Dear Namaste,

I don’t think it’s selfish to have needs and wants.

No, it’s not selfish at all, we all have legitimate needs and don’t need to sacrifice them and suffer in the long-run. This being sad, it appears you might have sacrificed your emotional needs during your 36-yr marriage, in which you were emotionally abandoned and psychologically abused. You sacrificed your needs in that marriage – out of loyalty and unselfishness.

He was sick (mentally) and you took care of him because you loved him. It’s almost like having a sick child and dedicating your life to them, only your husband wasn’t your child. Still, you dedicated your life to him, but eventually you couldn’t take it any more, when “his behavior became more erratic toward the end of our marriage”. You left when it became unsafe – meaning only when it was dangerous for your physical well-being. But you stayed all those years, even though your emotional well-being was at stake.

Now, it seems to me, you don’t want to sacrifice your needs any longer. You don’t want to repeat the experience from your marriage. You want all that you’ve missed for so long to now be compensated by your partner.

You say “I am not over demanding or needy.” It seems to me you were not demanding or needy in your marriage, but you are now. The old wounds got opened…  and I believe your original childhood wound is having been abandoned, however you suppressed it and compensated it for a long time by being a care-taker to someone who would never abandon you… But that fell apart, and your original wound got opened… Do you resonate with any of this?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.

Dear Namaste,

I’m now trying to have healthy boundaries and acknowledge that it’s OK for me to have things I want and need. I don’t see how this translates to demanding and needy with my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend seems to be in a difficult spot, because he has to care about his sick son (could you say a bit more about his son’s illness?). You said he intends (or intended) to move back to you, but “he already missed his first deadline and now in addition to sadness/grief, I feel anger/resentment and loss of trust”.

So he’s delayed his return and you feel abandoned and betrayed. He on the other hand says “he just needs a little more time to help his son and then he can move back”. But you feel it’s lasted for too long (1,5 years) and it will likely never end since his son has serious issues.

Could you tell me a bit more about how much time per day he spends on his son? And when he’s not caring for his son, does he talk only about him, i.e. is he completely preoccupied with his son’s condition to the point that he cannot give proper attention to you? Is his son the only topic of discussion and interest for him, and that’s why you feel neglected?

Dear bby1212:

His heavy- duty travelling lifestyle does not fit with what you need: a partner who is there with you, regularly, reliably.

“at the end of the day it feels unfair that someone would choose to be gone from their partner for so long without any type of reconsidering their job“- his priority is to continue his job and travelling, not how you feel about it. And by itself, it’s his right to prioritize his job over a relationship. It’s your right to accept or reject being in a relationship with him.

“I broke it off in the spring due to a SLEW of issues mostly caused by him traveling so much, so sporadically, and for so long“- would you like to elaborate on the slew of issues?

anita