Dear canary:

Welcome back! I read the beginning of your original post and I didn’t understand,  you wrote: “Before I met my ex, I never had trouble with feeling appreciated because I felt appreciated by my family and friends. When my ex entered my life, he would constantly compliment me and appreciate the little quirks that I didn’t know I even had. He appreciated every side of me, good & bad. It gave me so much confidence because I struggled with low self-esteem“–

– If before you met your ex, you never had trouble with feeling appreciated, how is it that.. before you met your ex, you struggled with low self esteem?

anita

Dear canary,

your ex boyfriend seems to have been really supportive. He accepted you unconditionally, didn’t criticize you for anything, and appreciated the things about you that you thought were weird and awkward, such as being quiet among people. He also liked your physical appearance, so you felt desirable, unlike before. He also encouraged you and praised you when you stepped out of your comfort zone, to fight back your anxiety.

I embraced my weird quirks and he liked it. When I would act that way in front of other people, they did not like it so I felt the need to hide that part of me. That’s what I meant by “bad sides” of me.

Do you mean when you were quiet in front of others? Or your weird quirks involved something else? Would you mind sharing one example of such a “weird quirk”?

Dear canary,

We were always making jokes and acting silly, so that is what I mean by my “weird quirks”.

I see, so you were on the same wavelength with him, had a similar sense of humor, and it was pleasant and enjoyable to spend time with him, making jokes and having fun. Other people didn’t necessarily like your jokes or your behavior, and you didn’t feel appreciated by them. You couldn’t be yourself around them, you needed to hide that part of yourself. With him, you could be yourself.

Since you’re not together anymore and his behavior changed drastically – how do you feel about those quirks of yours now? Do you feel they are bad? Has your image of yourself changed, because he isn’t supportive any more?

I’m not sure if my family/friends didn’t appreciate those parts of me that I consider to be bad.

You said “other people” didn’t appreciate it. Who are those other people, besides family and friends, whose opinion you care about?

Dear canary,

My image of myself has changed and I don’t feel my quirks or personality is something I should be ashamed of. I do water down my personality in front of people because it takes a while for me to warm up enough to be myself completely, but I don’t believe it’s a bad thing.

That’s good, it means you grew and can better accept your individuality. Great!

The other people are just classmates or mutual friends that I’m not super close to but we know each other. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I care about their opinion. Because we aren’t even close, but I still care about the way they perceive me.

Right. We can never be liked by everyone, so perhaps you’d need to accept that some people won’t necessarily like you, but it has nothing to do with you, but with their own preferences? How does that sound to you?

I feel unappreciated because my personality is not being appreciated in the same way it was when I was with my ex. I do appreciate myself and I accept my personality as it is, but I still feel unappreciated and I’m not exactly sure why.

Perhaps it is just you who accepts yourself completely (the way your ex used to), but no one else? How about your family? Do you feel they accept you completely? I remember you said you have two older siblings, and that they had each other for support, while you felt alone perhaps? This is what you said in your previous thread:

I have 2 older siblings and I’m the youngest. My older siblings are one year apart so they had each other for support. I am the youngest and my parents decided that when I was born they would parent me better and I was the closest to my mother. My siblings grew up afraid because my father was strict and would yell a lot. My father didn’t yell at me as much but I learned to stand up for myself because of it. Honestly, I was given the most attention out of my siblings because I was the youngest and my parents wanted me to have a happy childhood.

In this scenario, it could be possible that your siblings were a little jealous of you because you were treated better than them? And also, because you were younger, they didn’t feel that bond with you as they felt with each other? I am totally guessing here, so please disregard if this wasn’t the case.

Dear canari:

You shared in your previous threads and in this one that you are a college student living at home. Growing up, your father yelled a lot (maybe he still does), and you were bullied in elementary school. You shared that you’ve suffered from “severe depression & anxiety” for which you were prescribed several medications by a psychiatrist Aug 2019- May 2021.

The relationship with your boyfriend started Aug 2019, the same month that you started taking an anti-depressant and other psychiatric medications, and ended  April 2020, the month before you stopped the psychiatric medications.

You attributed the reason for the breakup to be your severe depression and anxiety that he tried and failed to help you with: “The reason for our breakup:– I was suffering from severe depression & anxiety and it made me difficult to deal with.. he tried to be there for me, there wasn’t a lot he could do“.

Later, you shifted your description of your ex boyfriend from a caring, empathetic boyfriend to one who has suffered from Asocial Personality Disorder since his childhood: “my ex has ASPD -Antisocial Personality Disorder“. (A person with a diagnosis of ASPD disregards and violates the rights of other people, lies, deceives, manipulates and exploit others without feeling guilty, etc.).

Going back and forth about your characterization of your ex boyfriend, you wrote:

“He is by no means an evil person..  He is a bad person, extremely arrogant only cares for himself… he would never empathize with me.. he is fully aware that he is a bad person and he even admits it… He appreciated every side of me, good & bad… he did support me whenever I would tell him I did something out of my comfort zone and fight back my anxiety. So he appreciated my bad sides, but also encouraged me to be my true self and fight back my anxiety“-

– I don’t understand these extreme contradictions in your characterization of your former boyfriend. When I asked you about these contradictions you explained that he was evil to everyone else except for his few loved-ones, you being one of his loved-ones. But then you contradicted this explanation when saying, before the explanation: “Things are so much clearer after I learned that my ex has ASPD…I understand why he did all the hurtful things to me“.

anita