Hi,

It’s actually him. He has a volatile personality. He gets these moods when he picks on everything I do.  When am working I like listening to music or video. It helps me focus when am feeling off-balance which is how I feel today. I have a mild case of autism as well as horrible PMS. So, sometimes I get triggered by certain things around me. To calm down I listen to music or switch on a video. I won’t necessarily be watching but it gives me an opportunity to shut the world out.

A narrow-minded man like him wouldn’t understand if I told him I have autism and sometimes I struggle to focus with so much noise around me. I am also learning slowly that he is very selfish and he hardly ever speaks for me as my boss. he is so indifferent to my work problems. I feel so frustrated.

I wanted to take Monday off as mother’s day because this month I have horrible PMS. It’s only a Day! and he just dismisses it like its nothing. This is a married man who has seen first-hand how horrible PMS can be. but he is so indifferent that I feel like am drowning in shark-infested waters. I feel heartbroken, to be honest.

Elizabeth

Anita,

I am fluffy and sweet and full of spice and all things flowery. Like a marshmallow.

Elizabeth

Anita,

It feels like it’s alive and literally burrowing a hole in my soul. It is draining and just takes over my whole mind. It’s funny that for the longest time I have imagined horrible things happening to Christopher. I have wanted to hurt him back even worse. I don’t know if I will ever really respect him as a human being ever again because he is disappointing on so many levels. He talks big but he is none of the things he talks about.

He is so obsessed with how the world sees him because somehow he thinks that if they acknowledge him off of what they see then he will be happy. He was raised by a single mother and she had a tough time.  This is why I am even more disappointed in him as a human being. I honestly thought he would be more understanding of me seeing that I am a single mother too. Human beings are so disappointing. The more I think about everything I have been through the more I realise that a puritan such as myself is not made for a world full of hypocrites and pretenders. liars and chauvinists. I find it all so appalling, to be honest with you.

I remember having a conversation with him right before I gave up on him. He says to me that he didn’t think our break-up would be as bad as it is at the moment. I remember asking him if he thought it through carefully before he broke up with a woman who had just had a miscarriage. If he had thought of the words that would come out of his mouth. If he had stopped to think that even though he didn’t love me as he so clearly professed to on that day if he had stopped to ask him, self how he would feel if someone said that to him during his darkest time.

His response was so amusing. He says he is sorry. He didn’t think things would get this bad. he says to me sorry several times. he says he is sorry for the horrible things he did to me. But even his apology feels hollow. I ask him if his intention was to completely break me and burn the bridge when he came to talk to me that day. he doesn’t answer me at all. I remember saying to him that if that was his intention then he succeeded.

He keeps saying sorry, which is useless to me. Because he is one person I shared my heart with and he knows full well that I hate the word sorry. sorry is just an empty word said by people who feel bad about what kind of beings they are. It’s 98% not for the person they have hurt with their actions or their words. I find the word sorry very hypocritical and annoying.

I think am rumbling again. lol

Elizabeth

Anita,

I think that Christopher is not as bad a person as you imagine or present him to be, maybe he is not bad at all. I think that for you, he represents this type of person in your early life, meaning, a parent/ adult caretaker who was supposed to take good care of you, but rejected you,  and disappointed you. I think that you are still terribly angry at that person, and projecting that anger to Christopher. 

It’s quite understandable that it may come out biased that I talk about Christopher in this angry tone. He was very special to me. He was my friend even before he became my lover. I met him at a time when I had lost that one person who meant a lot to me.

When I got pregnant I remember I told Christopher about it. he was scared as most men usually are. I was equally scared. but there is one thing I had made clear from the onset that I don’t believe in abortion. so he knew that this was a possibility especially that we never used protection. He stepped up early on. they always do. About 2 weeks after I told him about the pregnancy, he asks me in the morning on our way to work if my parents asked who I would say was responsible for my pregnancy.. you can’t possibly imagine how much that broke my heart. I remember thinking to myself, what kind of a stupid question is this…

I was very much aware that he didn’t plan the pregnancy, neither did i. The pregnancy was riddled with complications. I kept spotting. one time I called him while at work because I had started bleeding. I needed to get to the hospital real quick. He says to me he would call me back and let me know if he manages to get me transport because I didn’t have my car yet. he simply never calls. I found my way to get to the hospital and get treated. Get back to work and he never calls. All the while I felt so guilty that he was going to be tied down to me when it was clear for me to see how that thought made him so unhappy. I could see it on his face, I could hear it each time I called.

This is not the only time I had noticed his attitude. back then when I had something to give he was nice and sweet. When it came to a point where he had to help me he didn’t like it. anything that involved him doing anything for me made him unhappy. I never asked him for anything. In my mind, I thought we were friends.

And you shared that he was relieved when you miscarried after a pregnancy that he did not plan or want, which is quite understandable, to be relieved.. not evil. This I understand. As sad as I was, now I equally realise that my life and that poor child life would have been immensely painful. I have been through pregnancy alone. Baby Daddy was married, but his culture allows polygamy so that was not unusual. But him trying to use my pregnancy to try and manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to do or control me made me leave him. That pregnancy was not easy. it was a very hard time for me. One thing I know for sure after my first experience is I never want to have a child with someone who doesn’t want to have a child with me. They get so horrible and once is enough for me.

On the day I had a miscarriage, he did drive me to the hospital. He left me there. I called him after I got confirmation. I was in a lot of pain. I felt guilty for that poor soul that never asked to be born and how its life was cut short. I could hear him smile on the phone. During my pregnancy after our conversation, I had resolved that I would do it myself. I couldn’t stand another episode such as the one I had with my first pregnancy. I can never force a child on anyone. So I blocked him from my phone. and just stopped calling him.

That’s what he wanted after all right?

I am not saying I was without blame in the whole situation. I tried to absorb his responsibility for what happened because I felt so guilty for getting pregnant. It ate at me and took over my whole being. Because he didn’t want anyone knowing about my pregnancy, I stupidly told him then we could take a break from each other so that we can throw suspicion from him. he gladly jumped at this. It was so sad watching all this. I felt extremely lonely. In the days that followed after the miscarriage, I was in a lot of pain. I incurred all the expenses and not once did he ever offer to help me out.

He was out on the town hanging with his friends, driving his boss’ car who I later found out he was sleeping with for work favours. Through the doctor’s visits and my hospital stays, he never once came to see me. Each time he saw me its because I begged this guy to come over.

The way he spoke to me, he had neither empathy nor consideration for me. We met two weeks after my miscarriage, my friends had taken me out because I had been mopping about. Bumped into him at a club, then he tries to act like everything is cool and breezy between us. That offended me so much on so many levels.

Two weeks prior he said to me while I was breaking apart that I was directing my love at the wrong person. wow! Broke up with me in the most painful way. As he walks out of my house he says to me don’t think too much and try and get some sleep. I remember asking him if the concern he had just shown at that moment was necessary then. He says to me and I quote, “yeah yeah, I know am evil” very dismissively. To this, I never said a thing. He got in his car and I closed the gate and walked off.

Sometimes it’s possible for people to project. But I doubt I am projecting. Despite how angry I have been, I have made a lot of attempts to reach out to him. I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate.

My parents? as much as they are flawed I know it wasn’t their wish to be that way. They didn’t have a good start. I truly have let it go. Whatever anger I felt towards Christopher was, because of us and no one else. I have admitted to him that the biggest mistake I ever made in our relationship was to place him on a pedestal. That was my doing and I was very honest with him too. One thing he knows for sure despite everything that happened is that I never lie to him.

it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything.

Anyway………

Elizabeth.

Anita,

reads to me that you did NOT lose your friend- you lost the friend he never was; you lost the man on a pedestal. You lost your hopes and dreams and love for.. a man who did not exist. Imagine this silly image: you meet a turtle which is a cold-blooded reptile, and you make-believe and assume that it is a cute, warm puppy. You hug the “puppy”, feeling warm and happy. Fast forward, over time, you are noticing that the “puppy” is not behaving like a friendly, affectionate puppy, and you don’t feel warm when you hug the puppy, so you get hurt and angry at the “puppy”, while not quite seeing that it is not a puppy but a turtle. So, you keep feeling devastatingly surprised, hurt and angry by the behaviour of the turtle simply because you keep thinking of it as a puppy. 

The problem is he pretended to be a puppy at a time when I needed a puppy the most.  the problem with pretence is it doesn’t last. the stupidest thing I did was believe that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I was painful to open with him. I poured my heart into this person and by doing so I literally gave him the keys to hurt me. he played along because he thought he would benefit from me in a way. the minute he realised I would need his help he got mean.

I am not a spiteful person and I didn’t imagine his mean behaviour. Yes I fantasized about bad things happening to him. but that’s because I wanted him to feel the pain and despair I felt.

“I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate… it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything”-

In one of our many conversations after the break-up, I told him openly about how ashamed I was when I realised I was the only one in the friendship. That I was the only one that thought we were friends. the embarrassment and anger I felt was overwhelming.

Him saying sorry to me, not for me. it’s about him feeling better about himself.

I think that you are still attached to the image of Christopher up on that pedestal and you keep getting angry that the real Christopher is not the one on that pedestal. See him for whom he is, and you will no longer keep getting surprised that he.. is who he is.

Not anymore. That’s why I no longer feel this gut-wrenching anger when I see him. I feel both sorry and sad. at our age, burning bridges… really sad. The truth is am a great friend. I am not saying this because I am talking about myself. I am the type of friend that loves my friends deeply.

I am working towards indifference.

I will get there.

Elizabeth.

Anita,

this is you thinking he is a puppy at that time, after the breakup: still sharing your feelings with him, imagining that he cares or would care. If you saw him truly as he is after the breakup, you wouldn’t have shared with him how you truly felt.

This was me grasping at straws. I was so broken I literally grabbed onto anything. Despite it all, letting it out made it less painful and it got me to see that he really doesn’t care. I started understanding that I was really wasting my time and so I started letting go of the hope that he will ever care.

I am no longer sharing my feelings with him. I have been sharing them online. he doesn’t care enough to understand or care enough to try and make amends. it’s almost a year and I survived.

I have shifted my focus. Once in a while, I will remember him but just like my first ex, I will become indifferent and forget he ever existed. I will patiently wait for the day when he doesn’t affect me in any way.

Last night I made myself a goal. I will no longer speak of him on this forum or to anyone again.

I have said enough. I have vented enough. I will be fine, I have already gone past the hard part.

Regards

Elizabeth.