Feeling stuck in a cycle of anger/hurt/sadness

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by Snow Blind.

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May 6, 2014 at 5:40 pm #55903

S.R
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I was in a relationship with a guy for a year. He was very charming, sweet, supportive, etc at the beginning. Things turned sour about 2 months into the relationship and I realized it was extremely toxic. I was never felt okay to be myself, I was told I wasn’t enough as I was, and I felt like his project. I lost weight, he changed how I dressed, cut my hair, got a promotion to get his approval, and I rarely did get the approval. Age might have also been a factor (I am 31 & he is 55).

Finally after a year he wanted to take a break. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said no. My instincts told me something wasn’t right and I found his new personal ad from the dating site we met on. That was my breaking point. We stopped talking for a month and when we did talk again I told him that I didn’t trust him. He got mad and said we couldn’t even be friends.

It has been 5 months since I have contacted him. I’ve found that he has many traits of a sociopath and narcissism after doing some research on myself and my relationship trends. From what I read most therapists stated that it is impossible to “cure” a sociopath and most tend to have very short relationships. I feel a pit of rage in my stomach that I was lied to, that I allowed myself to be treated badly, and that I let it go for so long and denied my own insinicts. I feel that I am carrying this anger into a new relationships and I know it’s not fair to others to deal with this.

This morning I texted him and asked him to go to dinner. I’ve been scared to run into him again or to even the part of town where he lives. I can’t live in fear anymore so I am planning to tell him at dinner that I forgive him. I am not expecting an apology I just need to do it for myself. I don’t want a relationship with him anymore but I have a fear that I am going into the lion’s den. Any words of advice?

May 6, 2014 at 7:24 pm #55924

Big blue
Participant

S.R.-

I totally understand what you were going through. I’ve dated a cluster B like woman who was much older. I had to end it, and my therapist helped me with a firm nudge as it was bad for my health. I wanted to get out and came close, many times, and eventually it was so painful that I broke it off easily and have kept it that way.
The charm process and manipulation – plus me being in the role of fixer – get you stuck so much that even if you know what is happening it is really hard to get unstuck. I almost had it happen again since then with someone else.
My advice is to say what you need to say, but don’t expect any understanding from him. Then do not get back in touch in any way.
Also, know that you can be prone to this type of relationship, so be aware and avoid it in the future if you can. Not all of my relationships were like that, I’ve had some great relationships. You can too – so do what ever you can to move on and take care of yourself.

Big blue

May 6, 2014 at 9:53 pm #55939

S.R
Participant

Big blue,

Thank you so much for your insight. I am not expecting any understanding from him. The funny thing is that I almost had a repeat myself with another controller but thankfully a stolen cell phone prevented us from meeting. I wish so much that he could be able to truly connect with people but I guess that we all have our own battles to fight.

Thank you again,

S.R

May 7, 2014 at 11:36 am #55953

Kelly
Participant

Hi, S.R. I don’t know if your dinner was for the same day (yesterday) or if it hasn’t happened yet, but I would strongly suggest you do not follow through with it. Based on what you’ve told us, I don’t think it will go over well. He responded poorly to you telling him you don’t trust him – telling him you “forgive” him for something he doesn’t even find any personal responsibility for will likely lead to similar results. You’re not expecting any understanding from him, so why bother with the dinner meeting at all? You can still forgive him within your heart without verbalizing it to him. Forgiveness means letting go. Just my two cents.

May 7, 2014 at 12:35 pm #55956

Anonymous
Inactive

Run, this aint worth all the nonsense and drama. its not your job to fix a sociopath to feel better about yourself.

May 7, 2014 at 2:20 pm #55963

Big blue
Participant

…Kelly and Moon are 100% right, but you’re enmeshed with him, so my advice is to talk with your therapist about how to detach and focus on yourself.

May 7, 2014 at 3:32 pm #55968

S.R
Participant

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I had a night to think it over and realized that it is not needed for me to move on. I have been hurt enough and I need to start doing what is best for myself. Making contact somehow removed the hold that was there from before. I don’t feel the same rage at all. I am going to refocus on loving and accepting myself.

Thanks again

May 7, 2014 at 7:03 pm #55974

Snow Blind
Participant

SR,
I married a narcissistic sociopath. It was a nightmare, to say the least. I, too, was fearful of running into that monster. He was an emotional, soul-sucking vampire. I say “was” because I happily found out that he drank and drugged himself to death…leaving behind a path of destruction that included numerous women, church pastors, doctors that he scammed, and more. Thank G*d he’s not on this planet to destroy another life. He was SO successful and proud of that! Glad you’re feeling better.
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