Feeling not good enough

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    So I am in a bit of a hurry so I will make this fast.
    I have liked a boy for the past two years. He has known but never showed any feelings back. A couple days back, he met my other friend and is now going to ask her out.
    I feel so terrible about myself. Yet again, I feel like I am not good enough. I have been crying and feeling really crappy about myself: I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, I don’t say the right things.
    I have never had a boyfriend at 23 and this whole thing is reminding me that maybe no one will ever find me worth loving. I feel so sad at the moment. How do I cope with feeling like I am worthless as well as not be jealous of my friend? I already have a low self-esteem and this is just another blow to it.


    OK, I will make this fast also.
    The fact that he’s not in love with you has nothing to do with your qualities. Most people are not in love with any given person, even if they’re lovely. He doesn’t love you. That has nothing to do with how loveable you are, and everything to do with him, what he likes, etc.

    You’ll have to grow your confidence yourself, without looking for a boy to give it to you. If you work on your feelings and your outlook on life, you’ll have a better life regardless of whether someone is attracted to you. Though, if it helps motivate you, they will be once you become a mature, confident and self-contained person.


    Dear Claudia:
    I am sorry you feel unloeable and not good enough. I lived five decades feeling this way. It is a painful way to go through life. I finally- at 48- met the man who loved me and it took me a few years to get it that he loves me and I finally am relaxing into the comfort and security of a mutually loving relationship.

    I came out of a childhood lacking love, having been unloved and abused. It took me a long, long time and great psychotherapy starting at 51, a few years of healing and more to come. I hope you find love sooner than i had. I hope you have psychotherapy if you need it sooner than i did.

    If you didn’t learn that you are loveable in your childhood; if you came out damaged from your childhood- you will need help to believe that you are loveable. It is not a belief you can reach yourself, alone. You will need a new safe, trustworthy, intimate relationship with another person so to believe that you are loveable. It may done through a professional relationship with a good psychotherapist and/ or a relationship with a mature, trustworthy other person.

    I hope you find your way:


    Firstly, never think it is about you. Does this other boy know that you were interested. Maybe he thought you werent interested and your friend expressed or showed him she liked him and showed him she was interested. If its meant to be its meant to be.
    Secondly, these inner thoughts are your own about not being good enough. What i mean is that no one can see or hearcthem but you. I bet you you are the only person that believes this. I bet you have so many amazing friends that would think and tell you otherwise. If you believe in yourself, you should by the way! Then this internal thought will be externalised. Start small, one step at a time, think of everything yyou have and achieved, recognise that you deserve to be proud of your achievements and stop being hard on yourself. As i know myself, we are our own worse critics. If that fails, if a friend came to you seeking advice, saying they wrent good enough, wouldnt you stop that nonsense talk. Look at it from another point of view, in someone elses shoes.
    I do hope you realise that you are good enough, andcut will take time and practice to get there. But never give up. Please dont be hard on yourself, i know that no one else thinks this way of you and any true friend will help you realise that. Hope my words help you to see things in a different light! All the best!


    Remember that it is faulty thinking to place your own self worth into another’s hands. In this life, no matter who you are or what you do, some people like you and others will not. I think everyone has fallen for someone who does not return their affections, welcome to the human race! That rite of passage is not fun, but it’s something almost everyone can relate to.

    For a lot of people, when they know someone has a crush on them, it pushes them away. I’m not recommending you play manipulative games, but often, with trying to attract a gf/bf, they want the thrill of the chase. I suggest you make yourself very busy in pursuing your own self growth through making yourself very busy pursuing your own passions and working on yourself. If you have feelings of low self worth, sit down and think about what it would take to win yourself over. . . what does a worthy person look like? If you value kindness and service, think about a way you can volunteer for a worthy cause you can help. If you value culture and intellect, take a workshop or class to learn about art history or literature. The more you work on yourself and improve yourself, the more confidence you will build and confidence is FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE to a bf/gf than good looks. No one healthy wants to rescue someone or to be someone’s “other half.” Once you get to a place where you feel good about who you are without a boyfriend, you will be attracting a lot more people in your life who will want to know you and/or date you. It helps to be busy and to have a “life” apart from a dating life. If you’re busy doing your own thing, and someone has to work to build a place in your life, they will value you more and you will have a lot more to bring to the table as a self-confident woman who is fully engaged with the world around her.

    If you keep yourself busy working on becoming the “you” you want to grow into, you’ll be way too busy to be jealous about your friend dating this guy. If you can find it in yourself, try to let this guy go and wish him happiness in wherever he chooses to go. If you can be detached and wish him the best while you pour yourself into things that bring your life meaning, you will soon be free of this guy and open yourself up to a whole new world of opportunity personally and socially.

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