January 1, 2017 at 4:34 am #124197
Ever since i was a child people have always expected great things out of me; my parents especially always wanted me to be the best at every thing.It left this feeling that i always had to prove myself, and that i was never good enough into someone else said i was. during my 5th grade year i transferred to an all white private, being a black student i did stand out, but not for good reasons . I often found myself trying too hard to impress others and or make them laugh.It felt good to have others appreciate my presence and for awhile i lived in this mindset constantly trying to better myself not only for my parents sake but also for the approval of others. Later around freshmen your i went back to a mostly black public school. my two years i spent there i was constantly made fun of not only for my proper English but for the way i dress,and the many activities i participated in (skateboarding, soccer) for a while i loved being different from all my other class mates. then their sly remarks and put down comments started t get to me. during my sophomore year i stuck to myself not really speaking to anyone(even though i wasn't really even a talkative person to begin with) i became really anti-social.don't get me wrong its not like i hated myself but these things still got to me and started to build this identity in my mind. And made me severely depressed. Later my sophomore year i met (fake name) Sierra, and really hit it off. two months after i met her we started dating; i believe she is the reason i was no longer depressed. during the course of our relationship we really got close, but good things never last and she had to go off to college. I was devastated after she left i felt like i had no idea who i was anymore, this state made me feel completely lost in life, and ive been trying to work my way through it, ive read article after article but nothing seems to work. At this point i dont even think its Sierra fault that im in this state. i just feel like i don't know who i am or even how to find out who i am deep down. Plus after sierra left ive had a really hard time getting close too anyone. Her leaving plus the constant self hatred beforehand built a thick layer of social anxiety even too my closest friends. I find myself ignoring text from people too avoid conversation. and the ones that ive tried talking to always eventually get bored of me and stop responding so to save myself the pain of not being entertaining enough i avoid them altogether. I just feel like i dont know who i am therefore i find it hard to value myself. I want to begin the process of becoming more solid in my identity and being happy with the introverted person that i a, but i dont know where to start.
(sorry for the grammar mistakes writing this at 5 am lol)January 1, 2017 at 5:59 am #124198
Happy New Year!
When great things are expected of us, the shadow side of that thought is “Aren't I already good enough?” On the flip side you have children who no one expects anything of but they have the same Prove Myself anxiety.
A wise though lazy phrase someone said to me once was, “You don't HAVE to do anything”. It was very freeing. You don't HAVE to do great things. You don't HAVE to entertain people. You don't HAVE to win people's love (Is it really love if you have to win it?).
Now we boil it down to what do you WANT to do? Not what you THINK you want to do. But what would you do if you were in heaven or in a perfect environment?
Go do that.
InkyJanuary 1, 2017 at 9:33 am #124208
I think you need someone to approve of you just the way you are. We all need that. Unfortunately, your parents started you on the path of self rejection, and the current high school peers continue their job with what I call Subtle Bullying, sly remarks and put downs.
You have to have someone on your side. Maybe this is why your ex girlfriend was so important in your life. Who will be on your side now? Could be a competent, empathetic counselor/ therapist in school or outside school; could be other individuals who do not fit the social conventions held by your peers (what is considered “cool”, acceptable).
Don't give up on yourself- it is not that you are lacking something in you, I believe. The problem is that you need to SEE and APPROVE of who you already are, by having someone else see you and approve of you first.
Hope you post again.
anitaJanuary 2, 2017 at 4:32 pm #124375
Sounds like something I can relate to only too well. 1 thing that helped me was writing to myself. Conversing in a way. Tapping into who I was/am and working out my aspects. Starting with your nature. But it's more than hard when around younger people who have yet to learn the importance of what we say and do and how it affects others. So you're in a difficult spot. But trust me when I say this, I speak from personal experience: feel the fear and do it anyway. That's a title from a book I've read that helped me greatly with dealing with my fear of being myself around other people. We won't get along with everybody. But of your nature is true, you will get along with yourself, and that matters. And when you do meet people who can connect on your level and understand you then it gets amplified in more ways. It's hard, but it will get easier. You have to want and also look at the broader picture in this life. If possible seek local places/venues where people get together socially and just chuck yourself in and see what's going on. Observe and just be quiet until you understand the people. It's just a suggestion. But something I like to do myself. Part of feeling comfortable around people is when you've gained a bit more insight into them. Granted you need to do this with yourself first. So I'm probably jumping ahead a bit. But please take small steps. Record your progress and feel good for not letting the fear hold you back from developing and being yourself. But we all grow. Choose to accept this and continue moving forward, if you want to