 at 10:14 am #177215
    Confused123
    Participant

    Hi! Thanku for ur reply.

    Yes I remember so clearly what happened…. a couple of upsetting things happened. Firstly I had a huge fright on a train going to work, a man exposed himself to me and I got the police etc involved. My partner was away at the time and that same weekend his wallet was stolen from him so he was upset as he had photos of his grandparents in. I felt myself falling and falling in my head then boom, woke up on be Sunday morning and haven’t been the same since. Things have been so intense in my head ever since and I’m so many occasions have got myself into Such a state that I have almost called my whole relationship off. We decided to postpone our wedding after getting engaged in April 2016, wedding booked by August 2016.

    I have had so much support from him and my family. I love him dearly and the thought of being without him is so upsetting. I’m crying as I type this ha! ? I want to ge through this and be with this man.

    Throughout the year I have learned a lot about love and relationships, and can pick myself up after a bad patch, but somehow it always leads back to these “I don’t want to be with him” feelings ?☹️ I have googled signs of breakups, falling out of love, “follow ur heart” etc and I show no signs of wanting to break up with him! Yet something is not right with me ?

     

    so so sad xxx

    November 9, 2017 at 10:15 am #177217
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Confused123,

    I think the problem is that you’ve been with him for nine years! Plenty of enough time for the beginning and end of TWO long-term relationships! That is where this panic/instinct is coming from. The engagement has gone on for too long. I say get married at once or tell him (not to give you another panic attack here!) that this relationship has run its course.

    Best,

    Inky

    November 9, 2017 at 11:14 am #177257
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Confused123:

    I read your latest post. What happened in the counseling you attended on December of last year and/ or after?

    * did you attend counseling before Dec last year, before that panic attack?

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 11:30 am #177281
    Confused123
    Participant

    Before my panic attack I had no issues in life… no anxiety, no panic, I was always just happy with my life. I started the councilling in February  as i wasn’t coping with this new found anxiety. I had 6 sessions in total, the lady was great. She told me that my fear could stem back to my parents relationships in life and that I have a blue print in my head of why get married as everyone just seems to get divorced! I went with this for a while. I felt there was no more the lady could help me with so I haven’t been back. To be honest I don’t think she understood my thoughts! She told me to relax and just enjoy our life together what will be will be! Which I am happy with. But still getting these sad depressing thoughts. It’s like guilt, sad, anxious all rolled into one. It’s a horrible sinking feeling, sick in the pit of my stomach and lump in my throat type feeling.

    My confusion is that I still say and believe I love him! I can see us having kids and being married, I love coming home to him, we work so well together.

    Xxx

    November 9, 2017 at 11:53 am #177301
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear confused123:

    The incident you suffered in the train and your fiancé’s wallet being stolen, these do not read to me significant enough to warrant a beginning of anxiety such as you describe. I suppose you had a medical checkup, to look for a possible physical cause?

    In the absence of a detectable physical cause, some physical event that happened in December, some brain abnormality that happened then, I tend to think that the source of your anxiety is in your past, long ago. Something you were able to put away from your awareness best you can. What is it, I don’t know.

    Are you willing to explore such a possibility?

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 12:09 pm #177313
    Confused123
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    U r right these do not seem like enough to trigger all this. I remember thinking back though, my partner had lost his gran and struggled to come to terms with it too. She died the night of our engagement, and since then he was hard to communicate with. It was a long hard year last year, and I can’t help that feel like his wallet and the train incident tipped me way over my tipping point! Iv been broken.

    I would be willing to explore what you have said. Do you have any suggestions as to how I go about this?

    I know my heads not right. Only a couple of weeks ago I was ready for planning to get married again! Then I feel the fear and guilt tugging and then I’m right back down where I started. The last thing I want to do is break up because of this anxiety.  I need hope and guidance!

     

    Thank youfor your messages so far xxx

    November 9, 2017 at 12:23 pm #177325
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Confused123:

    I wonder how significantly your partner’s communication with you deteriorated since his grandmother’s death. That may be of some significance.

    I think that quality psychotherapy is necessary. The therapist or counselor you saw may have been right for you or not. It takes the right fit, someone who is caring and hard working, gentle and patient.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about 16 hours. If you would like to share with me by the time I am back about anything that may be of relevance, please do and I will reply when I am back.

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 12:39 pm #177331
    Confused123
    Participant

    I have just read up on what psychotherapy is and you are right again, this does seem like it would help me! I’m open to trying anything.

    I just want to feel calm and settled again. More so with Christmas coming up ☹️

    Thank you again xxx

    November 9, 2017 at 11:14 pm #177417
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. Given what you have described, it may be that the sequence of events triggered an unconscious memory or fear. Your panic attack may be in reaction to that deeply buried fear (an extreme flight/fight response triggered in the amygdala). These types of fears and panic responses are emotional, not logical. Often our logical mind cannot reasonably grasp or reason with such fears. Even a competent therapist who explores any underlying fears may need more than 6 sessions. That said, it does not sound like this therapist did that. In lieu of therapy, it might be helpful to journal about this and examine your feelings and fears. I wonder if both events triggered uncertainty and the go to response in your unconscious mind was to “create certainty” by having a ready solution that would, in theory, pre-empt loss (by controlling the loss via breakup) ? In other words, by feeling you can control loss you alievate the panic response to your deeper fear? I have no idea if this is correct but you likely do. Another possibility is that getting married can create anxiety for even the happiest couples. Combine all three and it may have been enough to create an unconscious fear reaction and defense. You seem quite clear you love your fiancé and see you together in life. So if you see no reason and had no significantly negative experiences with him, dig deeper in your feelings to uncover your fears. Logic will not solve your panic feeling, but facing your fears and working through them can. If you and your fiancé are open to it perhaps you can do this together. It is often amazing the insight you can gain from those closest to you. We are greater than our fears. I wish you much peace and healing so you can emerge your confident and joyful self.

     

     

    November 10, 2017 at 5:26 am #177457
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Confused123. I hope you feel better soon and that I will read from you again.

    anita

    November 10, 2017 at 11:54 am #177601
    Confused123
    Participant

    A4u and Anita,

    both your messages have gave me so much hope and calmness today!

    A4u you are spot on about the fear thing. I can see it clear sometimes… that when I feel fear I push my partner away. My subconscious tells me to leave him and suffer alone. I must find out more about this! A clear example of this was just last week… I was on track for 2 whole weeks and started feeling the wedding vibes again. My mum was up visiting, I had a long hard day at work and arrived home to my Mum who had brought my young nieces and nephews over. I had no food in for them, the dog ran away earlier that day, my mum had fed him his dinner at breakfast time and I was severely stressed out about the whole situation! I went to bed that night and felt myself falling and falling deep in my thoughts. And since then have been feeling low and sad again. Could this also indicate the fear in me? My family know that I need to make plans to have the kids around otherwise I get stressed. I was so angry at my mum for bringing them all over while I was at work. I’m aware I must sound like a spoilt brat but it’s the way I have always been with the kids being around!

    The journey you have suggested about getting myself back is familiar to me… this was my mums suggestion and it’s early days. I am finding hope and direction…. I guess my constant worry is if it’s possible to do this as a couple! I want it to be. Is it possible?!

    Xxxx

    November 10, 2017 at 7:05 pm #177631
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    When you experience your fear is it your inner voice telling you to leave and that you should feel guilt or “bad”? We all have an internal voice (called inner critic by Dr. Firestone, psychotherapist and author of Concour Your Inner Critic), but if you catch this inner critic, talk back to it. Use facts instead of fears to determine if your fear is valid. Also, when you start to feel overcome, take a few slow deep breaths to calm your anxiety. As for the kids, don’t let things like this derail you. There will be many more opportunities to see them. Instead, reframe your experience as “Oh Mom, you know I love spending time with the kids, but I hope you all enjoyed yourselves!” In other words, you are stating what’s true for you, but acknowledging the needs and experiences of others. This awareness and understanding will help you be more flexible and calm. You want to see the kids because it brings you joy, but you and you alone are responsible for your happiness and then you get to share that happiness with others. This is a shift in perspective, but necessary for relationship success. I would recommend reading and practicing some mindfulness (living in the now). This website has many excellent articles. You may also visit my site, affinity4us.com. Sometimes a shift in perspective with practice is all that is needed. As for working things out together, yes it is possible and can work very well. Ideally both of you take personal responsibility for your feelings and work on your own fears and concerns independently to become your best self (confident, secure, positive) and together, work through triggers that surface in your relationship and support each other’s efforts without blame or defensiveness. Fears and defenses are deep and take practice to confront and release but you can if you remain open and dedicated. I wish you much success in you positive and healthy journey!

    November 11, 2017 at 10:21 am #177693
    Confused123
    Participant

    A4u thanks for your reply,

    i had the feeling of fear while at work today and I tried my best to really think about what was going on. I guess I was feeling quite positive, we had talked about booking a holiday this morning.  When I got to work my mind starting wandering and I started to feel sick at thinking I might be wasting my partners time and that I don’t deserve him. I get so panicy thinking about not being with him. The thought of going shopping without him, what meals he would eat etc. Makes me feel sick, I’m crying again whilst I’m writing this. Maybe I’m thinking I don’t love him enough (inner voice) but my head is telling me I go over and above for him whenever I can therefore I do love him! I need to realise this.

    Something tells me this would be happening with any partner I may be with so I feel deep down it’s not him and I shouldn’t be pushing him away. I have the money and support behind me to do this alone but I want desperately to overcome this as a couple. He means too much to me to let go.

    I will have a look at your website tomorrow, thanks so much for your time.

     

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