Ever since i was a child people have always expected great things out of me; my parents especially always wanted me to be the best at every thing.It left this feeling that i always had to prove myself, and that i was never good enough into someone else said i was. during my 5th grade year i transferred to an all white private, being a black student i did stand out, but not for good reasons . I often found myself trying too hard to impress others and or make them laugh.It felt good to have others appreciate my presence and for awhile i lived in this mindset constantly trying to better myself not only for my parents sake but also for the approval of others. Later around freshmen your i went back to a mostly black public school. my two years i spent there i was constantly made fun of not only for my proper English but for the way i dress,and the many activities i participated in (skateboarding, soccer) for a while i loved being different from all my other class mates. then their sly remarks and put down comments started t get to me. during my sophomore year i stuck to myself not really speaking to anyone(even though i wasn’t really even a talkative person to begin with) i became really anti-social.don’t get me wrong its not like i hated myself but these things still got to me and started to build this identity in my mind. And made me severely depressed. Later my sophomore year i met (fake name) Sierra, and really hit it off. two months after i met her we started dating; i believe she is the reason i was no longer depressed. during the course of our relationship we really got close, but good things never last and she had to go off to college. I was devastated after she left i felt like i had no idea who i was anymore, this state made me feel completely lost in life, and ive been trying to work my way through it, ive read article after article but nothing seems to work. At this point i dont even think its Sierra fault that im in this state. i just feel like i don’t know who i am or even how to find out who i am deep down. Plus after sierra left ive had a really hard time getting close too anyone. Her leaving plus the constant self hatred beforehand built a thick layer of social anxiety even too my closest friends. I find myself ignoring text from people too avoid conversation. and the ones that ive tried talking to always eventually get bored of me and stop responding so to save myself the pain of not being entertaining enough i avoid them altogether. I just feel like i dont know who i am therefore i find it hard to value myself. I want to begin the process of becoming more solid in my identity and being happy with the introverted person that i a, but i dont know where to start.

(sorry for the grammar mistakes writing this at 5 am lol)