Dear Jane:

I re-read your posts in your May 2019 thread on the issue of your son, so to better understand your original post here. A few quotes and comments on what you shared there before I address the shame you mentioned today:

A year and 10 months ago, you were still considering remaining in contact with your son: “I would really like to dispense with the whole mother/ son dynamic and just become a person talking to another person without all that other parent/ child stuff in the way”-

– problem is that if it was not for your parent/ child connection with him, you would have no reason to be in contact with a man who kept asking you for money and receiving help, never or rarely said thank; a man who rejected your loving advice again and again, a man who needed professional help for his mental health issues but insisted that he has no problems, refusing to attend the medical appointments you made for him, blaming you for suggesting that he has problems: “If I try to suggest help he gets angry.. his tirade then got out of hand and I walked out anyway. I will not open myself up to verbal abuse”.

You wrote at the time that his presence in your life caused you “constant pain” and that “For years I felt I was being punished by him”. Later on in the thread, you wrote: “I am prepared to completely cut those strings if need be- there is nothing more I can do”.

In your current thread you mentioned shame in the context of (1) you having indeed cut those strings with your son, his partner and his child and (2) your other family members not knowing about it.

Wikipedia, on shame: “Shame is a discrete, basic emotions, described as a moral or social emotion that drives people to hide or deny their wrongdoing. The focus of shame is on the self.. with respect to a perceived audience“-

-seems to me that your perceived audience is your family members and you are afraid that in their minds what you did (end contact with your son) is a wrongdoing.

Brene Brown on shame: “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 ingredients to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive”

“It is important, however, that when we reach out for a supportive/ empathetic person.. that we choose the people who we have a relationship that can bear the weight of our story”-

– not telling your family about your no contact with your son is your secret, and keeping this secret from your family leads to shame. On the other hand, if you tell them the secret, they may respond with judgment and lack of empathy for you.

You shared about your older sister in your second thread, about how domineering she was when she visited you, how she spoke for you, telling people that you feel this way or that way when it was not true, that she asked you questions but did not accept your answers as valid if she disagreed.  I am guessing that if you tell her the secret, she may be judgmental and not empathetic.

My closing thoughts: (1) It is crucial that you practice self- empathy, that you get to believe more and more that you are not a bad person for ending contact with your son, but a good person who rightly wants less pain in her life, (2) Having suffered pain when you were in contact with your son did not help him or his child:  your pain was useless then and it is useless now. It does not help anyone and it hurts you, (3) as you anticipate perhaps the judgment of your family members, ask yourself if they are your moral superiors, if their lives are free from what you believe to be their wrongdoings, (4) I suggest that you tell your secret to all your family members, telling them that your decision is not open to negotiation and that you want your decision respected, and then, be prepared to.. end contact with any family member who chooses to disrespect your decision, (5) The situation with your son and your relationship history with him is unfortunate, so there is no way to feel good about it, but there is a way and it is the right thing for you to no longer feel unnecessary pain about it.

A closing quote from Brene Brown: “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’ If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky”.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by .

Dear Jane,

In your 2019 thread you said that it was your fault that your son turned out like that. You said: “It is my fault- I have been a negligent and incompetent parent, but yet I maintain healthy relationships with my other child, my grandchildren, my siblings, my nieces and nephews and my friends and their children. Just this one I have failed in and am judged by.”

Could you tell a bit more about why you believe you’ve been “a negligent and incompetent parent”? Because if you’re blaming yourself for how you’ve brought up your son, probably that’s one of the reasons why you feel shame for cutting him off now.

You are welcome, Jane. You can come back to me with your thoughts anytime.

anita

Hi Jane,

I’m sorry to read that the relationship with your son is broken but based on our earlier communication I support the difficult decisions you’ve had to make. We parents make plenty of mistakes so we take responsibility for them and try to do better, but we can’t always control what happens. Parent-child estrangements are painful and common. I’m so sorry you’re no longer in touch with your grandchild, but this is not your choice. It’s out of your control.

Your son is now a new father and will make his own parenting mistakes, like separating his child from a loving grandmother. Eventually, he’ll figure it out.

In the mean time, may your siblings provide the comfort you need when you tell them of the sadness you feel.

B